eliside

TV


Last year: 7-9, third place in NFC East

Acquisitions: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Trindon Holliday, Jameel McClain, Odell Beckham (if he ever stops being injured)

Departures: Justin Tuck, Hakeem Nicks, Brandon Myers, David Wilson (RIP neck)

Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 8 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Tom Coughlin’s top five movies of 2014:

– THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL! GOT IT FROM THE RED VENDING MACHINE AT THE SUPERMARKET!

– “HONEY, WHAT WAS THE ONE WITH DIANE KEATON WE SAW AFTER WE WENT TO THE PANERA BREAD LAST MONTH?”

– JERSEY BOYS! CLINT STILL GOT IT!

– BOYHOOD! BEST NAP I’VE HAD IN YEARS!

– THE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI! WHY DON’T THOSE TINSELTOWN CLOWNS GET OFF THEIR DUFF AND REMAKE THIS ONE?

giantsjamook

IG


Fan forecast, by David Rappoccio:

The New York Giants spent the 2013 season wallowing in filth on offense. Eli took most of the blame as QBs are wont to do, but the problem was far deeper as Eli had nothing around him helping him out. Let me outline just how dire our offense was last year:

Our O-line was a dumpster fire that got out of hand and torched the whole block. Snee was old and hurt, Diehl was 3 years past when he should have retired, Beatty turned into a pumpkin, Baas couldn’t snap the ball higher than Eli’s knees, and Pugh was a rookie with a name that sounds like the noise you make when someone hits you in the solar plexus. None of them could run block or pass block. Watch the Panthers or Chiefs games to see what happens when an unstoppable force is blocked by tissue paper.

Our RB situation was a total joke. David Wilson couldn’t pass block at all, or hold onto a ball, and then he died and went to RB heaven in week 4, never to return. We started Peyton goddamn Hillis in two games, and we also played the corpse of Brandon Jacobs. Andre Brown, who was never that good to begin with, was our top RB, and he was hurt till week 8.

The experiment of Brandon Myers at TE was a failure, as Brandon Myers was as good a blocker as I would be. It was like having an extra hole on the line, instead of help. The Hynocerous, our fantastic fullback who might have helped out, missed the season due to knee issues.

Our receivers were also bad. Nicks phoned it in hardcore, and so many passes that Eli threw he would just casually try to one hand, and drop it. He’d never go up and fight for the ball, and seemed to take plays off. There is a reason we let him walk. Randle is a talented player, but he’s kind of dumb and had no ability to comprehend Gilbride’s system and several INTs Eli threw were directly the fault of him not running the correct route. Cruz was our only bright spot, but teams figured that out quickly and just double covered him all year.

So yeah, Eli threw 27 INTs, but when you watched what we put out on offense, it’s a miracle it wasn’t worse. By midseason Manning was shell-shocked and was forcing throws early simply to avoid more pain. It would have been impossible for any QB to play well with what he was surrounded by.

On the other side of the ball, we very quietly had a top 10 defense. It was hard to notice, and since they were on the field so often due to our offense taking a massive steaming dump on the field and would get tired eventually. Rolle had his best year, Beason revitalized our Linebackers, and Tuck quietly played very well. Will Hill was also very good when he wasn’t high.

Our special teams were garbage. But that’s a water = wet situation. The Giants have never had good special teams.

For this year, expectations are basically “Please god let’s hope last year Eli was a product of his surroundings and not the new normal.” All Giants fans sit patiently by the fireside, tin foil hats at the ready, hoping against hope that Eli has a bounce back season under the new system with the revamped line so we can open the window and shout “WE TOLD YOU ASSHOLES IT WASN’T ELI BUT GILBRIDE’S FAULT” to the world. Eli has always been an INT machine, so 12 or 13 is almost a given, but we can win with those numbers, we’ve done it before. Our defense lost a few good players in Tuck and Linval Joseph so our D-line is a question mark, but Moore looks ready for the starter role and JPP should be healthy again. With a hopefully revamped offense (Including a better line and actual RBs in Jennings and possibly Andre Williams) and a defense that mostly stayed the same, including what should be one of the best secondaries in the league, the Giants should be a better team and absolutely have a chance in the bizarre NFC East, where every team is a huge question mark.

Honestly, I expect the same Giants season I always do: Inconsistency. One of the worst/best parts of this team is that no one ever knows what team we’ll get each week, and that’s also why being a Giants fan is fun/terrifying.