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When we last left our Barista Berating Baron… Nope. Can’t do it. Can’t even pretend that I read of all last week’s MMQB. Why didn’t I read it? Because it’s the offseason and I value my sanity. I also value Ape’s sanity, which is why I am doing this week’s Fun with Peter King so he could have a break from the madness. So this week’s column is going to be a fun surprise in what sort of lunacy has bouncing around King Nugget’s brain for all of us.

Shall we begin?

Allow me several paragraphs before we get into draft news

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NEED DRAFT SPECULATION NOW!

(or, at least, draft rumors about Johnny Manziel and Jadeveon Clowney) and an interview with high pick Khalil Mack. There’s something else of note, something real … and at this time of year, when so much is smoke and mirrors and disguising real intent in advance of the draft, real sounds good to me right now.

Fine, but this better be real-real and not fake-real like all pre-draft fiddlesticks.

New Orleans Saints owner Tom Benson is donating $5 million to help former Saints special-teamer Steve Gleason, who now is wheelchair-bound with ALS, and his Team Gleason foundation build and operate Team Gleason House for Innovative Living. The gift, Gleason said, will be used an endowment for annual operating expenses for the home. The house, in New Orleans, will allow 18 ALS patients to live fairly close to self-sufficient lives in rooms where the operation of everything in the rooms will be controlled by patients’ eyes. The home is scheduled to open in June, and Gleason doesn’t want to stop at just one in New Orleans.

That is really nice news. And real. Allow me to be cynical just for a minute though.

Take it away Judge Brody and the statement denying preliminary approval of the concussion settlement:

In various hypothetical scenarios, the Monetary Award Fund may lack the necessary funds to pay Monetary Awards for Qualifying Diagnoses. More specifically, the Settlement contemplates a $675 million Monetary Award Fund with a 65-year lifespan for a Settlement Class of approximately 20,000 people. Retired NFL Football Players with a Qualifying Diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease, for example, are eligible for a maximum award of $3.5 million; those with a Qualifying Diagnosis of ALS may receive up to $5 million. Even if only 10 percent of Retired NFL Football Players eventually receive a Qualifying Diagnosis, it is difficult to see how the Monetary Award Fund would have the funds available over its lifespan to pay all claimants at these significant award levels.

Thought that number looked awfully familiar. Why give one person with ALS caused by their time in the NFL five million dollars when you can treat 18 people that same five million dollars. Sounds good, except for the whole providing for the rest of the players’ families and such.

“Call me crazy,’’ Gleason said Sunday afternoon, “but I envision a facility like this in every NFL city.”

That sounds sad, not crazy. Can’t we build them retirement homes in Florida and Arizona like we do for the rest of the aging population when we only want to see them at the holidays? Overlooking a nice golf course? Leaving someone to live out their days in a Minnesota winter seems cruel.

Gleason actually didn’t “say” this. His ALS has advanced to where he cannot move any extremities, and he “types” by focusing his eyes on a computer screen, arduously recording words letter by letter on the laptop.

Imagine how much shorter these columns would be if PK actually had to stare at each letter on a screen. The Ten Things He Thinks He Thinks might actually only be ten things!

“This is more than a philanthropic project between Team Gleason and Mr. Benson. This has become a friendship between people—people who are looking creatively at a massive problem and seeking solutions. Let me say that I believe this is an example of how players (ex-players in my case) and NFL organizations can unite to proactively address a problem that has not only affected the NFL, but also tens of thousands of families around the country.”

Have a problem? Throw some money at it. Got it.

*Throws a crisp George Washington a pile of dog poop on the street.*

Hey! I can’t see the shit under that dollar bill anymore, the problem must be solved!

I asked Benson what motivated him to make this gift. “Steve is part of our Saints family,’’ Benson said. “He suffers from a terrible disease but yet his focus and resolve is centered around finding a cure for ALS and helping others who suffer from ALS live full and prosperous lives—and he is doing that right here in his adopted hometown of New Orleans. We could not be more proud of him and [wife] Michel and Team Gleason.”

Also we’re paying this money out one way or another. Better to do it when it looks like a gift of charity and not ordered by a massive class action lawsuit. Can’t take pictures next to a amicus brief, but you can take pictures at a ribbon cutting ceremony.

