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Yesterday, the NFL selected Minneapolis as the host of Super Bowl LII in 2018, beating out New Orleans and Indianapolis. Below, find excerpts from yesterday’s presentation transcripts, obtained under cover of night.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: Send in the delegation from Indianapolis!

Enter: The Mayor of Indianapolis, Jeff George, and Speed Buggy.

The Mayor of Indianapolis: Gee, Commish – can I call you Commish? Heh. So, anyway, thanks for having us back. We had that great Super Bowl, huh? And we thought, ya know, New Orleans may have Mardi Gras and Minneapolis may be the home of Dr. Demento – I really love that show – but we here from Indianapolis brought you our team’s fourth best quarterback in Indy history, Mr. Jeff George-

Jeff George: Sup, bros.

Mayor of Indy: And world-renowned symbol of cars everywhere – and we’re known for our car races – Mr. Speed Buggy.

Jeff: So, look here, commish, we got some quality poon here in Indianapolis. Hell, you walk over to the downtown Marriott any night of the week and it’s like your swimming in gator country, am I right?

Goodell: Gooooo oooonnnn…

Mayor: Mr. George, really, if we could move on to the butter sculpture portion-

Jeff: Nah, man, the commish wants to hear about those fine Indiana asses! Man, commish, they are bountiful and plentiful, I TELL YOU WHUT. In fact, I have no idea why the hell I’m here when I could be back at home, neck deep in fine Indy tang, listening to some goddamn Hall & Oates while chugging some badass Straw-Ber-Ritas!

Goodell: Gooooooooo oooooooonnnnnnn…

Jeff: Seriously, commish, you and me, we can just cruise around in my Trans Am, blasting some TUNES and just picking up tail. I mean, with a Super Bowl in Indy, we’d get ladies from all over! Cincinnati, Toledo, Louisville, Springfield, Gary, shit. It’d be damn near heaven!

Mayor: Jeff, don’t you think the Commish would like to hear about our race course or the new renovated downtown Chili’s or the new statue of Double Dare host Marc Summers that we just erected-

Jeff: Heh, erected. Dammit, I’m horny now. C’mon, Speedy, let’s go pick up Larry Bird and find us some sweet permed punani!

Jeff jumps in Speed Buggy, chugging a bottle of whiskey, and the two speed off. The Mayor rolls in a rickety VHS player and TV and inserts a videotape.

Mayor: *Shrugging* I mean, we kinda knew we ain’t got shit, so…

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: Send in the delegation from New Orleans!

Door flies open.

Rob Ryan: WOOOOOOO! What’s happenin’, Rog? You look like you could use a stiff drink and a roll in the hay with Aaron Hernandez! WOOOOOOO!

Goodell: Coach Ryan, you’re hear to present for the city of New Orleans?

Rob: You bet your sweet ginger ass! Now, look here. I know there was that whole black out business last time around, but, hey, accidents happen, am I right, Rog? Wink wink? Accidents?

Goodell: *clears throat* Coach Ryan-

Rob: BWAHAHAHAHA, I ain’t here to talk about the past, Rog! Hell, I ain’t here to talk at all. We in the BIG SLEAZE have made a video presentation for ya! Enjoy!

Rob: *drops mic*

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: Send in the delegation from Minneapolis!

Enter: Prince.

Goodell: Hello, Mr. Prince. You may begin now.

Prince1

Goodell: Um, sir?

Prince2

Goodell: Do you have a video presentation?

Prince3

Goodell: Uh…

Prince4

Goodell: …

Prince5

[Transcript ends]