Certificate Of Merit July 8

KSK, SLS 

Maybe I’m just giddy after watching Germany smack around Brazil, maybe I’m excited to be heading into a five-day weekend this weekend, or maybe I’m just crazy from the heat, but this was a stellar week of kommenting from the Kommantariat. Over a holiday weekend, no less! Everyone’s mood must be lifting now that we’re on the final downslope of the offseason. Whatever it is you’re doing at home or at work, keep doing it. The funny suits you. 

I am your host Sarah Sprague and these are your Comments of the Week for July 8, 2014; the flop sweat of summer. 

J.J. Watt Continues To Be NFL John Cena

Beerguyrob

Makes sense, given how he buried Matt Schaub.

KILL KILL KILL: A Win For Buffalo

SonOfSpam

See those other lions who are just sitting around, doing nothing while the victim gets impaled over and over? Those are nittany lions.

KLEARINGHOUSE: The Wizskins

Make It Snow

That fucking fraud. Completely infuriating. That uniform is for people who’ve earned it, AND FOUR FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS ALL YEAR IS NOT EARNING IT, DEANGELO, YOU USELESS PRICK.

Liberal Blogger Tasked To Save Redskins Name Lasts Two Weeks

Powdered Toastman

Not a surprise that a team that paid DeAngelo Hall $17 million can’t find the right people for its defense.

Make It Snow

This must have been the worst fortnight since that one at William Henry.

White History Month: Frank Caliendo

Old School Zero

That Jim Rome was a big Jay Mohr guy tells you everything you need to know about both of them.

Manziel Rolling Bills in a Vegas Bathroom! Let The Speculation Wheel Spin!

fleshwound_NPG

He is NEVER going to reach the party level of the Patron Saint, but dammit at least someone in the PC Gingerhammer Realm that is the 21st Century NFL is trying.

Should he ever somehow win a Super Bowl (probably after being traded, because Browns) he will order a dump truck of blow on the 50-yard line and roll a log-sized blunt, THEN:

1. Joe Buck/Jim Nantz/whomeverthefuck will commit seppuku
2. Bristol, Conn. falls into sinkhole
3. Year’s salary Gingerhammering, paid by his parents, via Brinks truck decked out in A&M and SEC vinyl graphics
4. JohnnyEightBall.uproxx.com

God Shammgod

List of possible uses for tightly rolled dollar bill:

1. Tucking into Strippers G-String
2. Railing Cocaine
3. Railing Adderall
4. Railing MDMA
5. Railing Heroin
6. Railing Meth
7. Railing Oxy
8. Magic Tricks

See guys, he isn’t necessarily up to no good.

(Reply) Otto Man

Magic tricks? Shit, it’s worse than I thought.

Josh Gordon Arrested for DWI in North Carolina

BIG FAN THE BEN

Nice to see House Tully getting some solid street rep.

Jimmy Graham officially ruled a tight end, all grit

Otto Man

Shit, the Supreme Court has held that corporations are people capable of religious beliefs.

I’m surprised the NFL didn’t pronounce that Jimmy Graham was a 1968 Buick Skylark or a warm plate of spaghetti.

(Reply) Old School Zero

With or without meatballs?

(Reply) Otto Man

Without.

Like the Supreme Court, the NFL is run by strict constructionists.

POLL: Which NFL Player Would Yell ‘F–k Her Right In The P-ssy’ on TV?

Warthog

I think Steve Smith already did this when he said “Glaze Up Son.”

Kiko Alonso Reportedly Done For The Season Because Bills

WhyEaglesWhy

I wouldn’t recommend trading a C.J. Spiller jersey for sex. Despite all assurances to the contrary, you’ll have to get sloppy seconds after the guy with the Fred Jackson jersey.