He looks down at his index cards, shuffling them nervously, going over the talking points in his mind. He hears his name called – the one his parents gave him, the one he hasn’t used in years. He folds his bifocals neatly and tucks them neatly into his leather suitcase. He takes a deep breath, stands, and approaches the microphone. This is his chance to tell these City Council members how he feels about their potential decision, a civic duty of his to let them know that how they vote will not only impact him, but dozens like him. This is a chance for them to see the error of their ways.
Behind, someone coughs and others murmur. Let them see me how I really am, he thinks. Let them see me in all my glory. There is nothing wrong with living this way. This is who. I. Am.
The City Councilman welcomes him and asks if he is indeed the name that was just called.
He nods, but leans into the microphone and whispers, “But I represent not an individual but a collective”
The councilman nods, and asks him to identify them in microphone for the record.
He takes on more deep breath, leans back in to the mic, and growls, “RRRRRAIDERS FAN, UNITE!!!”
He takes a deep breath as he absorbs the stares from the crowd around him.
“I AM RAIDER NATION. AND I AM HERE TO DECRY THE PILLAGING OF OUR HOME BY YOU, THE BUREAUCRATS, THE RAVAGING OF THE SACRED, HOLY PLACE WHERE THE SONS OF AL DAVIS TAKE THE FIELD. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU WE WILL NOT BE BULLIED BY PLAYERS OF A GAME THAT INVOLVES WHACKING A BALL WITH A STICK. WE WILL NOT BE BULLIED BY A TEAM WHO WAS REPRESENTED BY… BRAD PITT. NO, MY COUNCIL, NO! IF THERE WAS A MOVIE ON THE RAIDERS, AL DAVIS WOULD BE PLAYED BY SATAN HIMSELF, THE ALL-KNOWING, ALL-POWERFUL DARK LORD.
AND YOUR DEMEANING OF OUR HOME, OF THE PLACE WHERE WE HOLD OUR WEEKLY SACRED RITE OF PASSAGE OF LOSING 8 SUNDAYS EVERY FALL, WE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. WE, RAIDER NATION, WILL NOT ALLOW YOU PENCIL DICKS WITH YOUR PAPER AND RED TAPE TO FILL THE BLACK HOLE WITH MEANINGLESS CONSTRUCTION. IF WE MUST TAKE THIS BATTLE TO THE EDGES OF TIME AND SPACE, WE WILL. BUT YOU WILL NOT BURDEN US WITH YOUR PUNY PROBLEMS BECAUSE THERE ARE ONLY A FEW SELECT WARRIORS AND THEY ARE WE!!!
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF EVIDENT. FREEDOM FROM TAMPA TWO AND SHOWERING. PATRICK HENRY FAMOUSLY SAID, “GIVE ME MY STADIUM OR I WILL CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND FUCK THE HOLE IN YOUR NECK.” AND AS THOMAS JEFFERSON SAID, “OUR GREATEST HAPPINESS DOES NOT DEPEND ON THE CONDITION OF LIFE IN WHICHE CHANCE HAS PLACED US, BUT IS ALWASY THE RESULT OF A GOOD CONSCIENCE, GOOD HEALTH, OCCUPATION, AND WHIPPING PEOPLE WHO GET IN OUR WAY WITH CHAINS BECAUSE WHO ARE THEY TO TELL US WHAT TO DO?”
DO NOT TRIFLE WITH RAIDER NATION FOR YOU WILL FAIL. WE WILL UNLEASH THE HOUNDS OF HELL AND YOU WILL BOW TO THE POWER OF OUR UNWASHED MASSES, THE ODOR OF DOZENS OF PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO ABIDE BY THE RULES OF YOUR SOCIETY. THE FIRES OF BEELZEBUB WILL CONSUME YOUR FLESH AND YOU WILL BOW TO THE ALMIGHTY STABLER. WE WILL RULE YOU ONCE AGAIN AND YOUR BLOOD WILL FLOW IN THE STREETS AS WE, THE MIGHT RAIDER NATION, RIDE OUR STEEDS OF BRIMSTONE THROUGH YOUR RUINED STREETS.”
He pauses, looks around the room, waiting for the echoing of his bellow to fade into silence.
He clears his throat, leans into the microphone, and says, “Also, we’ve had some raccoon issues so I’d like to request a visit from animal control, thank you.”
He picks up his index cards, slides them into the pocket of his jacket, brings his bifocals back out, and strides out of the room, his black-and-silver-painted head held high as he goes forth into the night, knowing he has done all he can to bring justice to his world and his people.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.