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Adrian Peterson must have read one of the dozens of copies of The Postmortal that the author sent him, because the 29-year-old running back believes that age doesn’t apply to him. And good for Adrian. So what if he’s reaching the dreaded 30-year-old plateau? He has plenty of tread on the tires. Hell, he’s only had 2,033 career carries. Wait, is that a lot? That actually sounds like a lot. Oh god, Adrian Peterson’s career is almost over and we’re all going to die one day.

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Mike Pettine looks like the guy you get paired up with every time you sign up to play golf as a threesome.

When Rex Ryan says you need to “learn to be quiet,” you should really think about shutting up. Nobody seems to know why Mike Pettine has been running his mouth about the Jets’ defensive playbook, and how the Patriots might have a copy, and how that copy may have come from Nick Saban, and OH MY GOD STOP TALKING FOREVER. Saban flatly denied the claim (though it does sound like something he’d do), and Ryan is left wondering what the fuck Mike Pettine’s problem is. Coaching the Browns is already taking it’s toll on him.

Note: No one is ever going to catch the Browns for Most Appearances In Worst Week.