Gleason has never blamed football—high school, college or pro—for his condition, even though his kamikaze style of play might have contributed to him being diagnosed with ALS. Rather, he has focused on doing something about a cure, appealing to the United Nations two years ago to raise the profile to fight the disease, and going about his daily life as much as possible without limits. His goal is for each NFL franchise to lead the way to building an ALS home in each market. “This gift from Mr. and Mrs. Benson,’’ he said, “… will help ensure that the Team Gleason House for innovative living will fully meet patient needs. Most of what ALS takes away, technology can give back. The Team Gleason House actually allows ALS patients to control their environment—computers, TVs, lights, doors, elevators—using just their eyes. This innovative concept allows patients to live very independently without bankrupting their families. This will allow them to collaborate with peers and colleagues to continue whatever their purpose in life may be.”

So if the general public got memory foam from NASA, maybe we’ll get better eye-controlled iPads from Team Gleason. Sounds good enough.

I’ll be corny for a moment here.

As you wish, but just know I’m still being cynical.

There’s something familial about New Orleans that’s different from most cities—maybe every city.

Barf. Go preach to the choir, Cajun Boy.

Gleason is from Spokane, Wash. He wasn’t a big football hero in New Orleans—though he did make a signature play, blocking a Falcons punt in the first post-Katrina game that led to a Saints’ upset of Atlanta—but the city loves him like a son. He has made that happen, through the force of his giving nature and because the city feels for him and his family. And because he refuses to be beaten by a disabling malady for which there is no cure. “New Orleans is a unique city,’’ Benson said. “If you love it, it will love you back more than you know.”

Now let me be corny for a moment here. I’ve lived in five major cities and one small town in my life. I’ve travelled extensively. Guess what? Every city, town and hamlet is full of salt of earth, love you like a family member residents. They are also all full of assholes. That’s what happens when you put a few million or a few dozen people in the same place. There is no special ratio of assholes to nice people unique to one spot.

Benson has put his wallet behind that love, and he seemed thrilled to do it.

“Steve has this saying: ‘No white flags,’” said Benson. “If someone is going to be behind finding a cure for ALS, it’s going to be Steve Gleason.”

“Which is why I feel good about giving him my money, so I don’t have to pay out any more in the future.”

* * *

Stars. That’s how we know there is a break the real and the fake in the column.

Ten days and counting, mercifully. Go fast, clock. Scatter-shooting what I know, now that the visitation period between players and teams is over, and the final boards are due to be set league-wide this week—if they’re not set already:

Scatter-shot generally doesn’t hit the bullseye for what it’s worth. As my AP European History teacher drilled into our tiny high school heads, “You cannot scatter-shot write down everything you know and hope to hit the target. That trick doesn’t work once you get to college.”

(Mr. S. was the best, by the way. Was the golf pro at a local club and we always had videos to watch the days after big Penguin victories because he’d be hungover. And he honestly was a great teacher. Sorry, had to digress this column was already getting boring.)

Momentum is gaining for the Atlanta Falcons moving up for Jadeveon Clowney. Not saying it’s going to happen; I’d list the odds at 40 percent. But if the Texans want to trade the No. 1 pick, the Falcons, as of this morning, are their best option.

No need to couch the opinion with “not saying it’s going to happen” while we’re still in pre-draft fantasyland, PK.

When Clowney visited Atlanta last week, he left a very positive impression with the Falcons’ coaches and brass. I’d heard prior to that meeting that the Falcons weren’t inclined to entertain thoughts about making such a bold move, from sixth pick in the first round to No. 1 overall. Now they are thinking of it. Let’s look not only at the favorable view of Clowney now, but also at general manager Thomas Dimitroff’s history. In 2011, he sat at No. 27 in the first round and wanted to move up to grab wide receiver Julio Jones. It took first-round picks in 2011 and 2012, a second-round pick in 2011, and fourth-round picks in 2011 and 2012—five picks overall—for Atlanta to move from 27 to six to get Jones. This year? To move from six to one, it would likely take Atlanta’s first-rounder this year and next—at least that would be close if you’re using the draft pick-trade chart. (The first overall pick is worth 3,000 points, the sixth 1,600. For an equal swap, the Texans might ask for more than two first-rounders, figuring there’s no way the Falcons will be drafting in the top 10 next year.) If the Texans would be happy to settle for, say, Blake Bortles or Khalil Mack, this would be a pretty good calculated risk to take, with a guaranteed first-rounder next year as the pot of gold for the risk Houston would be taking.

Yes, “settling” for Blake Bortles or Khali Mack (by the way, isn’t he being interviewed later his the column?) is a terrible position to be in for Houston. I mean, Jon Gruden compared Bortles to Ben Roethlisberger just last week!

