Last year: 8-8, 2nd in the NFC North, missed the playoffs
Acquisitions: Kyle Fuller, Israel Idonije, Josh Morgan, Jared Allen, JIMMY FUCKIN’ CLAUSEN
Departures: Okay. This gets a paragraph.
The two things that gave the Bears an identity, that made them exciting last year, were the dynamic play of Devin Hester, and the surprise skill shown by Josh McCown when Cutler was out. I had never seen Bears fans more excited and surprised since I moved here, like, 7 years ago. Not that Josh McCown deserved the starting job, but he galvanized the fan base, and he and Devin Hester gave the Bears, a team that for a long time, a LONG time, hasn’t had a fulcrum in a player like, say, an Adrian Peterson or a Megatron, was starting to find an identity. #McCownTown started trending on twitter. It was tongue in cheek, yeah, but Chicago football fans were excited about something. That doesn’t happen often.
Then we let ‘em both go. It’s not going to hurt the team that much, except on kick returns, but it’s a blow to a team that has been struggling to find an identity for a while.
Oh, but we got rid of Michael Bush, so it’s not all bad.
Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 8.5 wins.
Verdict: UNDER, now that Chicago is no longer #mccowntown
Five fun drinking games to play during Bears games:
- If you’re at a bar, find someone in a Devin Hester, Matt Forte, or Brian Urlacher jersey. Take a shot when they fail to correctly tell you what the significance of “GSH” is.
- Drink during every kick return, and cry a little bit into your Old Style.
- Check social media. Every time someone suggests Jay Cutler be benched for Jimmy Clausen, drink, and consider following a team with a slightly less idiotic fanbase.
- Drink every time someone mentions how much they miss Brian Urlacher, even though at the end of his career, he pretty much jumped onto plays that had already been made and didn’t really add much to the defense except for leadership. So pretty much exactly like Ray Lewis, except without the stabbings.
- Have a full bottle of Malort on hand for the Bears’ final game, where one more win will get them into the playoffs. Nurse it throughout the whole game to punish yourself for letting this team break your heart so often. When the Bears end up losing on a kickoff returned for a TD, finish it, and then completely forget about football until the Blackhawks almost win the Stanley Cup again this year.
Fan Forecast, by kommenter Cuntler:
Hello, my name is Cuntler, and I am a Bears fan. I am from Chicago, and I attended my first game at Soldier Field in 1983. I didn’t really get hooked until I stole the show as a devastatingly handsome Gary “Hitman” Fencik in a dramatic reenactment of the “Super Bowl Shuffle,” as presented by my 4th grade class in the school talent show in the fall of 1985. I am also very modest. I realized I had a problem when I traveled to Champaign four times in 2002 to watch Jim Miller, Chris Chandler and Henry Burris to see who could be the most fucking terrible quarterback on a team that would eventually go 4-12. It hasn’t all been horrible, though, as I have fond memories of many games, including the 2006 NFC Championship Game stomping of the Saints. I love the idea of what the Chicago Bears can be, but they continue to disappointment me every year just when I think things are going to be good. I feel like Winona, and the Chicago Bears are my Raylan Givens. Even though I am not a fan from a major Canadian city with only one non-football professional sport that randomly picked his team, I am still pretty lazy and clueless, and I eschew research and statistical analysis in favor of HOT SPROTS TAEKS, as you will see below. I was humbled when Mr. RobotsFightingDinosaurs asked me to participate in the prekakke, and was ecstatic when he told me I could swear at will (fuck, shit, ass), although I will try not to abuse that right.
The end of the Chicago Bears 2013 season fucking sucked ass. As many of you might recall, it basically ended on this play:
Jesus fucking Christ, that was terrible, but it was basically the Bears defensive season in a microcosm. First of all, let’s get it out of the way, and talk about Chris Conte on that play. Note how he as the awareness of an old man with dementia lost at a Wal-Mart. However, that old man with dementia would have been more effective, because he at lease would eventually get in someone’s way. Look at this fucking douche. He looks like Billy Joe Armstrong’s rapey LAX bro cousin. Conte was paired last year with Major Wright to form a double-ended dildo of a safety tandem that was the worst in the league. Major Wright is no longer with the team because he fucking sucks. Isaiah Frey and Zak Bowman were on the field for that play as cornerbacks as well (It’s okay, I don’t know who they are, either), because Peanut Tillman was out with an injury. Peanut is awesome, but he is old as fuck. Remember that play when he stripped Randy Moss in the end zone to seal the win against the Vikings? That happened in 2003. I think RobotsFightingDinosaurs was 10.
But the defense starts up front, right Herm? The Bears defensive line was wiped out by injuries last year. Henry Melton was in the Pro Bowl in 2012, but missed 13 games, and is Dallas’s problem now. His backup, Nick Collins, missed the season with a torn ACL. Stephen Paea, apart from being just a fat, yet somehow undersized, Somaon who isn’t very good, was further slowed by toe problems. Corey Wotton was moved to tackle, and he sucked there, and he is no longer with the team. So they brought in retired Jeremiah Ratliff, who was serviceable, I guess. And Shea McClellin, the first round draft pick in 2012, who is a slow, undersized white defensive end from Boise, didn’t do much (I mean, he wasn’t even gritty)! They are moving him to linebacker this year, so he can be ineffective on the second level. The only guy who had a halfway decent season was Peppers. He almost got through on the last play, but was stopped just enough by a white fullback celebrated by Green Bay fans as KUUUUHHHHNN (no offense). During the off-season, Peppers moved to the Packers, figuring that if you can’t beat ‘em, join them. I don’t blame him, and wish him the best of luck.
