Certificate Of Merit June 3

We start off this week’s Kommentariat Komments of the Week with an apology to Kommenter Rikki-Tikki-Deadly. We forgot to credit him in the introduction to this week’s mock draft post, Movies We Wish We Could Unsee. It was RTD’s idea for the draft, which we lifted from the comments and then failed to mention where the draft subject came from. Please accept our deepest apologies as it was not intentional, we just were not on the ball.

It was another great week for commenting around here at KSK. There was glorious comedy in the Spelling Bee live blog, there was a Comedy Pyramid of the Week: Richard Sherman Cooks Healthy Stuff For The First Lady, and there was a Jim Kelly joke so raw we had to all take showers after we laughed at it.

But those aren’t the comments of the week. This week we had loaded a bunch of comments into the system, but two glorious comments stood out above the rest and to post anything around these two comments would only lessen their glory.

I am your host Sarah Sprague and these are your Comments of the Week June 3, 2014, may we forever bask in their sunshine.

Conner Barwin Freestyle Contest

SonOfSpam

My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it’s not so bad,
it’s not so bad..

Barwin, I wrote you but you still ain’t balling
Your defensive ratings, they been at the bottom
I told you to sack guys, you must not-a got ‘em
There probably was a problem with the coaches or something
Sometimes I make excuses for you when you lose games
but anyways; fuck it, what’s up? How’s Riley Cooper?
I fight fellas too, backstage passes are super
I’m gonna win tickets from you, don’t be hatin
I’m all about football and drunk masturbatin
I read about Andy Reid too, I’m sorry
I guess he ate too much so his team didn’t want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I’m your biggest fan
I even watch that porn you did with Michael Sam
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the time you knocked down Romo, that shit was wack
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Spam

My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it’s not so bad,
it’s not so bad..

Dear Mister-I’m-No-Good-At-Football-So-We’re-In-Last,
this’ll be the last e-mail I ever send your ass
It’s been six games and no sacks – I don’t deserve it?
I know you saw my last two Twitters;
I ranted knowledge on ‘em perfect
So this is your jersey I’m sending you, I hope you wear it
I’m in the car right now, making sweet love to a ferret
Hey Barwin, I ate at Geno’s, you dare me to shart?
You know the song by Phil Collins, “You’ll Be In My Heart”
about that guy who coulda stayed in the jungle with his monkey
but didn’t, then Jane turned into a bitch, and got all chunky?
That’s kinda how this is, you coulda played ball like Tarzan
Now it’s too late – I’m on a weird mix of Red Bull and Atavan
and all I wanted was a lousy sack or a win
I hope you know I tore all of your pictures off my home gym
I love you man, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you lose and get cut about it
And when you’re cut I hope you go broke and homeless about it
I hope your tattoos go flabby and you can’t flex without me
See dude; [*screaming*] Shut up ferret! I’m trying to talk!
Hey Connor, that’s my ferret screeching in the trunk
but I didn’t jump offsides, I just tied her up, see I ain’t like you
cause if she throws a pick she’ll suffer more, and she’ll get cut too
Well, gotta go, I’m almost at my mom’s place
Oh shit, I forgot, when’s that show with 3rd Bass?

(Reply) Cereal Killer

Dear Spam,

I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
Woulda dropped by your Mom’s but was afraid you’d try to kiss me
Look, I’m really weirded out about that ferret crap
so here’s a restraining order,
and your PO called so please don’t make me call him back
I’m sorry I didn’t see you at the games, I musta missed you
or maybe you got banned cuz of what you said to that official
But what’s this shit you said about you like to eat at Geno’s?
Go to Pat’s if you don’t wanna shart or at least bring yourself some beano
You got some issues Spam, I think you need some kounseling
or at least a whiskey bottle for your feelings when you need to drown some
And what’s this shit about it being wack to tackle Romo?
That’s the type of dude I love to hit the most (no homo)
I really think you and the kommentariat need each other
to help find NSFW sexy pics so we can drink and beat it better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you’ll be doing just fine
if you relax a little, I’m glad I inspire you but Spam
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that the Eagles do want you as a fan
We just don’t wanna do some crazy shit
like actually win a Super Bowl, although that would be sick
Some dude named Goodell pays us to resign players with racist YouTube vids
Yeah I dunno who he is either, maybe one of Jerry Jones’ kids
and even though I know Howie sucks, cutting D-Jax like a clown
it could always be worse, you could be rooting for the Browns

Damn!