“Welcome to my wedding. My best friends are sluts.”

So, this is a thing, apparently: wedding photos where the bridal party pulls up their dresses to show off their butts. Some people might say “NO NO NO NO” or “This is the least wedding-thing imaginable,” but let’s not rush to judgment here, folks. A wedding doesn’t have to be what YOU think is tasteful or appropriate; it should be a celebration that fits the two people starting their lives together. A rustic, picture-perfect wedding at a Napa winery wouldn’t have been right for Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson; an impromptu bikini ceremony was the right call for them.

There are Green Bay Packers-themed weddings for hefty Wisconsinites, and there are probably weird sci-fi themed weddings for people with neckbeards, though I’m not particularly interested in verifying that with a Google search. And just as sports fanatics and geeks can find love, so too can sluts. So let the bride and her slutty bridesmaids flash their asses. This is who they are. This is the wedding they dreamed of, and it’s the wedding that works for them. 

And honestly? Any wedding where the bridal party is down for this photo is a ton of fun. A drunken train wreck, yes. Classy? No. But fun. As a wedding guest, you could do a lot worse.

On to your emails:

Hello Football Friends,
Fantasy First: I’ve been in charge of our league that’s roughly five years old and is made up most of people from college as a way for us to stay in touch. The last couple years has been nothing but complaining from people about the cost to get in, people not paying dues, rules, etc. and I getting tired of fielding all the complaints, and kind of want to pass on commissioner duties to someone else. But I know if I step down, nobody will step in and do all the things that need to be done so the league can happen. Basically if I step down, the league will probably die, and I don’t want that, because it really is the only way I keep in touch with some people. What’s the best way to handle the complainers/money issues without having to be a dick or having to step down?

Ugh, I can’t stand people who voluntarily join a fantasy league and then whine about the settings. YOU’RE ADULTS, goddammit. Don’t be a whiny baby about your pretend football league.

In your case, Mr. Commissioner, think of yourself as a no-nonsense father, and your league mates as annoying children. That means no add/drops or roster adjustments for anyone who hasn’t paid. Complaints will be addressed with “Sorry, those are the rules.” — nothing more or less. You are Gruff Dad, and you don’t have time for bullshit. You have a newspaper to read while smoking Lucky Strikes at the kitchen table.

Sex/Dating: I’m 26, and really shy and not a big fan of the bar scene. After having no luck meeting women in real life I’ve taken to online dating and had OK results in the early going. I have three girls who I’ve met on there, and am yet to meet in person, but have had great conversations with them and exchanged numbers/facebook info. My question is this, is there some sort of protocol for this? Like, should I only focus on one of the girls, or am I allowed to keep talking to all of them and at least go on a first date with each of them before starting to narrow it down? And should I let them know that there are other girls I am talking with? I don’t want to be a creep who’s trying to date multiple women at the same time, but I also don’t want to shut anything off if nothing has happened with the others yet. Thanks for any help you can provide.
-Oblivious Onliner

It’s generally understood among people who use online dating that everyone is seeing other people, so no: you don’t have to narrow down your choices or disclose that you have other dates scheduled. The line for creepy/shady behavior is sex: you can meet and woo all the women you like, but carrying on sexually with more than one is poor form. 

Actually, let me write that in all caps: DO NOT JUGGLE SEX PARTNERS. If you’re in the early stages of dating someone — beyond the first couple of dates and into sex — then they deserve your full attention. Dating someone new should be exciting and enchanting; you shouldn’t be thinking about the other person (or people) you can have sex with tomorrow or later this week. (Or, worse, you shouldn’t be worrying about your date finding out that you’re sleeping with someone else.) Give that one person a fair shake to win your heart.

(Note: this doesn’t apply to people who have a nice, casual booty call on retainer. You both have needs, man.)

**********

Matt,
I have recently decided, at age 26, to go back to school to pursue a second Bachelors degree in a field that isn’t completely useless. What’s the best way to handle the social aspects of university this time around? I’m a bit older, but by no means am I ancient. How do I reach these kiiiids?
Thanks,
Chris

It really depends on what you want out of the experience. If all you want is to get your new degree and GTFO, then you can have an apartment off-campus and focus on schoolwork. I know plenty of engineering students who had no social life whatsoever in college, and I assume they make a lot more money than I do. But they also never did the Century Club, vomited, and passed out for 13 hours, so their lives are probably pretty empty.

Look, college students tend to be loud, boring shitheads who have learned just enough to think they know everything. If you want to be the cool older student on campus, fitting in may not be easy — not because it will be hard to be accepted, but because the bullshit of younger people will likely get annoying. That’s what beer is for. Buy it, and share it only with cute girls and people who listen to the wisdom you gained living out in the real world.

P.S. If you want to hang out with students your age, seek out veterans on the G.I. Bill. They tend to be loyal people with good stories.

**********

Dear KSK,
My girlfriend has been living in England since September doing a one year masters. We started dating in early August, so our entire relationship has been long-distance, basically.

At the end of July, she’ll be moving back to the US to look for a job and be with me. She’ll be staying with me while she hunts and looks to find a place (she’s not a US citizen, so she needs to find a job before she can rent a place.) Any advice on making sure this works? We’re starting to talk about long term plans/marriage (because gay people can do that now!)
Signed,
I Don’t Have A Clever Sign-Off

Moving in together after only one month of dating in the same city is certainly faster than I advocate, though I’ve heard the jokey stereotype that moving in after a month is the average pace for a lesbian couple. But that’s not a fair interpretation of your email. Your girlfriend’s circumstances certainly warrant a shared space, and it’s wise for her to find her own place once she gets a job. Even if she only sleeps there once or twice a week, that personal space is worth every penny in rent you’re not saving.

