If theres one thing I hate its Longreads. As a proud modern American and NFL fan I dont have the time or attenton span to read a neighbors lower back tattoo from out my window with my binoculars much less a freaking essay on a firstyear coach. Thats why I was dismayed when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers dropped a 33 thousend word garden hose on us this afternoon about Lovie Smith. For comparison the average MMQB colum is about 13k words and Pete Priscos vocabulary is about 330.
First’ve all lets take a look at your target demograhpic here. Most Bucs fans have never even heard 33 thousand words over there lifetimes not including all the miranda warnings. Yet theyre suppose to sit here during there library visiting hours and hog the entire halfway houses bandwith reading through a essentially back-to-school essay on How Lovie Spent His Summer Vacation. Give. Me. A . Break.
Matter fact there should be a new format that I pioneer called “Girthreads” that are really short but jam-ass-packed with takes opinons and info. THOSE are the reads I want to read. Give me stubby powerful takes over flimsly iliteracy-shaming epic novels any day folks.
Now I know your thinking, “As a NFL writer, its pretty dang easy to write 33 thousand words about Lovie Smith when you know 22thousand of them are going to be ‘classy.'” And youd be correct. But this essay decides to forego ANY new detail’s about just how classy a guy Lovie is and instead it ceneter’s on his first 100 days as Head Coach. He hasnt even won a game yet. After Schianos first 100 days he created the heavan and the earth and several bacteria colonys in the lockeroom and still had 94 days to spare folks.
Heck,, if you think Ive got the time to sit here and read through the whole thing your dead wrong. Well not exactly. Your right. But Im still not going to do it.
The thing is so long I timed how long it takes me to press the “down” button and scroll through the in tire piece. It takes 1 minute and 7 seconds of constant scrolling to reach the end. Heres a hint if it takes me longer to do a full-scroll through your article then it does for me to have sex Im not going to read it. Thats basic interenet math.
To be honest Im concern with the direction the Buccs are headed by putting this thing out. Im not so much a words guy Im a actions guy. If you think Schiano would of allowed some nerd to write 33 thousend words about him without having them kick there own ass first youve got another thing coming.
But just when I think the Bucs had all but forgotten there Schiano heritage, Sarah pointed out this section that proves old coach Gregs still got his fingerptints all over this francise:
“Every player, when he initially comes into the league, should get cut right away. He would appreciate it so much more if he stayed out a year when he comes back.”
Thats the best damn thing Ive ever heard. Every rookie should get his ass cut I dont care if your the number one overall pick or one of like 4 punters the Redskins drafted that year. I got fired on the first day of allmost every job Ive ever worked and it made me I turned out just find.
So if theres one thing you can take a way from this its that Lovie considers himself lucky to be back in the NFL again. Call me a pessimist but Im not exactly seeing alot of lesson’s learned given his first act as head coach is saying “were going to go with Josh McCown.”
Lets be honest here- we as a country havenent had such a great track record with guys from Chicago getting hired just because he looks great compared to the prevous guy who should of never gotten hired by Floridians in the first place folks. When are we going to learn are lesson?
Heres my takeaway (no offense to Sean Glennon) if your going to write 33,000 words about ANYTHING Im going to hate whatever you wrote about. You could write 33k words about cold beer and I would never want to drink again because you made it all not fun any more with all of youre words. Go ahead and take a look for yourself folks but this is a huge branding misfire by Tampa- because when I hear of a document thats to long for anyone to read I dont think 21 Buccaneers chapters, I think 1 Patriot Act folks.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.