Arian Foster: Good evening, and welcome back to Arian Foster’s Philosopher’s Corner, where we turn over the most important thoughts and topics of our day. I’d like to thank my last guest, Ralph Nader, for coming by to talk about vegan cats and their role in upending the ongoing travesty of the bicameral legislature.
My next guest hardly needs an introduction: besides winning a Super Bowl and being a multiple-MVP winner, he’s also one of our league’s foremost supporters of capitalism vis a vis his endorsements, Peyton Manning.
Peyton Manning: Hey, thanks for having me, Arian, thanks so much.
Arian: So, Peyton, despite missing an entire season and a mysteriously miraculous recovery at an advanced age, you’ve remained at the forefront of commercial endorsements even as you remain behind your lesser-promoted brother Eli in terms of Super Bowl wins which leads me to this question: Are you not aware of the role you play in preventing the decentralization of America’s wealth?
Peyton: Oh, uh, well, uh…
Arian: You are aware of the powerful position you’re in to sway the electorate, correct?
Peyton: Okay, sure, yeah, I have a lot of terrific fans in Denver.
Arian: Indeed. And what brings you that power?
Peyton: Well, let’s be honest, it’s Denver. They just want a return of Elway so bad after Plummer and Cutler that any idiot who can ride a terrific defense and a lucky play or two to a playoff win is considered God.
Arian: Interesting you invoked God there, Peyton.
Peyton: Oh, yeah, well… uh…
Arian: Because I want to talk to you about how our commissioner, who has your ear, is using something to play God: the almighty dollar. Case in point: The NFL’s ongoing deal with DirecTV.
Peyton: I can’t watch a game I’m playing in, Arian, that would make me a wizard and, frankly, I don’t think I’m a wizard.
Arian: Not you, dummy, the people who help pay your salary. The fans. The fans who are already disenfranchised by the NFL’s hilariously awful TV black-out rules. They’re the ones who are going to get screwed.
Peyton: How do you mean?
Arian: You have to give the people a choice, you know? And Goodell and the NFL don’t give your fans any choice. Did you know any fans across the globe except for in America are allowed to have access to the NFL’s Sunday Ticket online?
Peyton: What’s a “glob”?
Peyton: Ah… Still don’t get it.
Arian: Hashtag smh, PeyPey. It means the American consumer, already railroaded by taxes and a lifetime of inequality, must pay out even more money to have the ability to access the game they want to watch on Sunday rather than be subjected to regional television whims. Would YOU want to watch the Jags play the Raiders if you had a choice?
Peyton: Oh, no. Oh GOD no. OH GOD, ARIAN, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT?
Arian: Because it’s a choice most fans don’t have and the potential merger of AT&T and DirecTV would further cement that, giving DirecTV the chance to extend the deal. Why else would AT&T be interested? Thus, the monopoly continues, prices rise, and fans are frozen out, driven online to watch you flop around a field via shitty illegal streams from Russia that make homemade cat videos look like a Coen Brothers masterpiece. It’s an aggressive move of monopolization that would further disenfranchise a fanbase who already deals with sub-optimal income disparity to enjoy a pastime.
Peyton: *silent stare*
Peyton: OH GOD, THAT’S GROSS. WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?
Arian: Because corporate overlords kept you from having the choice you wanted. Because of them, Papa John’s only offers stale ham & pineapple pizza that’s four days old. If you want the pizza you want-
Arian: *puffs on pipe, nods*
Peyton: *scowls* Wha…. hmmmm….
Peyton: OH! I get it!
Arian: And that concludes this segment. Coming up next, my guest will be Dr. Cornell West and actress Emma Stone.
I want more like this!
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