Now that the REAL draft is behind us, and Kiper and McShay STILL haven’t kissed, it’s up to us to continue the draft industrial complex’s hard work through the off-season. Today we’re going to be drafting fictional sports teams from movies, TV shows, hell even the team that buddy the goon played for in that Warren Zevon song that Mitch Albom wrote (really happened) would count. Let’s get started with two rounds and then it’s up to you guys to keep it going.
1. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – Toon squad from Space Jam
Arguably the best basketball team ever assembled, the Tune Squad, captained by Michael Jordan, posted a ridiculous 100% field goal percentage (among visible shots) across their one and only game against the Monstars. Bill Murray even knocked one down. Not only is this the best basketball team ever, this is probably the best team ever.
Sidenote – I would probably pay upwards of 100 dollars per ticket if they were ever to make a Space Touchdown starring Megatron and a bunch of other NFL stars.
2. Big Sandy selects – The Bad News Bears (Original 1976 team)
There has never been such a scrappy, gritty, rag-tag bunch of scrap-heap that played out of their mine and over their head, too young to know better. Before David Eckstein, there was Tanner Boyle. Before there was Mike Trout, there was Kelly Leak. Before there was Clayton Kershaw, there was Amanda Whurlizer. A COMPLETE TEAM.
And best of all? They were some of the worst-behaved kids in the world, meaning they were a lovable bunch of losers who’d still alienate the Peter King and Rick Reilly types. Their success would make Skip Bayless’ brain melt and leak out his brain.
Truly, these were beer-soaked champions, no matter what the final score says.
3. Eric Sollenberger selects – Texas State from Necessary Roughness
Necessary Roughness. Anytime you can get Scott Bakula, Kathy Ireland, Sinbad, and Rob Schneider to buy into the same coaching philosophy it makes the patriot way pale in comparison. Kathy Ireland plays the least convincing kicker of all time and no one really cares. Doesn’t matter how it looks, just matters that it goes in- aka the Sebastian Janikowski doctrine.
4. Johnny Sugar – Mystery, Alaska
I can’t remember if the team in this movie actually had a name, but I’ve always thought this movie was pretty underrated, and in any event, they give the Rangers a serious run for their money. Plus, how fun would it be to watch an NHL team play a preseason game against a bunch of random folks who play a pickup game every weekend? Would Gary Bettman ever actually think of that? of course not! This movie gets bonus points because it was the first R-rated movie I ever saw in theaters.
5. Trevor Risk selects – Lee High School Football from Dazed and Confused
MARIJUANA ON ONE
REEFER ON TWO
Randall “Pink” Floyd better watch out for that other crowd he’s running with. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.
6. Sarah Sprague selects – Wildcats
Best rapping football team in all of history, plus young Woody Harrison and Wesley Snipes.
7. StuScottBooyahs selects – The Gotham Rogues from the Dark Knight Rises
Although they ended the season with a DNF. FEATULES NUMBELL ONE SMALTEST LECEIVEL.
8. PFT Commenter selects – Rudy
Dont need a whole team thanks I’ll take “Rudy” and be on my way. Rudy makes David Exstein and Julian Edelmen look like Willie Beamen and Terrell Owens.
9. Old James selects – West Canaan High School Football from Varsity Blues
Because football is a way of life. Losing is not an option. And, deep down, part of me has always wanted to put my wiener on the glass at the Alano Club.
10. Christmas Ape selects – Pin Pals
Got some fancy shirts!
11. Christmas Ape selects – Gashouse Gorillas
Sure, they lose to Bugs Bunny, but they smoke on the field, bat with tree trunks and are one of the few teams named for monkeys, so my kind of guys.
12. Old James selects – The Mighty Ducks
Because one day they’re a winless team of misfits playing ice hockey in rags for a coach who’s only there because he’s being punished for a DUI, the next they’re representing the United States of America in the Junior Goodwill Games. Is that a plausible story line? I don’t know, why are you asking? You heartless terrorist. Any problem you have with the Mighty Ducks is a problem you have with me.
Also, Les Averman is my spirit animal.
RobotsFightingDinosaurs: Cannot believe the Ducks fell this far
Trevor Risk: Most of Canada hates this movie because they refer to the score in “points” and not “goals”.
StuScottBooyahs: I like to believe that the makers of that movie were just trolling Canada for fun
13. PFT Commenter tries to selects – TC Williams High School Titans prior to the year 1970 (no offence)
Welp Im told that there not a fictional team, so instead Im just going to go with Rocky and Mickey from the “Rocky” movies
Really all sports are is men fighting verse each other with diffrent rules. You think Mick would ever let Rocky get away with complaining about a little CTE? Hed say “wipe your butt and take to asprins, Cathy” and ol Rock would stop feeling sorry for his self pretty quickly. Rocky gave me the strength to stand up against PC Police because eben though a PC policeman can be smarter and flashier then you, if you keep throwing haymakers they’ll eventually get to tired to fight back and then you win on a technicality.
14. StuScottBooyahs selects – the Miami Sharks from Any Given Sunday
Al Pacino plays a hardass named Tony. A real stretch for him.
15. Sarah Sprague selects – The Hamilton Mustangs from Youngblood
That way I get Rob Lowe, Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves.
16. Trevor Risk selects – The Halifax Highlanders from Goon
I pretend that my favourite movie is Apocalypse Now, but it is, in fact, Goon. Actually, Role Models is probably third, so two of my top three movies are Seann William Scott vehicles for what that’s worth. Please add quotes and gifs for both films in the comment section. It will brighten my week.
17. Johnny Sugar selects – The Flint Tropics from Semi-Pro
Stunned to see them still on the board, though I’m not sure this movie ever totally got the love it deserves. Not only does the current NBA need to be more like the ABA, ALL current sports need to be more like the ABA.
18. Eric Sollenberger selects – Mean Machine from The Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard
Nelly, Cheeseburger Eddie, Michael Irvin, Burt Reynolds, Chris Rock, Goldberg, and most importantly Adam Sandler who I will befriend and then get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to act alongside in shitty movies filmed on-location in places that most people can never afford to go see.
19. Big Sandy selects – The Chiefs from Slap Shot
Tough badasses who have your back. Mostly.
20. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects- The Rockford Peaches(disqualified for being a real team)
Then I select Shaolin Soccer from Shaolin Soccer
That team had probably the best striker to play the game, backed by a midfield that can score from anywhere on the pitch. And the goalie is a Bruce Lee impersonator.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.