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Dear Eli:

Thank you for your letter.

I don’t have a roommate. My contract states I get my own penthouse and a private chef on call 24 hours a day. You have roommates? That seems odd since we have the same agent. Ol’ Tom Condon didn’t add that to your deal? Sounds off. Going to have Dad look into it for you.

As for the mini-fridges, you really shouldn’t call the Vikings the “Purple Murples” no matter how much you don’t like them. It doesn’t show respect for the team, the game, the league, and ultimately, yourself.

No, I don’t recall if we had “potty” parties when we were children. I’ll ask Ash what we did with the kids and tell her to call Ab. I’m sure cake will be involved. No. Probably cupcakes.

Now, you know I’m not going to tell Dad or Coop about you being scared about learning a new system, but if they hear you calling coach Ben McAdoo “McAdoodoohead” they’re going to find out for themselves you’re being a baby about this. I know that’s mean to say, but that’s the honest truth of it, Eli. You’re being a baby.

Be a Manning.

Take a minute and remember you are a Manning.

You don’t know the new system yet? Well, you go right to Tom Coughlin — yes, I know he smells like Great-Uncle Hal, you go right up to him and tell him you are his star quarterback and you need the playbook to work towards your needs. Your design. Your instincts.

Be a Manning.

And if that instinct is that you need crayons you tell them that. Crayons won you the Super Bowl. There should be crayons everywhere for you to use. Coach McAdoo will respect you for standing up for yourself.

Like a Manning.

As for camp here, I Manning-ed it to my liking. We put some scaffolding around the the building and said there was construction so we didn’t have to let the fans in this year. Such a relief to play in dead silence. A Manning can really hear himself think.

I’m glad to hear you are getting good use out of the DS I got you for Christmas a few years ago. What are Digidogs?

Your brother,

Peyton Williams Manning

PS A locker that talks? Stop letting the guards tell you ghost stories, Eli. People will think you are weird. I think you are weird.

PPS I forwarded the Motts — yes, pink — from Mom to you, but I hope you know I normally send them to a homeless shelter downtown. How many millions and you can’t give away your Motts? Do you need a better endorsement deal than the watches? Should Dad mention it to Condon too?

PPSS No, I cannot believe that Johnny “Football” or whatever it is he likes to call himself. Excuse my language but thank goodness that Johnny Manziel is going right to H-E-double hockey sticks. Dad was right to say he was going to be a washout after last year’s camp. Starting behind Brian Hoyer. The embarrassment must be unbelievable.