Last year: 8-8, second place in NFC East
Acquisitions: Brandon Weeden, Zack Martin, Caleb Hanie, Ryan Williams
Departures: DeMarcus Ware, Miles Austin, Brooke Hogan dumpee Phil Costa, Kyle Orton, Jason Hatcher
Already critical injury: Sean Lee
Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 7.5 wins
Five fictional characters in pop culture (possibly) based on Jerry Jones that, while crazy, still don’t capture how nuts he is.
— Baxter Cain, the owner of the Dallas Felons, in the movie “BASEketball
— Norman Oglesby, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys in the book “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk”
— Tywin Lannister
— The Rich Texan from “The Simpsons”
— Grown up version of Montana Max from “Tiny Toons” who still bangs strippers in his 60s.
Fan forecast by Lana Berry:
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” The Internet commonly attributes this quote to both Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin. Neither of them actually said it, which is something they both have in common with Jerry Jones.
The Cowboys seem to be a perpetual 8-8 team. Stuck in eternal purgatory. They give you just enough of a glimmer of hope each year to keep you going, which is probably the worst part. The NFC East is generally just as bad so the playoffs almost always remain a possibility – even with that miserable record. Which brings us to…
2014 Prediction: 8-8 with a possible playoff run.
That actually might be a bold prediction. Last year the Cowboys’ biggest obstacle was their own defense. And by last year I mean every year. The only bright spots on their defense were Jason Hatcher and DeMarcus Ware. Both of those bright spots are gone. The good news is Jerry Jones actually drafted some linebackers this year, but much remains to be seen. I dream of a world where Tony Romo throws behind a decent offensive line, but instead we live in a world where Peyton Manning runs in a touchdown on the Cowboys defense.
The good news is the Cowboys play the Titans, Rams and Jaguars (!!!) this year. They can’t lose to all those teams, right? RIGHT? The rest of the game are…*mumbles and walks off*
Some of the parts are different, but in true Cowboys fashion the sum of the parts are the same. Romo will still put up good numbers, but be marred by a poor defense. Dez will still be Dez. Half of the team will still be out with a hamstring injury. Jason Garrett will be gradually stripped of more duties until he is just a person creepily smiling on the sidelines. Jerry Jones will launch AT&T Stadium into space and convert it into a weapon of mass destruction. The Cowboys will go 8-8.
Just remember to keep your expectations low, kids.
I want more like this!
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