Last year: 4-12, which was good enough not to be last place in the AFC South
Acquisitions: Blake Bortles, Toby Gerhart, Zane Beadles, Ziggy Hood, a giant scoreboard and pool
Departures: Blaine Gabbert, Maurice Jones-Drew, Brad Meester, Jason Babin
Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 4.5 wins
Five things Justin Blackmon will have to do to finally get cut:
— Shave off Shad Khan’s mustache in his sleep.
— Fly a SIGN TEBOW banner over the stadium.
— Piss in the new pool.
— Help another AFC South team buy a bigger video board.
— Get the Ebola.
Fan forecast by BurritoBrosShits:
So begins another season of Jacksonville Jaguars football. The beer is chilled, the fridge is stocked, and my finest pair of swimming trunks have been laundered. BECAUSE WE HAVE MOTHERFUCKING POOLS IN OUR MOTHERFUCKING STADIUM, YA BISH.
Along with the aforementioned pools, Jacksonville now features the largest video boards in the world. All the better to see the plethora cornucopia enormity ragtag collection of talent that GM Dave Caldwell has #blest Gus Bradley with. Drafting Blake Bortles in theory replaces the human skeet thrower that is Chad Henne. Bortles has the enormous job of erasing Blaine Gabbert’s stench away from the QB position. The Jaguars also feature a revamped WR corps featuring a tackling dummy, a scarecrow, and a gently used grocery bag flying near the sideline. Jacksonville will also feature a running back tandem with Toby Gerhart and draftee Storm Johnson. Here are some preliminary ideas for a catchy name for that tandem:
1. BLACK HAMMER WHITE THUNDER
2. EBONY AND IVORY
3. THE QUIET STORM
4. TOBY AND STORM
5. NOT MJD AND NOT MJD
Needless to say, the offense of the Jaguars is probably the weakest part of the team.
Thankfully, Gus Bradley is a defensive genius, largely responsible for the Super Bowl-winning Seahawks defense. This means that the Jaguars defense is uh… shit… uh… nope… WELP they’re still second half of every meaningful defensive team statistics. Thankfully, the defense was trending for the better and managed to beat the Texans twice last season.
The only team statistic in which the Jaguars are number 1 in the NFL from last year concerns punting. The Jaguars have more yards punting than any other team in the league by more than 200 yards. Thankfully, drafting a punter in the third round of the NFL draft has been a boon for the Jaguars. Truly ex-GM Gene Smith is clairvoyant.
There isn’t much to look at when looking at the Jaguars, but there is hope within the division if you exclude the Colts and even they may fuck up if Andrew Luck decides a career as a LARPer may make more sense than getting hit in the face several times every Sunday.
The Texans have fucking Tom Savage as their rockchucker and a disgruntled Andre Johnson catching the ball.
The Titans suck too and I know nothing about them, so fuck them. Clay Travis is a Titans fan. Fuck Clay Travis. He’s a lawyer, did you know that?
I have no doubt that the Jaguars will not win the AFC South. Nor do I think that they will have a winning record this season. But what the fuck do I know? Jack Del Rio coached in a Super Bowl, so dumber shit can happen. I have fucking season tickets to this shit.
I want more like this!
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