mel-kiper-jr

It was revealed Tuesday that male students at a California high school were caught holding a “prom draft” in which female students were ranked, and one kid paid $140 in order to “select” one girl #1 overall. Apparently, she had never even met the poor sap, and was understandably disturbed at what was going on here.

Sure, this is creepy, and should never happen again, BUT YOU KNOW WHO THE REAL VICTIMS ARE HERE? KIPER AND MCSHAY! Think of all the mock prom drafts they didn’t get to make because these kids had the nerve to keep this secret. Kiper could have put Jessica from math class #1 overall, then dropped her to #6 the next week for no discernible reason, and convince ESPN insiders to pay for it. Think of the chances Merrill Hoge missed to angrily claim that Ashley from gym class isn’t worth anything more than a third-round pick because of “character issues,” which would amount to nothing more than not hustling during one particularly competitive game of dodgeball. Finally, at least one columnist could have outed himself as a huge creep by putting a freshman at the top of his big board. I would’ve bet on Mariotti. Wait, do people still care what he thinks?

And really, they couldn’t give Chris Mortensen some false information to post on Twitter for this draft? How fun would it have been to have Mort claim than Tommy from the football team was TOTALLY gonna take the head cheerleader with #3 pick, then frantically claim that he was actually gonna wait and see if she was still available at #15? Or better yet, a Phil Mushnick column where he just happens to think that one of the black girls in the draft is the riskiest pick? We missed the chance for an orgy of prom draft strong takes. If only we’d known ahead of time.

This was a bad idea, and a reminder that horny teenage boys are the dumbest people on the planet, but it could have been worse. Sure, the girls at this school were blatantly objectified, and have every right to be really fucking pissed off. But at least they didn’t to go through a pro day.