Last year: 5-10-1, last place in NFC North
Acquisitions: Teddy Bridgewater, Captain Munnerlyn,
Joseph Linval Linval Joseph, Kurt Coleman
Departures: Jared Allen, Toby Gerhart, Kevin Williams, Josh Freeman, Erin Henderson
Wait, where the hell are they playing their games this year?: TCF Bank Stadium at the University of Minnesota
Is the media gonna bitch endless about the cold?: To borrow a local phrase, you betcha.
Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 6 wins
Five reasons why Matt Cassel was named the Week 1 starting quarterback:
– Bridgewater has tiny hands!
– Don’t want to expose Bridgewater to the deafening roar of Rams fans at the Edward Jones Dome in Week 1.
– Teddy failed to deliver a prize buck for Mike Zimmer’s office wall.
– More punts means more mentions about how the Vikings apologized for their special teams coordinator wanting to send all the gays to Nuke Island.
– Cassel won the job by being the first to spell Cordarrelle Patterson’s name correctly.
Fan forecast by yeah, right:
Hope is a helluva thing. I’m not even certain that hope is a good thing. When your expectations rise and you buy into hope you are just setting yourself up for another bout of crushing disappointment. Now, crushing disappointment is something I’m all too familiar with.
The over/under win total for the Vikings is 6 and in a shocking development I’m picking them to go over. I can see an 8-8 or possibly a 9-7 record by the end of this season. Oh fuck, man here go those expectations. We’ve had solid drafts the last three years and you can see those picks finally starting to pan out. After a complete revamping of our defensive line and for the first time in who-the-fuck-knows how long we will be running a different defensive scheme than the God-awful Cover 2 we can hopefully improve from the 31st ranked defense. When your defense gives up a metric shit-ton of points and your offense can’t score? Well, that’s just a recipe for general suckitude.
Some of the hope is based on expectations from our late first round pick of a quarterback of the future. Teddy Bridgewater. I’m going to be honest here, during the draft I was thinking about a Manziel, Adrian Peterson, Cordarrelle Patterson offense and giving myself a few goosebumps. But after watching Johnny Rookie Bitch and all of the horseshit media coverage and his general fucktardery? Hoo-boy am I happy we drafted Teddy. All signs look promising. He’s shown promise during training camp and the pre-season, by all accounts he’s a great student of the game, first guy in last guy out type kid and he seems like a bright guy. For the record I did not have this same feeling when we drafted Ponder. I believe I swore repeatedly, for several hours actually, when we drafted him. I was never a fan.
See there. Hope. We haven’t had a QB of the future since Daunte Culpepper and that new QB excitement lasted about a season and a half. Factor in a new coach who doesn’t act like he’s been stuffed at the taxidermist or a coach who looks like a pedophile, a bright shiny new linebacker toy, Anthony Barr, an offensive line that will be intact for the third consecutive year and a new stadium on the horizon? Yeah, dammit, I’ve got some hope. But there is no way in Hell I’m going to see a home while they play outdoors for the next two years. Ever been to Minneapolis during football season? Motherfucker is cold! I was there a couple of years ago in November and I think the high during my trip was 20 degrees. I’ll wait for the new dome, thank you very much. I do plan on catching a few road games, starting with New Orleans in week 3. I’ll be the only guy in a Vikings jersey. Trust me the last time I was in New Orleans we did not travel well. At all.
While the rest of our division is generally tough, all of their quarterbacks are starting to age while we are building for the future. The rebuild is theoretically going to be complete when we open the new stadium in 2016, which should coincide with the completion of my Chicago Cubs rebuild!
Yep. Hope is a hell of a drug.
SKOL Vikings let’s go!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.