Hoo boy. Here we go again.
Look, I get it. We all know Darren Rovell is a branding robot systematically programmed to spit out valuations of LeBron James’ game-worn skivvies and terrible, terrible puns. I’m not here to eviscerate him for that tweet. The good folks of the Internet have already gifted him a new asshole.
No, what really gets me is the fact that 66 people felt it necessary to telephone along his garbled up binary code for the rest of the world to see. 66 people thought that was funny, and not all of them ironically.
So who are these folks? Who actually L’d OL at that? Glad you asked. Let’s take a look at a typical day in the life of one of Rovell’s minions.
6:13 a.m. - Wakes up 17 minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Turns on sports talk radio.
6:17 a.m. - Does three crunches. Rewards self with an entire box of doughnut holes. Microwaves a cup of coffee.
6:29 a.m. - Spills coffee on his leg while trying to multi-task shitting and calling “Bulldog” Butch Broadcaster.
6:36 a.m. - Accidentally pees on wife’s loofa hanging from the bathtub faucet. She’ll never learn.
7:33 a.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
7:34 a.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
7:35 a.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
7:36 a.m. - Updates Facebook status to “Morning drivers worse than Obamacare”
7:36 a.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
7:58 a.m. - Pays for Diet Mountain Dew and a gas station taquito with Visa check card acquired as part of a DirecTV rebate.
8:04 a.m. - Backs into parking spot at work.
8:49 a.m. - Wipes booger underneath desk.
9:04 a.m. - Puts conference call on mute.
9:04 a.m. - Audibly farts.
9:05 a.m. - Coughs into phone headset.
9:06 a.m. - Mumbles something about Tina in marketing.
9:07 a.m. - Realizes “mute” is next to “speakerphone”.
10:31 a.m. - Fucking HR.
10:33 a.m. - Logs on to Rivals message board using a friend’s account.
10:35 a.m. - Wishes his account hadn’t been suspended.
10:39 a.m. - Attempts to call another poster an “ignorant queer” anyway.
11:40 a.m. - Fucking IT.
12:13 p.m. - Lunch in the Kia.
12:29 p.m. - Considers masturbating.
12:30 p.m. - Falls asleep.
12:47 p.m. - Woken up by a hot Rome take.
12:49 p.m. - Eats a tater tot that fell into his Diet Mountain Dew.
12:53 p.m. - Calls @PFTCommenter an idiot.
12:54 p.m. - Posts link to “Which ‘Coach’ character are you?” quiz on Facebook. Is Dauber.
12:55 p.m. - Accidentally takes elevator to wrong floor.
12:56 p.m. - Is in a gynecologist’s waiting room.
1:09 p.m. - Announces to his 17 Twitter followers, simply “lol”
1:11 p.m. - Finishes shitting.
1:12 p.m. - Takes elevator back to his floor.
1:49 p.m. - Wipes booger underneath desk.
2:37 p.m. - Receives email from an upset buddy about his now-deactivated Rivals account.
2:38 p.m. - Googles “wanking gif”
2:49 p.m. - Googles “Entourage movie release date”
2:53 p.m. - Googles “DIY motorized cooler”
2:57 p.m. - Googles “cheap divorce lawyer”
3:04 p.m. - Googles “does Ben Gay cause hemorrhoids”
3:07 p.m. - Scratches butt.
3:47 p.m. - Wipes booger underneath desk.
4:14 p.m. - Listens to Eagles station on Pandora.
4:37 p.m. - Notices Phil is in a meeting. Types 80085 into his calculator.
4:57 p.m. - Flicks a booger into the trashcan.
4:59 p.m. - Fuck it, I’m out
5:17 p.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
5:18 p.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
5:19 p.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
5:20 p.m. - Selfie.
5:21 p.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
5:57 p.m. - Puts on softball uniform in the car.
6:03 p.m. - Shits in a port-o-potty.
6:04 p.m. - Announces to team that no one should use the port-o-potty.
6:05 p.m. - Sincerely wonders why no girls ever show up to softball.
6:37 p.m. - Argues balls and strikes.
6:38 p.m. - Strikes out.
6:39 p.m. - Is asked to leave the premises.
6:57 p.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
6:58 p.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
6:59 p.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
7:00 p.m. - Finishes family size bucket of KFC.
7:01 p.m. - Changes lanes without signaling.
7:12 p.m. - Announces KFC was closed so family will order pizza for dinner.
7:49 p.m. - Eats half a pizza.
8:03 p.m. - Settles in with wife to catch up on “Mike and Molly”
8:49 p.m. - Wife goes to read.
8:50 p.m. - Stands by “I’d probably do Molly’s mom” statement
9:14 p.m. - Wipes booger on empty Hot Fries bag.
10:13 p.m. - Masturbates in the garage.
10:37 p.m. - DVRs the Craig Ferguson show.
10:38 p.m. - Falls asleep in chair.
I want more like this!
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