There’s a rumor (apparently faulty) making the rounds about the Eagles moving up to try to get Johnny Manziel. I wouldn’t pass it along if the person who told me wasn’t smart and, to this point, reliable.

Hey there is this rumor that the moon is made of cheese but I wouldn’t pass it along if didn’t come from a smart person who has been reliable in the past. Cheesemonger Pierre would never steer me wrong.

But I just can’t see it, and I have someone who would know better than the rumor source telling me it absolutely won’t happen.

Why don’t put your two gossiping friends together on a blind date to hash out their stories instead of enticing your readers with a rumor you already don’t believe to be true based on a better sourced rumor?

Which seems smart to me, seeing that Nick Foles’ 27 touchdowns and two interceptions and 119.2 passer rating would be pretty damned foolish to throw out the window for Manziel. I just throw it out there to tell you this is the kind of stuff that makes the rounds when so much of what happens at this time of year is designed to be a misdirection play.

Oh, well you really faked me out with that play, PK. Misdirection! You put a red herring in the MMQB! How Agatha Christie of you.

As Bills GM Doug Whaley said Friday, speaking to western New York reporters: “It’s finally one time where we can use you guys [reporters] to our advantage. There are things that you put out there to see if someone bites and there are some things you put out there that are true. You have people read between the lines and you don’t want to show your hand. I’m sure everyone is doing the same thing.’’

I wasn’t in his class, but I bet Whaley got an A in Mr. S’s AP European course.

If Atlanta can’t get one, they can certainly get to No. 2. St. Louis holds two first-round picks—the second and 13th overall choices—and you should put something close to the mortgage down on the prospect of them trading one or both of them. The regime of GM Les Snead, in the two drafts he’s been in charge, has never not traded a first-round pick.

“HAS NEVER NOT” = I will always stop reading a paragraph with a double negative. So whatever stupidity followed, you’re all going to be spared.

“If I had the first pick in the draft,” said an NFL offensive coordinator, “I’d take Manziel.”

Well that eliminates one person who could have been this week’s anonymous source.  If he had two picks, he’d pick a genie to give him unlimited first picks.

Manziel stuff. Come to find out that one team, at the NFL Scouting Combine, spent the entire 15-minute individual interview period with Manziel talking only about his personal life and his run-ins with trouble. When the horn blew to signify he had to go to his next speed-date, Manziel asked team officials and coaches in the room, “Any football questions?” There was none … This, by the way, from one NFL offensive coordinator whose team will not be choosing a quarterback high in this draft: “If I had the first pick in the draft, I’d take Manziel.”

So this is an offensive coordinator who wants to party with… GODDAMMIT HALEY.

… I absolutely buy Dallas’ interest in Manziel. One: He is Jerry Jones’ kind of guy,

Rich.

and I believe Jones all along has had half an eye on Manziel, particularly if he could get him at a bargain position—say, the middle of the second round. I don’t believe Manziel will make it out of the first round, of course, but Jones could be sorely tempted at No. 16 overall if Manziel were there. Two: Tony Romo turned 34 last Monday, and his back is balky and twice surgically repaired, and Troy Aikman has been sounding the clarion call about the dangers of fooling with a bad back. Three: See number one.

Just imagine, Jones and Johnny at Bar Louie together. We’d finally have a good replacement for Rex and Sanchez.

The top 10 of one team not in the top 10, though I do not know the order: Two quarterbacks (Johnny Manziel, Blake Bortles), four tackles (Greg Robinson, Jake Matthews, Taylor Lewan, Zack Martin), one defensive tackle (Aaron Donald), two pass-rushers (Jadeveon Clowney, Khalil Mack), one wideout (Sammy Watkins).

But how do we know this is true? You just set up that all these rumors were misdirection? Is this like House of Leaves and I need to hold the column up to a mirror for the real answer?

Want a darkhorse for Carolina at 28—or, if the Panthers are lucky and he falls to 60? Guard-tackle Joel Bitonio of Nevada. Coach Ron Rivera went to Reno to meet him and came away impressed, I’m told.

Or misdirected!

