Certificate Of Merit May 7

It was a great week for comedy pyramids for the Kommentariat. Many worthy pyramids, but the entire thread for Jim Irsay Almost Picked ‘Game Of Thrones’ “Mountain” As His Champion One Year Ago had me in tears. The praise of PFT Commenter on his Infowars boner meds was both hilarious and well-deserved.

Before we begin a quick note to the concerned. I assure you Martin, I do read the comments on Sexy Friday. I may not see your every comment the day it is posted, but don’t worry. As ancient bard Sting once wrote on the side of a dimly lit room in a primitive music video, “I’ll be watching you.”

I am your host Sarah Sprague and these are your Comments of the Week for May 14-20, 2014.

NFL Now Being Sued For Doling Out Illegal Drugs To Players To Mask Injuries

King Hippo

Ah, my sweet NFL. You had me at “years of free pills.”

KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Peyton Manning Is On Drugs

WhyEaglesWhy

Mason jars? Fucking hipster drug addicts. I hope the cops seized the vintage apothecary set she uses to cook her shit.

Brandon Marshall Signs Contract Extension On ‘The View’

Duchess

Not to be out done the Chargers plan on waiving Phillip Rivers next year on the 700 Club.

Peter King Confronts The Horror of The No Latte Diet

Picketts Charge

“But once a player takes something without checking whether it’s kosher with the drug program, I have no sympathy if he tests positive and appeals on humanitarian or other grounds. The policy Mathis’ own union signed off on couldn’t be more crystal clear.”

“I understand Peter King’s comments,” Mathis did not say in response. “Obviously, I disagree with them, and I intend to fight what I believe to be a misapplication of the rules. But Peter has been covering the NFL for a lot of years, and I respect him and understand his opinion.

“Actually, you know what? Fuck it,” Mathis did not go on to say to a room full of sports reporters heading for the exits who suddenly scrambled back into their seats and got out their recorders and notepads. “Fuck it, and fuck him. I’m being punished under the same set of rules designed to keep players from getting a heightened advantage over the competition. In a way, I suppose I am guilty of that, the competition in this case being a set of biological factors that were preventing me from successfully conceiving a child with my own wife. If there’s a way that that will help me get to the edge against Ryan Clady, I have yet to figure it out, but I’m being punished as though that’s the reason I took it. Perhaps Dr. Peter King, noted bioethicist and professor of logic at Sweet Fuck All University, will explain in detail how one is the same as the other.

“No, hang on, I am not finished,” Mathis did not snap at a Colts communications staffer desperately trying to turn off his mic. “There are dudes in this league who have several kids with a lot of women. That’s their life, and it’s not my place to judge, though I will say that that’s a mighty expensive habit – it’d be cheaper in the end to snort coke off hookers all day and night, except that that would get them suspended. Which brings me back to my point: these fuckers can have a gross of children with a dozen women and get behind on their child support and no one says boo, but I try to have one child with the woman I committed to spend my life with and the League treats me like a criminal, and I’m judged by a man who fights with his nutritionist about having to drink regular coffee like a grown fucking man. This is some bullshit.

“And let me just say,” Mathis did not conclude, stiff-arming the now-weeping communications staffer off the podium, “that while I am grateful to have the Colts with me on this, I am not blind. I know this is more about the need to get pressure on Peyton Manning than it is about my wife and me becoming parents, and that’s alright – this is a business, I get it. But the owner of this team was pulled over with half a fucking Walgreens in his car and looking like a drowned Keith Richards, and all the judgment PK could muster for him was some good fucking wishes that he can get his life together. My life is together, and thanks to this treatment, my wife and I have the family we’ve wanted. So, in conclusion, I regret nothing, and Peter King is a greasy little management catamite. Thank you all for coming, and someone please get a doctor for that dude I knocked down. He’s going grey.”

Best Week/Worst Week: Josh McCown and the Browns PR Staff

Monty this seems strange to me

A conspiracy of Seahawks

Original Aint

A fifth of Saints fans

Make it snow

An infection of Buccaneers

Monty this seems strange to me

A meh of Texans

LOLNFL: NFL Draftstravaganza

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

PAUL ALLEN: [via email] Oh man we beat up your boys real good, Elway. How do you like them apples?
JOHN ELWAY: Actually I like apples very much.