OLD JAMES


Greetings, Internet. Old James here. You may know me around these parts as “the Chiefs fan,” or “the dipshit who microwaved chicken nuggets.” But one thing you might be surprised to learn about me is that I’m also not an architect. Which makes me perfectly qualified to design a spiffy new stadium for all the cash-flush, taxpayer-duping NFL owners out there.

First things first: I’ve done my research. I see these flashy new facilities going up all across the country, and I can’t help but think to myself “Wow, what a stunning display of human achievement!” and “I could do better.”

That said, I fired up the old design suite this weekend in an attempt to turn my ideas into something more tangible, and I gotta say — I think you’re gonna like it. So get those checkbooks out, and let me walk you through the blueprints of a stadium that will surely change the face of football forever.

  1. No need to adjust your screens. That IS a moat. Not a single NFL stadium currently employs a moat, and people in Dallas Cowboys jerseys are free to enter each of them as they please. Aside from the obvious, the moat can also function as a koi pond, water garden, or somewhere for Rob Ryan to give himself a spit bath.
  2. A prison. Duh.
  3. The facade has been engineered to look identical to a Sports Illustrated football phone. It’s got that classic football shape, and the novelty of the SI phone is so nostalgic that Buzzfeed will probably sue me for copyright infringement. It also happens to put off an allusion to customers that someone is actually listening on the other end.
  4. A retractable roof. You know how CenturyLink Field was specifically engineered to generate that tremendous crowd noise the 12th Man thinks they’re responsible for? Well, wait until you hear the acoustics on this bad boy. The interior walls and ceiling have been fitted with sound throwing panels, and — thanks to the marvels of modern engineering — the roof is designed to automatically pop open once the decibel level reaches 138. Since it’s also a working telephone headset, nothing is stopping you from dialing up the Seahawks head of marketing so 90,000 fans can personally tell him to fuck off.
  5. Hospitals/fire stations. Safety first, y’all.
  6. The parking lot. Pretty standard fare. But if you’ve ever seen what goes on in an NFL parking lot before a game, you’ll understand why it’s on the other side of a body of water.

Sold yet? No? Well, I told you the outside is shaped like a football phone…BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

The exterior walls of the stadium may look like cheap brown plastic, but in reality they’re a series of LCD screens wallpapered together to give off the aesthetic of cheap brown plastic. If you get tired of that look, you can change the channel to anything you want!

Say you’ve got an issue with the tax man. Just flip those screens to incognito mode:

OLD JAMES


Or if you’d like to turn the stadium into a romantic drive-in movie theater, here it is showing the climactic scene from Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey:

OLD JAMES


“But what about the interior?” I thought you’d never ask.

OLD JAMES


  1. The goalposts have been replaced with a giant statue of Ed Hochuli throwing up a touchdown signal. No need to worry about an unsteady hunk of metal giving out when Jimmy Graham goes up hard for a dunk. Nothing is moving ol’ Ed’s pythons.
  2. Interior jumbotrons will exclusively feature live feeds of Darnell Dockett’s Twitter and Instagram accounts. Pretty self explanatory.

Well, that about wraps up the presentation. We’ve come a long way with stadium design, but if you’re willing to take a risk and join me, we can go miles further. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to doing business with you in the future.