Khalil Mack is not interested in being number two. I spent time on the phone Saturday with the most unknown of the high picks—outside linebacker Khalil Mack, from Buffalo of the Mid-American Conference. You might know some of his story: Started only one year in high school in Fort Pierce, Fla. … Buffalo was the only NCAA Division I school to offer him a scholarship … Liberty University also did, but he went to Buffalo because it was a higher level of football … Put an exclamation point on his first-round status in the 2013 season-opener at Ohio State with nine tackles, 2.5 sacks and an interception (with another sack and forced fumbled called back due to a penalty). “A fantastic football player,” Urban Meyer said after the game.

Yadda, yadda, yadda; guy who almost killed himself coaching Gator football. That’s someone you trust with smart decisions and analysis of a situation.

He doesn’t talk about his triumphs with a cocky tone in his voice. It’s more of a knowledgeable one. “Nothing about that game surprised me,’’ Mack said. “I feel like I have played against better players than at Ohio State. I’ve just always had the opinion that with hard work and dedication, anything can happen. I’m proof of that. I’ve been blessed.”

Works hard and blessed. Nothing about his lunch pail though.

Mack’s best fit is as a 3-4 outside linebacker in the NFL, though he says he can also play 4-3 end or outside ‘backer, and, at 251 pounds, it’s not impossible that he could play inside either. But his edge-rushing ability would be used best coming off the edge in the 3-4. That’s what Houston plays. And he’s frothing at the prospect of playing on the same front seven with J.J. Watt. “I met him the other day,’’ said Mack. “It’d be perfect for me. He is one great player.” Mack visited six teams: Jacksonville, St. Louis, Houston, Detroit, Atlanta and Minnesota. All are in the top 10. It’s likely he’ll go in the top five on May 8.

He’d like to go in the top one. He’s not handing the crown of best defensive player in the draft to Jadeveon Clowney.

People are always confusing the best in the draft with the highest pick in the draft. Best in the draft isn’t known for years.

“I’m so competitive,’’ he said, “that I want to be the best, and I mean better than any rusher in the NFL now, or anyone coming in. I want to be better than Aldon Smith, all those guys. I respect Jadeveon, but I really don’t care what he does. I don’t care about the hoopla, the hype, or any of that. I just want to go out on the field and compete and win. When I get out on the field, I turn on a switch and believe I can be the best person out there. Coming from Buffalo, I know I had to work hard to get to this point, and I did.”

“Got a gut feel where you’re going in the draft?” I asked.

“Not at all,” Mack said. “Wish I knew.”

He won’t have a long wait in the green room 10 nights from now. Maybe an hour, maybe less. I’ll be surprised if he gets past the sixth pick, now held (but for who knows how long) by Atlanta.

Misdirection!

* * *

Ten things you need to know about Earl Morrall.

Morrall, who died Friday at 79 in Florida of Parkinson’s Disease, got picked in the 1956 draft second overall. Number 200 overall that year: Bart Starr.

What did I just say about picked higher and best?

He quarterbacked Michigan State to the 1956 Rose Bowl title, and played infield during the Spartans’ only trip to the College World Series. In his second year in the NFL, the Steelers traded two first-round picks to obtain him from San Francisco. In his third year in the NFL, the Steelers traded him to Detroit for Bobby Layne.

Two weeks before the regular season started in 1968, Morrall, in his 12th pro season, was traded to the Baltimore Colts to serve as Johnny Unitas’ backup for the season. A week later, Unitas was lost for the year with an elbow injury. Morrall stepped in and led the Colts to a 13-1 season, won the NFL MVP award, and led the Colts into Super Bowl III against Joe Namath and the Jets. The rest is unpleasant history in the Morrall family. He threw three interceptions, and the Colts lost in one of the great upsets in NFL history.

Without Morrall, this blog might have a different name!

*Skims past of the Morrall obit and Wikipedia-level entry of scatter-shot facts.*

*Skims past quotes of the week since they’re not PK, just random quotes.*

*Skims past stat of the week which could have been folded in to the Morrall obit.*

FACTOID OF THE WEEK THAT MAY INTEREST ONLY ME

Goodness. Back to PK’s thoughts.

The most amazing factoid I learned Wednesday evening inside the NFL’s “Val Pinchbeck Room,’’ the secret bunker where four NFL executives make the schedule every year, was not that a game featuring New Zealand’s All Blacks rugby team at Soldier Field in November forced the league keep the Bears out of their stadium that weekend. (The league gave the Bears a Week 9 bye.) The odd factoid came from a loose-leaf binder that keeps all sorts of draft records. One page contains data about when the last year a team opened with two straight on the road, closed with two straight on the road, with data on the last time the team had a three-game road trip.

