In honor of the new trailer for “50 Shades of Grey” making its debut, we’re going to indulge in a little masochism of our own for this mock draft.
We’re selecting the worst memories that we have, whether it be taking a helmet straight to the nuts in Pop Warner, or the recollection of a certain catch that was made by a certain new member of the Giants’ front office staff in a Super Bowl against a certain heretofore undefeated team. BRING ON THE PAIN!
1. StuScottBooyahs selects- RG3 going down in the Seahawks game
Not only was it a first-round loss after a magical season, but everyone knew it jeopardized RG3’s career when it had barely begun.
2. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects- Super Bowl XXXVI
This is one of my earliest sports memories because it was so traumatic. Let’s back up a bit though. The 2001 football season was one of the first seasons I remember watching as a kid. I was trying to branch out from baseball and basketball and learn how other sports work. I picked a random team, the Packers, and followed them. My brother, a Rams fan, would watch Packers games with me when they were on, and I’d watch Rams games with him. He was 10, and I was 12.
When the postseason rolled around, my brother was ecstatic. I stopped watching Packers games because he was so invested in Marshall Faulk, his favorite player, and the Rams’ journey to the Super Bowl. Soon, I was rooting for them just as hard.
Then the Super Bowl rolled around, and soon, Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, and Marshall Faulk found themselves down 14-3 at halftime. Then, in the fourth quarter, the Rams tied it up. My brother and I were sure that the Rams would win if they could force overtime.
You all know what happens next. Tom Brady became Tom Brady, Vinatieri kicked the first game-winning field goal in Super Bowl History, and my brother and I, in one of the first sporting events I can remember us being truly invested in, were heartbroken.
I’ve always hated Tom Brady a little bit for that. I don’t think it’ll ever go away.
3. Big Sandy selects- September 19, 2005, NY Giants “at” New Orleans Saints in New Jersey, kickoff
Not to get too mopey, but the game was a reminder for me – then a NOLA resident – of how big the scope of Katrina was. The Saints’ first game had been an away game in Carolina and I had become so used to compartmentalizing things as I dealt with the disaster and shuttling from couch to couch across the South while evacuated, it didn’t dawn on me how incredibly fucked the 2005 season was going to be for the Saints and how that was pretty emblematic of NOLA/the Gulf Coast as a whole. Sports are so awesome because they often give us the distraction we need from real life. And while that certainly happened later – and giving me reason to celebrate even harder when the Saints won the Super Bowl – the 2005 season was far from a break; in fact, it served mostly as a reminder of how fucked up life was for me and millions of others scattered about the country after the storm. Even after I was able to get back to my house a month into the season, the team kept finding new ways to lose and it’s no wonder, having to play home games in 3 different stadiums and deal with what was happening at their own homes. Like I said, there was a pay-off with the Super Bowl win, but that doesn’t wash away that dark moment when it all sunk in that this was way bigger than football.
4. Dave Rappoccio selects- Super Bowl XXXV Ravens over Giants in 2000
I grew up in the Baltimore area but I adopted the Giants as a team well before Model screwed over Cleveland and gave Baltimore the Ravens. I liked the Ravens and wanted them to do well, but then they just had to end up against my favorite team in the Super Bowl. I was the only person in school rooting for the Giants, and after they got spanked (which was heartbreaking enough) I couldn’t bring up football at school for years because everyone would just instantly harass me for being a fan of the “Loser” team.
I’ve hated the Ravens ever since
5. Sarah Sprague selects- The Tuck Rule Game.
Had that not happened, the Steelers would have rolled over the Oakland Raiders in the AFC Championship, easily handled the Rams and won Super Bowl XXXVI in 2002. Laugh, but I remember everything about watching that game in bar with my then-boyfriend, his best friend Dave and Dave’s wife. Watching that game I just knew we weren’t going to get our shot of redemption after Super Bowl XXX, which should hurt me more, but my life was such a disaster in the mid-90s that even losing a Super Bowl didn’t sting. (Helps that I’ve blocked that whole year out of my mind.)
6. Trevor Risk selects- 1992 Chiefs, Bills
When I was ten years old, the Chiefs had just beat a team that currently doesn’t exist in a stadium that has since been demolished. This was their last playoff win to date. The next week, Montana plus a crew of “rated 62 on Sega Genesis” players somehow got to march into Buffalo and subsequently see Montana’s disgusting elbow and concussion bring Dave Krieg into the game, but not after Kimble Anders dropped a touchdown in the endzone before halftime and have the deflection get intercepted, which basically sealed the game. I grew up in a house of 49ers fans, and with the Cowboys beating them later that day, we were spared a house divided for two weeks and a Young/Montana Super Bowl that even the casual fan could have enjoyed. Plus, it was a second Cowboys/Bills Super Bowl that we all didn’t even want to watch. The last time my team won a playoff game was before the release of Beverley Hills Cop III. I was ten, and i am now two ten year olds older than that. Last year, watching the Colts comeback, I actually saw it coming; not in an irritating pessimistic way, but in a clairvoyant way and wasn’t even upset when the Chiefs lost. Sports is about losing. When the 49ers lost to the Ravens in the Super Bowl and the Chiefs finished dead last, i told my old man that both of our teams finished in the same place: there is one winner and 31 losers.
7. PFT Commenter selects- When Brett Farve threw 4 TDs on MNF right after his dad past away
It showed me that Farve was slacking and taking games of and it took a kick in the butt like a dad dying to shake the cobwebs of. His dad was actualy probably a shamed of that game on account of it showed the world how little efort Brett had been giving up to that point.
