Welcome back to White History Month folks. This is a annual traditon for me in which I take the time out to honor the real minoritys it feels like, White men. One great traditon in White culture is owning NFL football teams. While not always the most lucrative business even when they are profiting, its very important to our heritage and customs to be in charge of large corprations.
Thats why today in White History were celebrating the shortest titan of capitalism: Dan Snyder.
Before we get started I know their are going to be some naysayers accusing me of double reverse racism sense Dan Snyder is technically literaly Jewish and there for not White. However I say that White people give Snyder a “planned-community pass” and let him technicaly into the White person club for this month since he is leading the fore front of the oldest White traditon of all time and thats changing a outdated term that use to be racist but isnt racist any more because he doesnt mean the term in a racist way now that hes making money off of it.
Its also inportant to note that Dan Snyder is one of the most productive job creators of all time, specially if your a NFL head coach or starting NFL quaterback.
Snyder is also known for hiring and promoting his friends because there fun to play racquetball with, which is literaly the Whitest thing of all time accroding to the most recent White Power Rankings. (openley peeing on a golf course is number2, followed by begining any sentence with “actually”).
So how did Dan Snyder make his fortune any ways?
Thats a good question, me. He started a jet-leasing company that flew rich college kids (of ALL races) to springbreak, and then failed at like 3 busnesses that were financed by his rich dad putting second mortgages on there European home just like business owners of ALL races. FInally he found a winner of a busness marketing for Pharmacutical companys inside doctors offices,, which is basicaly like Jagermeister putting up billboards inside a AA pamphlet. Then Snyder decided he would become the worlds biggest telemarkleter because direct advertiseing to violently ill people wasnt interrupting enough peoples dinners, but his company decided they’d would tap the spanish-speaking market because new immegrants from countrys w/out relible telephone service hadnt figured out what a crock of shit telmarketers were yet.
His company charged people lots of money to change longdistance carriers and set such unrealstic sales goals that his employees forged names on contracts, then Snyder bascaly dared his new “customers” to sue him to get there old carrier back. Pretty basic type of busness.
This gave Snyder enough money to convince other rich people to lend him enough money to buy the Washington Redskins. He owns over 60% of the team in what is unquestonably the worst Washington 3/5ths compromise to ever be made in recorded histroy.
Snyders also considering buying a English Premere League team because failing in just one type of foot ball has gotten old for him.
The one bad thing I would say about Dan Snyder is that he gave in to the PC Police and started “The Orignal Americans Foundation.” Funny last time I checked the REAL orignal Americans were like beavers and wood-animals but Snyder very racistly refuses to raise any money for them and instead trys to appease the PC Police. The Orignal Americans foundaton is a bigger flop then Robert Griffins ACL.
To understand Dan you need to take a look at his childhood- and most importantly- his Dad:
A quick look at Dans childhood shows us Snyders dad was a life long journlist and a Redskins fan which are numbers 1 and two of “most depresing things to put in your OKCupid profile.” The way that Dans tried to change every thing his father built and cared about reminds me of another famous Jewish person from White History, thats right- Jesus Christ.
Happy White history month folks- be on the look out for celebrations and activitys all July. I am takeing suggestions for people who youd like to see honored,, please e mail me at PFTCommenter@gmail.com
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.