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News broke a little bit ago that Chicago has emerged as one of the main frontrunners for hosting the NFL Draft in 2015. As Kissing Suzy Kolber’s resident Chicagoan, I took it upon myself to “borrow” the KSK Krystal Ball for a bit and see what an NFL Draft in my fair city would look like. It wasn’t pretty, guys. Here are some of the main takeaways.

  • Due to construction along the Red Line of the El, Chicago’s public transit system, shuttle buses are dispatched to take people to and from the draft. This leads to massive traffic problems, and provides a convenient excuse for people that normally work weekends to just not show up for work during the draft.
  • Nobody that actually lives in Chicago will attend the 2015 NFL Draft, since we’d all pretty much rather watch it from home. However, the venue will still be packed with dads from Deerfield and Evanston that call their basement their “man cave”
  • An analyst will say “DAAAA BEARS”. The body of that analyst will be found in the Chicago River later that evening.
  • There will be a dick-measuring contest in the form of a series of thinkpieces from both The New York Times and The Chicago Tribune that argue that Chicago is a terrible city to host the draft, and the best city to host the draft, respectively
  • Remember that time Jon Stewart shat on Chicago-style deep dish pizza, and the infuriating social media shitstorm that followed? That’s going to happen again. But like, ten times as worse.
  • The only people that stay for the late rounds will be Northwestern alumni and fans hoping that some team takes a chance on one of the graduating seniors. I will be one of them. Nobody from NU will be drafted.
  • Some Chicago hero will run into Mike Mayock at a Chicago bar after the draft ends. He will claim to be a “big fan”, and offer to order Mayock a shot. The shot will be of Jeppson’s Malort. 
  • Rich Eisen, Marshall Faulk, Steve Mariucci, and Michael Irvin all grow mustaches for the NFL Network broadcast of the draft. It’s good for a chuckle or two.
  • Peter King will write a scathing take on traveling to Chicago for 1 week to cover the draft, complaining about the quality of coffee in his hotel. He will also try to force in an awkward story about the economic woes and violence (especially the gun violence) that occurs with frightening regularity on the south and west sides of Chicago. Peter King will not visit the south or west side of Chicago. Peter King will spend the entire visit either at his hotel or at the draft venue.
  • Citizens in Chicago will petition that the draft be held outdoors at Millennium Park at the Pritzker Pavilion, in Lincoln Park, the nation’s second-most-popular park, or along one of Chicago’s beaches. The NFL will decline, because the prospective weather forecast will call for a 110 degree day followed by a polar vortex that will chill Chicago to the point where it is colder there than on the surface of Mars. They decide to hold it at the boring-ass convention center, and when the draft rolls around, we’re treated to beautiful sunny skies and 75 degree weather. Peter King will still try to complain about it.
  • Chicagoans will create a drinking game for the draft, which leads to over 20,000 cases of alcohol poisoning, according to data released by Northwestern Memorial Hospital. The rules are as follows:
    • Drink every time Mike Ditka is mentioned.
    • If Mike Ditka is on-screen, chug until he leaves the screen.
    • Drink for every Big Ten prospect drafted in the first round.
    • Drink whenever they refer to Chicago as “Chi-town”, “The Second City”, or “The City of Broad Shoulders”
    • Finish your beer if they somehow shoehorn in Michael Wilbon to talk about Northwestern
    • Finish your beer whenever the Bears draft a player. This isn’t a rule, per se, it’s just something that will kind of end up happening.