Anyway, on that play, Mel Tucker, the Bears new defensive coordinator in 2013, called a risky blitz. Mel Tucker was hired from Jacksonville, which means he is terrible. Unsurprisingly, the slap dick defensive line didn’t get through, and neither did any of the linebackers. Christ, the linebackers last year were terrible, too. D.J. Williams, the supposed stop-gap in the middle, missed 10 games with a torn pectoral. Something called a James Anderson played decently in coverage, but couldn’t tackle Virginia McCaskey. Rookies Jonathan Bostic and Khaseem Green proved that they weren’t ready, and both were about as good in coverage as this Kate Upton bikini. Speaking of fatties, Lance Briggs missed 7 games, and when he came back, he looked slow, overweight and old. After all was said and done, I am happy the Bears missed the playoffs. This was the worst run defense in the history of a franchise that goes back to 1920. The strategy of letting running backs get to the second level where the double-ended dildo would ride them for 20 yards in an attempt to “tackle” was clearly not effective.
HOWEVA, the Bears offensive weapons last year were awesome. They were the second highest scoring offense in the league, and all of the skill players were fun as hell to watch. Matt Forte continues to be the most underrated running back in the league. Alshon Jeffrey did shit like this and this and this. Brandon Marshall got along with himselves, didn’t beat his girlfriend, and continued to be Cutler’s favorite receiver. The Black Unicorn played great, and the offensive line was serviceable. Even Roberto Garza, every dumb Bears fan’s key to 2013, held his own at center, and Kyle Long was a pleasant surprise at guard, where he played like everyone’s favorite annoying spastic little brother. I mean, how can you not love this unit?
Regarding the surly feline in the room, I am fine with Cutler as our perfectly cromulent quarterback. Detractors will point to the fact that he has a subpar sack and interception numbers over his career, has only made the Pro Bowl once, his career best quarterback rating of 89.2 last year is only slightly above average, and he is only 1-8 against the Packers. Supporters, however, will point to the fact that he has had the following offensive coordinators while in Chicago: Ron Turner (a less pocked-marked, more developmentally handicapped version of Norv), Mike “14 step drop” Martz, and Mike Tice. Mark Trestman (pictured here) appears to have Cutler going in the right direction, and this offensive can be lethal if properly managed. Also, Cutler has a fucking rocket arm and is mobile in the pocket, a combination that can be hard to find. When you are used to guys like Grossman, Orton, Miller, Hutchinson, Moreno, Burris, et al., Culter is fucking Montana in comparison.
My two biggest knocks on Cutler are that his passes lack touch and he is injured too much. Cutler is one of those guys that can occasionally complete a pass that others can’t make because he has a rocket arm. Much more often, however, he overuses that arm and throws bullets right to the other team. Exhibit A is this goal-line interception he threw against the Vikings last year. He did almost the exact same thing against the Lions. Regarding his injuries, he has missed at least five games a season with various injuries every year since 2011. While a diabetic cat who smokes and lives in a house with two unvaccinated kids likely suffering from PolioCancerpox and reality star wife who probably has more venereal diseases than a hooker in New York after fleet week probably shouldn’t play in the NFL anyway, Cutler, much like his soup-eating, Mom cave-dwelling defensive counterpart to the north, can’t seem to stay healthy, so a good back up is a necessity. Thankfully, Josh McCown, who was actually rated higher than Culter last year, is still in the fold, so. . . What’s that? You say he went to Tampa? Who is our backup then?
/waiver wire flies open
God damn it.
Regarding the upcoming season, the defense got a bunch of new lineman in Lamarr Houston, Jared Allen, and Willie Young, and brought back Jay Ratliff, which should help. They also drafted a couple of fat guys to clog the middle, in Ego Ferguson and Will Sutton. The linebackers still suck, and the double-ended dildo of Conte/Wright has turned into the septuple-ended dildo of Ryan Mundy, Brock Vereen, Danny McCray, Conte, Craig Steltz, MD Jennings and Adrian Wilson. Word out of camp is that they all suck, too. The cornerback group got younger, with the addition of draft pick Kevin Fuller, seen here being body slammed by the Black Unicorn in camp, and Peanut and Tim Jennings are back as well. So I guess that the defense improved up front but still sucks in the back (which sounds a lot like this girl I knew who got breast implants our senior year in college).
The Bears’ ceiling in 2014 is probably 11-5 and losing to Seattle in the playoffs, like New Orleans last year, and that is if they have another great offensive year, Cutler doesn’t miss a ton of games, resulting in JordanJimmy ClausenPlamer playing and the defensive is at least average. This is unlikely. More realistically, the defense struggles, Cutler goes down again, and the Bears are looking down the barrel of another 8-8 season, and Sisyphus laughs at us all. In conclusion, being a fan of the Bears is pointless and I hate everything. Let’s celebrate by watching all of the recently departed Devin Hester’s punt returns.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.