So, for a smooth and temporary cohabitation, you want your girlfriend to feel welcome and comfortable — but not so comfortable that she’s like, “Let’s just live together!” You want to give her enough room to unpack her suitcase, but not ALL of her belongings. (I’d suggest two drawers and a share of the closet, but I won’t pretend to know if she’s a clotheshorse or has a bee colony or whatever.)

Other than that, just enjoy being not-6000 miles apart while being cognizant that she should be forging her own identity in your city. Some of that will happen naturally as she navigates the city on her own looking for a job, but you should also encourage her to catch up with any other friends she has in the city. As awesome as you are, she’s going to need interpersonal contact with someone BESIDES you on a semi-regular basis, or she’ll go insane.

**********

Oh Captain my Captain,
Fantasy first: I belong to a “dynasty” league, which is just a fancy way of saying we keep the majority of our roster over multiple years, much like a real NFL franchise. 

Hi, I have been writing this sex and fantasy football mailbag for several years. I am familiar with dynasty leagues.

This means each year the draft is a race to pick up rookies that will make an impact, since all the decent players are already kept on a roster. 

DO go on!

Of course, this results in taking flyers on guys with the hopes they can deliver immediately, and therefore you can keep them for years and years. This is all a long way of saying that my RB situation is less than ideal – I haven’t had a decent RB since Michael Turner a few years ago, and I have had no luck picking a rookie in the draft (Lacey was taken a pick before me last year). What are your thoughts on this year’s crop of rookie RBs? Anyone worth taking for this league, or should I keep trying to field a team with castoffs and second stringers at the RB position?

I’m hardly original in suggesting him, but the Titans’ Bishop Sankey looks like the best candidate for the Offensive Rookie of the Year right now. The Titans’ have invested heavily in their line, and the passing game is still a work in progress. He’s a talented, pro-ready back who will get plenty of carries.

If he’s not available, Terrance West would be my next choice — he’ll have the opportunity to win the Browns’ starting job ahead of the scrubs they rotated through last year. Jeremy Hill seems like an obvious choice to become the Bengals’ goal-line back, though it would take a Gio Bernard injury to get him a full workload. Ditto for Tre Mason, who’s talented but unlikely to see fantasy-worthy action behind Zac Stacy. Also, on the off chance no one hoarded him away last year, pick up Seattle’s Christine Michael. The buzz is that he’ll surpass Robert Turbin on the depth chart, and the Seahawks will give Marshawn Lynch a lighter workload this year.

Sex: I am not the type of guy who has had a lot of long-term relationships, and even my short-term ones are few and far between. This has resulted in long dry spells in the sex department. A few months ago, in the midst of yet another dry spell, I let my libido take over and arranged to see a “professional.” This wasn’t some hooker off the street, but it also wasn’t a really high-end escort either. I found some listings online, did all the research I could to make sure she was legit and not a crook or a cop, and went for it. 

Pathetic as it sounds, the experience exceeded my expectations. 

I mean, she IS a professional. Give her some credit.

Good for me, right? Well, now I find myself doing it on the regular. The cost keeps me relatively in check, but I am basically using the professionals as a way to cross things off my sexual bucket list. It has allowed me to sample all the various races, ages, and sexual experiences that I haven’t been able to without paying. I always play safe, use a fake name and burner phone, and don’t bring any more cash with me than I would be willing to spend (or lose, in the case of a robbery, which thankfully hasn’t happened yet). Fast forward to a few weeks ago – I meet this great girl, we get along great, blah blah blah, and wouldn’t you know, I found myself a girlfriend. Our sex life so far has been ok, but I find myself getting bored – the frequency is great, but I don’t get the variety I was before. 

Yeah, no shit. That’s how dating one person works. You don’t get variety. You also don’t have to pay cash, use a burner, worry about getting robbed, or worry about whether she’s a cop.

I really like this girl, and our time together is great, but I think I ruined the sex part with my escort habit. I don’t want to cheat on this person, but I can’t keep the escort thoughts out of my head. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I do? It’s not like I can talk to her about it – that’s a sure ticket to dumpsville, right? I am hoping you can knock some sense into me.

Thanks,
With a face like that, he’s gotta be paying for it

Whether you realize it or not, you’re facing a fundamental decision about the kind of person you want to be. I mean, we ALL do, every day, to a certain extent. We’re guided by law and social mores, which is why I haven’t taken a baseball bat and attacked the panhandling lady who sings off-key in the subway stop at Bryant Park. Like, I definitely don’t want to go to prison, but I also don’t want to be perceived as a violent psycho by my friends. It keeps me in check.

If you want to be the person who ends a relationship — or, worse, cheats on someone — to pay prostitutes for the sexual pu pu platter, that’s your right. At a carnal level, my angry little lizard brain can respect that decision. However, I’d posit that soliciting hookers is kind of like driving drunk as it pertains to the law: you’re absolutely terrified the first time you do it — but then you get away with it and think, “Well that was no big deal.” So you do it again, and again, and it becomes a habit to the point that you don’t consider it to be breaking the law. But if you do it over a long enough arc, something WILL go wrong. Maybe you get robbed and beaten. Maybe you get drugged and dumped somewhere. Or maybe you just get busted by vice cops. Then you lose your job because of it, and suddenly the guy who had trouble finding ANYONE to date him is The Guy Who Uses Hookers. “Ew, gross!” says every person who hears about your story before ever meeting you. “He probably has every STD!” says every girl who Googles you and sees your mug shot and police report.

So go ahead, bro. Keep rolling that dice for your stupid fucking “sexual bucket list,” as if that’s an accomplishment more valuable than loving and trusting another human. Hey, did things ever work out with that really nice girl? “No, but I did anal with hookers of three different races!” Your call.