The folks at Football Outsiders ran a little experiment the other day in which they simulated the 2014 NFL season a million times and found that the Oakland Raiders, who boast both the lowest mean projected DVOA and the most difficult projected schedule, would win the Super Bowl 373 times. Even that figure sounds high but I won’t argue with statistics.

Calling upon that spirit of inquiry, KSK ran its own million simulations and discovered that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell dies within the span of this coming NFL season. How does it happen? Allow us to explain.

Season 84: Dies in a stampede out of the Jaguars stadium pool when a Baby Ruth is spotted floating in the water.

Season 239: Personally tries to stop Jimmy Graham from dunking on the crossbar, but the whole structure is dislodged and falls on Goodell.

Season 45,978: Roger gets breast cancer. Dies because of a lack of awareness.

Season 112,620: Goodell contracts Dutch Elm Disease from that stick up his ass.

Season 374,555: Fat kid who didn’t Play60 crashes through the window of a New York skyscraper, plummets 80 stories and lands on Roger Goodell, killing him instantly.

Season 451,635: In the biggest statistical outlier, Goodell, along with the rest of the NFL brass, is gunned to death by criminally insane Drew Brees and his team of armed Jimmy John’s employees. Brees later dies in a shootout with police.

Season 704,103: Run over by pill-addled Jim Irsay.

Season 997,288: Suffers overdose trying to convince media what Jim Irsay took only gives you a tiny buzz.