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Chicago Reader


Part of being a responsible adult/parent/NFL team owner is knowing when to spend and when to save money, especially when it comes to getting inebriated. You can’t drink Cristal every night, nor should you due to the obvious health problems that would come along with hanging out with Gucci Mane all the time. So for this week’s mock draft we’re selecting ways to get drunk for less than $10. We’re going two rounds, snake style again. See you in the komment section.

1. Sarah Sprague selects- One Avery’s Mephistopheles’ Stout

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fermentedly challenged


It’s deceptively drinkable and smooth, but at 16.8% APV, it knocks me on the floor. And then into the bathroom. And then sleeping next to the toilet.

Ed: Wow that’s a dark beer. I guess Sarah likes her beer like she likes her men… filled with alcohol.

2. Big Sandy selects- Moonshine

Seriously. If you live east of the Mississippi, easy to find and a guy who’s not an asshole will sell you a quart for under $10. I prefer Apple Pie but to each their own. Don’t know how to find it? Use Google.

3. PFT Commenter selects- To bottles of Mad Dog 20/20

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slaking fool


First is habernero lime a rita. I LOVE how mad Dog skipped right past jalepeno and straight up went for habernero the king of the pepper.

For my 2nd one it realy dosent matter at this point I could be drinking the measle mumps rubela vacinne and I woudnt no or care the difference.

Plus if u buy 2 mad dogs u have enough money left over for the bus.

4. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects- homemade infused spirits

Though bottles of liquor cost more to buy than beers, in terms of how much money it takes to get you drunk, there are few options more cost-effective than buying a bottle of cheap liquor. And if you can wait like 5 days, you can make your liquor better by sealing some of it in a mason jar with chunks of fruits or spices or something. Some of my favorites include vodka with mango and habaneros (without the seeds, I’m not as intense as PFTC), gin with lemon and cucumber, and whiskey with candied bacon. Cost me like 40 bucks total to make all of that, including buying mason jars because I didn’t feel like washing the ones I had out. And they have gotten me drunk WAY more than 4 times.

PROTIP FROM SARAH SPRAGUE REGARDING URBAN LEGEND THAT RUNNING CHEAP VODKA THROUGH A BRITA MAKES IT TASTE LIKE GREY GOOSE:
That urban legend does work. You can take shitty vodka and strain it a few times to make it better. Have a Russian pal with his own still who does it.

5. Johnny Sugar selects- 50 ml bottles of whiskey

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Whiskey Wise


One of my favorite things to do – get 6-7 of these for a buck each, down them all as shots in about an hour or so, and catch a nice buzz. 90% chance I do this during the Cup tonight.

6. Old James selects- Two Mickey’s 40s

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kicksonfire


Should leave about $5 or so for you to buy a roll of duct tape. If you’ve never tried to take a piss with a giant bottle of hooch strapped to each hand, you’re probably the owner of a GPA way higher than mine.

7. StuScottBooyahs selects- a 1.5 l bottle of Liberty Creek Wine

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The Beverage Store


Swirl it in your mouth to taste those not-so-subtle notes of vinegar.

8. Christmas Ape selects- a bottle of Popov vodka

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jestdms


Choked down way too much in my younger days despite the fact that I really don’t like vodka.

9. Dave Rappoccio selects- Giving a ride to a rich person

When I want to get drunk for less than 10 bucks I just give Irsay a ride to the liquor store and he covers everything

10. Eric Sollenberger selects- A bottle of Andre, a 211 Steel Reserve and a pint of orange juice.

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1 giant mimosa and a brass monkey.

11. Eric Sollenberger selects- 12 pack of bud light

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EMG concepts


It ain’t pretty, it ain’t tasty, but it gets the job done.

12. Dave Rappoccio selects- Being skinny

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I just make sure to pound back a heavy craft brew or several piss beers while on an empty stomach and I’m out. Being thin and scrawny makes getting drunk nice and cheap.

13. Christmas Ape selects- Yellow tail or having a friend who’s a bartenter

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I’ll actually cop to liking their shiraz/grenache blend

SARAH SPRAGUE DELIVERS MORE IMPORTANT ALCOHOL NEWS: In college, Colt .45 came out came out with menthol beer. We thought it would be fun to buy a case for one of our team parties. That was a mistake. It was like drinking malt mouthwash.

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14. StuScottBooyahs selects- Aristocrat vodka

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Which at 375ml is an astounding $4. Your body will not thank you for your thriftiness.

15. Old James selects- Cactus Jack tequila

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Cactus Jack


A culpable party the second time I shaved my head. I honestly don’t remember how much this stuff cost, but I believe the dollar value of a fifth was about the same as the % agave content (roughly “4”).

16. Johnny Sugar selects- 7 24.oz bottles of Genny Cream Ale for $1.19 each at Wegmans.

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artsberger


Not sure I could down more than three of these before the taste alone makes me puke, but I’d love to try.

17. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects- Adding liquor to a thing and then eating that thing.

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little blue dog


I was gonna pick just the vodkamelon, which is a classic, but recently, because I am bad at being a contributing member of society, I have been making large bowls of berry jello where I use everclear instead of the cold water, and one time when I was drunk I decided, hey, you know what’s a great idea? Making pasta with a vodka sauce made with like a half bottle of Tito’s.

The best thing about this is that you can use the shittiest, plastic bottle-est liquor you please, and since you’re soaking watermelons in it, or making jello, or pretty much adding it to something that doesn’t taste like snake venom, you won’t even notice.

Related: FUCK vodka gummy bears/worms. They’re chalky and terrible.

18. PFT Commenter selects- Four Loko.

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jessreyn


Stocked upon the original formula when Before Obama outlawed it. Best investment of my life

19. Big Sandy selects- Hobo’s blood

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Hobos are usually drunk. If you kill one and drink his blood, well, then you’ll get drunk off of all the alcohol in their system. Duh.

20. Sarah Sprague selects- $5 drink-ups of Hamm’s

4 R

In college, our off-Fordham Road dive bars would do $5 drink-ups of all you could drink Hamm’s for a few hours each night. When I left for college, my dad said to me, “Never drink beer out of a straw.” Those nights, I drank beer out of a straw.

COMPENSATORY PICKS FOR TREVOR MISSING THE DRAFT TO GET MARRIED OR WHATEVER LAME EXCUSE HE HAD:

I live in Canada, so we have to buy all our liquor and beer from the government with a 125% mark up, so there’s no getting drunk for under 10$, in the traditional sense.

Pick one: hairspray.
Buy one can of hairspray. Spray once in standard glass full of tap water. Serves about 400 people. Apparently it’s like the worst vodka you’ve ever tasted.

Pick two:
Hand sanitizer inside anus. Only one tiny drip or else you’ll die or at least be too ankled to enjoy yourself. Feels like being drunk, or so I’m told.