Certificate Of Merit July 22

KSK

Since Ape is on holiday, Sarah is in charge and your roll call names in the Weekend Klearinghouse all earn a gold star (especially WhyEaglesWhy’s “Olav Myfriendsaregay”) from the interim judge, myself, the honourable Phil McCracken.

As Carl Spackler said in our customer service draft this week: “BTW, ‘I’ve had these tits for 20 years and I’m pretty sure I know how they work’ is the KSK Non-Kommenter Komment of the Week. Can I get a second on that?” and now you know the real reason I’m replacing Sarah: she didn’t have the nerve to give herself a Komment of the Week. It would be kind of like that time the Million Dollar Man made his own belt, which of course concluded with that “bodyguard” Virgil smacking him with in the face it. And thus concludes the only thing I remember about pro wrestling, and thus begins this week’s Komments of the Week!

KILL KILL KILL: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BARRY SANDERS

SonOfSpam

Nice to know that even lions are afraid of being seen with crocs on their feet.

KLEARINGHOUSE: SAM’S SPEECH AND JOHNNY NISSANBALL

Enrico Pallazzo

If I ran the ESPYs, the courage award would have went to Greg Schiano for having the courage to be Greg Schiano.

NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBE REFUSES TO ACCEPT THE REDSKINS DONATION FOR A SKATE PARK

Knight Dehumidifier

What better way to honor the once proud and noble Quechan by establishing a concrete mess where high school dropouts sell weed and overzealous kids break their tailbones attempting a kickflip while his friends call him a fag for crying at his painful injury?

Stabby Pants

Why are Native Americans so opposed to token gifts that could be used to justify claims that they agreed to something?

RAIDER NATION FIGHTS BUREAUCRACY

Troll-So-Hard University

TL;GS
(Too Long; Got Stabbed)

DANNY WOODHEAD HAS A CHILDREN’S BOOK</p>

Horatio Cornblower

It’s a color by numbers book. 1=white and all you can draw is a polar bear in a snow storm with his eyes closed and his nose buried in a snowbank.

Moose (The Thread Ender)

This book is excellent for young child’s mind. Jim McMahon gives it three thumbs pointing in various directions.

WHERE IS TONY DUNGY’S ANTI-GAY THREE GAME SUSPENSION, NBC?

Martin

Dunge is so deep in the closet even spiders are afraid of him

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

R. Kelly could have opened an entire nightclub in a closet that deep.

Minimal Ambition

Dungy’s so far in the closet he has a Narnian passpor

Old School Zero

At first, I thought the National Enquirer articles about Bat Boy were funny, kind of a portable take on the old freak show.
Turns out Bat Boy was real.
And grew up to be a total fucking asshole named Tony Dungy.

WHITE HISTORY MONTH- TOP 10 WHITE OWNERS IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL

packman_jon

It’s only appropriate with all the cocaine the 90′s Cowboys did that they’d have the whitest owner.

TITANS QUARTERBACK ZACH METTENBERGER’S PLACE IN ROLL TIDE HISTORY

Duchess

Fact: Putin ends every statement with “rulon priliv”

TONY DUNGY CLARIFIES HIS POSITION ON MICHAEL SAM: “I FORGOT TO SAY ‘NO OFFENSE’ “

Old School Zero

Heathenly distractions is also why Dungy banned shellfish and pork from the team menu, insisted on making sure there were no blended fabrics, and stoned players wives who were menstruating.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS ROB GRONKOWSKI IS HEALTHY ENOUGH TO PLAY THE ENTIRE SEASON?

Horatio Cornblower

Nat Turner has a better chance of sweeping the KOTW on Wednesday than Gronk does of finishing the season on the field.