8. Johnny Sugar selects- Super Bowl XXXI
Packers over the Patriots. This was my second year of following football, and at this point, the Pats were still known for sucking. In my first grade gym class, we all made pick for the Super Bowl, and I was the only one who picked the Pats. Actually, a few kids picked them at first, then our gym teacher offered everyone the chance to change their vote, and I was the only one who stuck with the Pats. Naturally, I was mocked mercilessly at school the next day, although my gym teacher admired me for sticking to my guns. Not expecting sympathy here because we all know what came about five years later, but man, I was one sorely bummed-out six-year-old.
9. Old James selects- 1995-96 AFC Divisional Playoffs: Chiefs 7, Colts 10
Fuck this, I’m gonna go watch puppy videos.
10. Eric Sollenberger selects- 2009 Washington Redskins losing to the Detroit Lions
Any illusions that I had that the Redskins weren’t a bottom of the barrel team went out the window when they snapped the Lions’ 19-game losing streak. I think Haynesworth faked 3 injuries in this game. I watched the this game hungover in a San Antonio Hooters at a wooden table carved into a shape of the state of Texas. All around the worst football watching experience of my life.
11. Eric Sollenberger selects- Redskins 6, Cowboys 7
This game sucked so badly on all fronts. Missed field goals,10 minute breaks to sort out clock issues and illegal challenges, Jim Zorn and Wade Phillips having a contest to see who could look the most confused all the time, and to make matters worse I forked over $100 to watch this game at Jerry’s world.
12. Old James selects- 2013 AFC Wild Card: Chiefs 44, Colts 45
OMG LOOGIT THEY’RE TRYING TO PLAY CHECKERS
13. Johnny Sugar selects- The Helmet Catch
Look, again, I know you all hate the Pats, and me for liking them, and that’s fine.. But fuck David Tyree – he’s a homophobic asshole and a below average receiver who made one great play because Aging Rodney Harrison somehow couldn’t poke that ball out. Dude never played in the NFL again after that and actually had the never to call his book More Than Just The Catch. Look – hate the Pats, hate Belichick, hate Brady, hate me, whatever. But please always remember that David Tyree fucking sucks.
14. PFT Commenter selects- When Terell Owen’s puled a sharpie out of his dang sock and wrote his name on a ball in front of are nations children on MNF
This was the begining of the end of your fathers NFL.Back in the day folks like Sam Baugh and ol Ken Stabler use to carry sharpies in there socks to sniff so they could knock the cobwebs off after they got there bells rung. Funny tho because Ownes spends most’ve his time nowdays writing his name on court documents insteadve pig skins.
15. Trevor Risk selects- My second pick: not making my high school football team
I grew up in the middle of nowhere, and i was up against farmer kids. Our center weighed in at 280 pounds, and this was our junior team. There was no way i was going to make it, but i guess i just thought because i liked football so much, I would Rudy the shit out of the coaches. Didn’t even come close. What made it worse was this kid who we’ll call “Sheldon” got cut with me in the first round of cuts, but then was on the final squad after the second cut, which just illustrated how much our coach, Mr. Ball (yeah that was his name) was paying attention to the whole thing. Later that year at a school dance, “Sheldon” got so drunk that he crapped his own pants and threw up all over himself so all his popularity gained from making the football team got passed down to his dorky little brother as punishment, following the ancient rules of high school popularity.
16. Sarah Sprague selects- Not being able to play anything past Madden 95
Now, I’m not going to say I’m the best gamer in the world, but I’ve defeated my fair share of games over the years but there is something about Madden that has never entirely clicked for me and I am a terrible, terrible Madden player. I know the plays to call, I switch out my players in what should be the correct manner, but for the life of me, I cannot hit the buttons fast enough to be a good Madden player. It’s like being an ACTUAL Browns player for the past decade-plus for me.
17. Dave Rappoccio selects- The miracle at the new meadowlands
Djax's return hurt but by then I was numb. I couldn't believe we blew such a huge lead with just 8 minutes remaining. Stupid team got lazy and stopped trying.
18. Big Sandy selects- Any time I have to watch the Browns or Raiders
Which means the Browns vs Raiders game on October 26 in the Sadness Bowl will be a Sadness Apocalypse
19. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects- OSU at Northwestern, 2013
If you follow Big Ten football at all (why would you do that to yourself), you know how last season ended for Northwestern. No bowl berth, a miserable record, and a bunch of broken dreams. Rewind back to about a year ago. College Gameday announced that they would be coming to Northwestern for homecoming vs. the Buckeyes, for the first time since we played Illinois at Wrigley in 2010.
My friend and I plunked down about 100 bucks each on fancy, high quality signs that we had spent hours photoshopping. We woke up at 5, and got to the venue at 6. Our signs were both on TV, and we were happy. All of us were. Win or lose, this felt like the next step for NU’s football program. We drank, grilled, and hung out until kickoff.
Then the game happened. Anyone who knows NU football knows that we are a fucking heartbreak factory. We will score 5 touchdowns in the first half, then let the other team tie it in the 3rd before throwing a pass in the 4th that gets tipped twice, bounces off of 4 helmets, and somehow lands in a defender’s hands allowing them to beat us on a freak pick six. This game was no different. We went ahead early, gave up some scores, and in the 4th, we were battling back. Our quarterback was called down short of the marker EVEN THOUGH HE WAS PAST IT BY LIKE A GOOD FOOT OR SO, and we turned the ball over.
I’ll always remember the last play of that game. Down 3, pinned back in our own territory, we attempted a double pass. Everyone in the stands chanted “WE BELIEVE”. It was like that scene in The Lion King where Simba is trying to wake his dead dad up.
The pass was picked off and returned for a touchdown.
Then on my way out, I ran into Kirk Herbstriet, an OSU alum. He looked at me, in my jersey, directly in the eyes, and said “I’m so sorry”. And he meant it.
20. StuScottBooyahs selects the Swinging Gate
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.