Super Bowl LII Sandcrawler

Over the weekend, the Star Tribune published the confidential list of requests and requirements the NFL presented the Minnesota Super Bowl host committee to bring Super Bowl LII to The Gopher State. Many local officials are outraged that they were not told about the some of the outrageous demands that organizers had to agree “Y/N” to in the 154 page document.

Requests included:

  • NFL to have exclusive access to all club seats.
  • Curbside parking at a special NFL House.
  • Local authorities to provide anti-counterfeit  experts to monitor for fake tickets and merchandise.
  • Access to two premiere bowling facilities
  • Free security for team owners.
  • Designated drivers for team owners; three drivers to be assigned to Jim Irsay. 
  • Three Andes mints on all league officials’ pillows each night for entire duration of Minneapolis stay. 
  • Access to at least four premier golf courses the summer and fall before Super Bowl LII. 
  • Preferred tee times at all disc golf courses in Madison. 
  • Exemption on city, county and state taxes.
  • Exemption on all tipping; including and not limited to bellhops, waitstaff, shoe shiners, maitre des, ushers, drivers, baggage handlers, bartenders, barbers, hair stylists, manicurists, masseurs and escorts. 
  • 20 full color pages of free advertising in local papers.  
  • A special section of Craigslist Missed Connections “Super Bowl” two weeks before and after the event. 
  • Portable cellphone towers to boost reception at team hotels and on team busses.

FrankenHead

  • NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy to given own satellite mobile tower atop Senator Al Franken’s head. Sen. Franken is required to stay within twenty feet of McCarthy for three weeks before and two weeks after Super Bowl LII. 
  • 20 hours of free radio and television advertising in local Minnesota markets.
  • The Sunday Night Football Theme to be played on all stations precisely  at midnight and then every three hours throughout the day. Classic rock stations allowed to use Faith Hill version over Carrie Underwood remix.
  • No security around the main stadium breaker. 
  • NFL Shield and Super Bowl LII logo to be tattooed on every resident within a one mile “clean zone” around the stadium. 
  • A group of vetted 25 tailgaters/actors of mixed ethnic backgrounds for Lord Rog to visit with before the game who can embrace him as a “regular fan” for photo shoot.  
  • Hotels required to carry the NFL for at least one year before Super Bowl LII and five years after the event. If a hotel cancels its subscription before the end of five years, the hotel is required to pay the total balance of the contract. 
  • Mayor Betsy Hodges to serve as arbitrator for all mayoral bets during the playoffs, even if it includes eating something stinky.
  • The Minnesota Vikings are required to make a meaningful playoff run during the 2017 season to feed the narrative of a possible “home Super Bowl team” in 2018, even if it means injecting Adrian Peterson with [REDACTED] for the next three years.