Welcome back to White History Month in the NFL. Today were celebrating the forgotten heros of White NFL culture- the owners. We already celbrated one great White owner- Dan Snyder, but heres a defintive ranking of the top 10 White Owners of all time.
10. Art Rooney
As Mike Florio notes in his 2001 classic SciFi/NFL novel “Quaterback of the Future”, Art Rooney was far and away the least racist NFL owner in the year 1960. All he wanted to do was win foot ball games he dindnt care if you were yellow, purple, white, red, pink, cyan, or black even. Except if your black you cant play quarterback. Also theres only aloud to be one black star player per team. And he only did it because Jim Brown was whipping his tail.
9. Art Modell
Might as well call this list “the Art Gallery” folks. Which is ironic because if were talking about Cleveland Water Colors the first thing you think about is “Burnt ember.” He essentially did a wifeswap between Cleveland and Baltimore which is like trading a rabid cat for a dead one. It takes a specal kind of risk taker to move to Baltimore for the regions many economic benefits but in retrospect having a inner harbor nearby to get rid of evidents and bodies was what likely lured Ray Lewis to sign there in the first place.
8. Robert Irsay
Irsay gets a bad wrap for giving the in tire city of Baltimore the “French Goodbye” and leaving unanounced but lets be honest here its alot better then his son filling his cofee with a “Irish Goodmorning.” Any time your city has more televison crime shows based on it then it does Superbowl rings won by guys not named Joe Flacco its probly a good time to move in my opinion.
7. Jim Irsay
The story of his liver as well as his life is what he hasnt done, and Irsay has put together two decades of success by not drafting Ryan Leaf and then not drafting Robert Griffin.
6. Al Davis
Although it would of been fun for the Raiders to enter the 2014 ofseason with a TE depth chart of Aaron Hernendez and Oscar Pistourous its probably for the best that Als not around to see what this league has become where your not allowed to even murder people any more.
5. Residents of Green Bay Wisconsin
Buying stock in a football team that you technicaly dont own falls somewere just north of skipping work to wait in line for a cronut on sound investment stragtegys in white history. That said, willingly donating $250 bucks to your team just so your owners can have more money is literally the opposite of socialism so congrats to the city of Green Bay for collectively owning the Packers but really not really owning them, just paying for them.
4. Jimmy Buffet
You know how people say Clintons the first Black presidet, well people forget that Buffett was literally a minority owner for a year. A ven diagram of Jimmy Buffet fans and NFL fans who are really bad at timing changing back and forth between games so you dont miss the commercials is just a basic circle, so this additon by the Dolphins made great sense to increase viewership.
3. Jerry Richardson
As a former player Jerrys the leagues answer to “some of my best friends are black” for when players start talking about how the owners are being unfair. Usually when North Carolinains want to bilk the state out of taxpayer money they just try to use a EBT card at Bicuitville but Jerrys known for putting the screws to the city of Charlotte in exchange for his right to make his football team more profitble. Jerry Riachardson trying to scare North Carolina with the prospect of moving the team to Los Angeles is the most empty threat in the history of the state since John Edwards took his wedding vows folks.
2. Jimmy Haslam
By now youve heard that a homeless guy told Jimmy Haslam to draft Johnny Football to the Browns. Homeless guys making important choices for your city in Cleveland is also known as “election day”. haslams a new owner but if he is half as good at winning football games as he is writing checks to stop a fedral investigation then Browns fans should be infor a real treat.
Haslam is completey changing the culture in Cleveland. As his first act he is putting a live bullmastiff on the sideslines in each game which is a great idea to finaly have someone in a NFL lockeroom with white slim dripping from the corners of there mouths whose not named Alanis Morrisette.
1. Jerry Jones
People have been complaining that the Cowboys get way to much coverage from ESPN for years now, but if theres one guy in America who knows how to deal with unreasonable intrest rates its Jerry. The stadium has a retractable roof so that sometimes God can watch the team play and other times he can use his omnipotince to communicate directly through Deion Sanders to college recruits. I have some fun with it and call ATT&T stadium “Jonestown” because it filled with empty promises and makes me want to kill myself. Really shocked that he turn down multiple endorsement overtures from Kool Aid and sodium cyanide.
But Jerry Jones gets number one on this list on account’ve hes a job creator through and through giving work to otherwise unemployable people like Wade Philips, Bobby Carpenter and his own son in law.
I want more like this!
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