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The preseason is officially under way! The Bills played the Giants last night, and one team probably scored more points than the other. Now, let’s take a week-by-week look at all the football you’ll be pretending to enjoy for the next month!

Week 1-2: Hey Look, Football!

For both the Hall Of Fame Game and the first full of week of preseason, you are far too distracted by the mere fact that people in NFL jerseys are playing a game that somewhat resembles football to notice how shitty the product is. This is basically the football equivalent of methadone, except it works in reverse, weaning you back on to the product, rather than off of it. You probably watched all of last night’s Bills-Giants game, and you even talked yourself into five drives of Ryan Nassib actually being interesting. Pull yourself together, man.

Signature Moment: The receiver you took in the first round makes one nice catch, and you’ve convinced yourself he’s the next Megatron.

Week 3: Oh right, I forgot that this kinda sucks…

Basically, week three is the same as week two except its less interesting because the joy of seeing football on TV has worn off considerably, and you’re well-aware of how boring this is. The only exception is if you’re rooting for a team with an actual QB battle. That means you get to watch your teams other mediocre QB start a game, and convince yourself that he wasn’t that bad, and that in a real game, where the coach is willing to show more stuff, and the receivers are actually trying, he’ll totally look better. Ok, come to think of it, I guess this week isn’t fun for anyone.

Signature Moment: Your team’s fifth-string running back plays marginally well for the second week in a row, and now you’re desperately hoping he makes the team, and you think he’s the key to your future. Once in awhile, this is actually true (Fred Jackson)

Week 4: This is almost like actual football!

This is the week where teams will likely trot out their first offense for a lengthy period of time, perhaps even the entire first half. It’s known as the “dress rehearsal,” and it’s the closest you’re going to get to a real football game until the season starts. Of course, once the third quarter starts, the 4th-stringers come in, and the quality of the game immediately goes straight down the toilet. But hey, for 30 minutes there, you were watching a real football game!

Signature Moment: Your mediocre QB went 10-for-21 for 112, one touchdown and two picks, and you slowly realize that this is what you’re going to have to put up with for the entire year. You are not happy.

Week 5: Staring into the abyss.

No one enjoys the final week of the preseason. that’s the why all the games are crammed into one sad Thursday evening, and none  of them are televised. The NFL wants to push this awful week as far away from daylight as possible. because it’s a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week, and it should not exist. Last year during this week, Matt Leinart was seen in a Bills uniform. Need I say more?

Signature moment: Your team’s 4th string QB throws his 10th-straight incompletion, and something clicks in your head. You take a long look at your life, and wonder what the fuck you’ve done to yourself. you could actually be doing something meaningful. Instead, you’re sitting on your worn-out couch, drinking Natty Light, watching players who will all be cut the next day. What the fuck have you done with your life?!