via New York Magazine

Hi folks, I’m Terry Bradshaw, former quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers and current Vice President of Hyucks at Fox NFL Sunday. Now I’m a simple, salt-of-the-earth kinda guy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know nothin’ about international politics! Why, I’ve got a whole mess of ideas on how to fix this country, and plenty of opinions on those fancy pants elitists who want to run it! THAT MEANS YOU HILLARY CLINTON!

Folks, when I first heard about Benghazi, I said no thanks I don’t eat curry! But now I realize just how serious an issue it is. If we can’t trust a person to tell the truth about something like that, how are we supposed to trust them to run our great country? IT’S LIKE PUTTING BACON BITS INTO SOIL AND EXPECTING THEM TO GROW INTO PIG TREES! IT DON’T WORK! TRUST ME I KNOW!

Never cross your eyes when flooding a nest of yellow jackets. That’s just a recipe for trouble!

Speaking of the whole Benghazi mess, folks, I can’t tell you how surprised when I found it was Arabs behind the Benghazi attack. After all the freedom we gave them, it’s hard to believe but some of them out there still don’t like us! Still, you can’t paint all Arabs as terrorists. That’s a stereotype. A lot of Arabs drive taxis too!

There’s an old saying where I come from: always unplug your toaster before you wash it in the sink.

Now look folks, I’m not gonna tell you who to vote for. By gum, I once spent an hour and a half in a voting booth thinking it was a toilet. Boy were they mad! But I’ll tell you what: if you vote for Hillary, I ain’t got no sympathy for you when the country turns for the worse. Forget all this Benghazi mess, think about all the other stuff she wants to do. She wants to take away everything. She wants to take our guns, our land, and our sacks of dirty underwear we keep hidden deep in the attic where the raccoons can’t find ‘em!

Liquor and bear traps don’t mix!

And let’s not forget the health care, folks. She and her philaderin’ hubby push that ALL the time, say we gotta be like other countries. WELL I SAY AMERICA’S WAY IS A GOOD ENOUGH WAY FOR ME. Health care around the parts I come from is what we called Aunt Mable’s sewing kit, a wooden plank, and a bottle of whiskey we keep in the cupboard. We didn’t need fancy stuff like iodine and doctors and clean bed sheets! That’s the Eurotrash way of doing things.

If a man on the side of the road offers you free gravy, always say yes. Don’t ever turn down free gravy!

I remember Watergate. Thought at first they were talking about the wooden gate I built to dam up the creek. That damn thing never worked very well! I even put a padlock on it, but wouldn’t you know it, the water always found a way through! No, turns out the real Watergate was much worse than that. It was about … well, daggummit, I forgot again, but it was bad! And you don’t want nobody who was involved in doing bad things running the country!

Whatever you do, don’t rub jalapeño salsa on your taint!

Come to think of it, maybe ol’ Uncle Terry oughtta throw his hat in the ring! I’d whip this country into shape. Or I could be an ambassador! I know a lot about international politics. For example, if you’re trying to figure out if a Russian diplomat is lying, slap him right when he starts talking. If his leg twitches, ya can’t trust him! My pappy taught me that one when I was five.

If it doesn’t have a squirrel in the glovebox, you can’t call it a real pickup truck!

Whatever the case may be folks, it’s your duty as an American to educate yourself on the candidates so that you’ll be educated when it comes to time to cast your ballot. For example, did you know that Marco Rubio doesn’t care for pork rinds? That don’t sit right with me!

Gasoline is for cars and starting fires. Not for drinking!

Frankly, I don’t really like much of the candidates out there. I think they’re all hucksters, but at the end of the day ya gotta suck it up and pick the one that’s going to stick the closest to his principles. Cuz frankly, if you don’t vote, then you might as well just leave America and go to someplace like Alaska. We don’t need you around here! We’re trying to make America better, not sit on our duffs counting the Cheetos on the floor like I was doing an hour ago!

My mama always said it’s good luck to stick your finger in a plumber’s asscrack!