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“Death, taxes, and the off-season. Hate ‘em. And you can bet your lily-white ass I’ve cheated my way through all three.”

“For me, the draft is like Christmas. No one likes what I got them, people just sit around bitching at each other, and it’s a long year leading up to the next one. But at least when it’s over the Cowboys have shat away their playoff hopes.”

“Manziel? Please. If I wanted another whiny, spoiled little brat ruining my life I’d stop pulling out.”

“I haven’t been that excited watching a kid fall since I took a can of WD-40 to my neighbor’s jungle gym.”

“Kevin Costner as a personnel man? Let’s just say no one will be coming when they see the team that baseball nerd built.”

“Just so we’re clear, I’m talking about ejaculation.”

“I’ve never received the loving embrace of another human being.”

“What do I do after the draft is over? Been watching TV. Young kids being poisoned. Fellas running around with no testicles. Bunch of idiots talking about dragons, shields, arsenals, world domination and whatnot in European accents. Soccer is fucking weird.”

“You wanna see a real ‘Game of Thrones’ then go grab me some saran wrap and one of them social media interns wearing flip-flops.”

“Baking powder is NOT the same thing as Gold Bond. But I’ll be damned if my pubes don’t have more volume now.”

“Criticize all you want, but instilling the importance of having a good motor to kids at a young age is a GREAT idea. So I stand by my decision to take the governor off my son’s Power Wheels.”

“Work ethics begin in the weight room. Unfortunately they sometimes end in the courtroom. Fucking HR.”

“I eat 95% of my meals in my van.”

“Opinions and Assholes. That Chris Berman sure knows how to name a boat.”

“I got suspended for taking a fertility aid once. Drink nine Zimas before prom, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.”

“Call me crazy, but come world’s end, Ed Hochuli will be the last man standing.”

“I guess a woman player isn’t so far-fetched now, is it? Although I think Brady Quinn might’ve already broken that barrier.”

“Using a baby bottle as a spitter was probably when my first marriage started falling apart.”

“If you tell me my scouting reports are supposed to be written on an eye pad, then don’t get pissed at me for looting an optometrist’s office.”

“Anyone who tells you ‘human’ is the most dangerous game has never pulled Rob Ryan’s finger.”

“I give all my pillows human names.”