Here’s the bizarre factoid: The Packers have not opened a season with two straight road games since 1924.

“Gotta keep the stockholders happy.” – Goodell, fending off an angry Green Bay horde with a hard salami.

“Just incredible,’’ said the most veteran of the league’s four schedule-makers, Michael North.

It seems natural that the league would schedule Green Bay consciously at home early so the Packers could avoid as many bone-chilling late games as possible. But lately, the league has embraced tundra games. It’s surprisingly coincidental that the league, even by luck, hasn’t front-loaded road games to increase the chances of a weather game in the five post-Thanksgiving regular-season dates of the Packers.

In 1924, Green Bay opened at Duluth (a 6-3 loss) and at the Chicago Cardinals (a 3-0 loss) before playing its next five games at home in a 29-day span. The Packers finished with four straight road games.

Those four straight road games for those who are curious? At Racine, Milwaukee, Chicago and Kansas City. Practically the tropics come December.

MR. STARWOOD PREFERRED MEMBER TRAVEL NOTE OF THE WEEK

I found myself in a spot in Rhode Island for a few hours last week that I’d never been before—South Kingstown, on the sea, 45 minutes south of Providence—visiting retired New York Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride for a story you’ll be seeing this week. Wooded, quiet, close to beaches, not over-developed. What a great smell, a sea smell, even a half-mile in from the water. I realized how many beautiful places (and this certainly was one, a still fairly unspoiled part of New England, a few long spirals from the ocean) we never see in our lives. Wish I could tell you more, but there’s not much to it. In a week of not much travel, that’s the only travel observation I’ve got for you.

Mr. Starwood seems to have come down with traveller’s ennui.

*Skims Tweets of the Week, which are more non-PK thoughts.*

TEN THINGS I THINK I THINK

1. I think I always love getting the Ourlads Guide to the NFL Draft in the mail—you can order it at ourlads.com—and thumbing through to read who Tom Hepler, Dan Shonka and company are high (and low) on. Interesting notes this year: Ourlads has Washington State free safety Deone Bucannon going 13th overall, to the Rams … The quarterback picks are interesting: The first one off the board, Ourlads says, will be Johnny Manziel, 26th to Cleveland; then Blake Bortles 33rd to Houston, Teddy Bridgewater 39th to Jacksonville and Jimmy Garoppolo 40th to Minnesota.

How can we trust a printed guide? It was locked before everyone turned on Teddy Bridgewater! Or misdirected on Teddy Bridgewater!

2. I think the one consistent whine about the schedule I heard in the past few days was the Oakland fandom complaining about opening at the Jets, then returning to play at New England in Week 3 and London in Week 4. That’s a tough start for sure. But the Raiders—as most western teams do when they have to play in England—requested a Week 3 East Coast game so the trip to England would be 5.5 hours instead of 10. So the only beef is playing Week 1 back East. And who cares, really? Oakland has six games two or more time zones away. It’s logical, not onerous, that one could be in Week 1.

Yeah, who cares, the stupid fans, that’s who.

3. I think the one thing that surprised me being inside the scheduling process on Wednesday was scheduling czar Howard Katz saying he wouldn’t have had a problem making Seattle play a three-game road swing that seems, on its face, pretty mountainous: at St. Louis, at Washington (on a Monday night), at Kansas City. He’d prefer not to, and the schedule Seattle will play doesn’t have a three-game road trip. But the slate with that three-gamer came in second when the league made its final decision on which schedule to play.

Something terrible almost happened but didn’t happen but let’s brood over it anyway.

5. I think if Blake Bortles sat in the front row at a Rays or Marlins game with his girlfriend, no one would say, “Hey, why isn’t Blake Bortles concentrating on football and staying out of the public eye before the draft?” First: it’s possible directors and camera people wouldn’t know what Blake Bortles looks like, so he might not even be noticed. But also, if they did know it was Bortles and put his mug on TV, I can’t imagine anyone questioning his dedication or decision-making because he chose one evening to sit in the stands at a baseball game.

I think if someone put Blake Bortles on TV everyone would be stepping up their Blake Bortles tongue-twisters game and not be worried about football.

6. I think, also, I’d like to know the difference between J.J. Watt and Russell Wilson being on-site at the NCAA basketball tournament, and Johnny Manziel being there.

Did either of them hang in Jerry Jones’ private suite? I don’t think so. There is your difference.

7. I think I get the part about folks wondering if Manziel is devoted to his craft when they see him in the bars at 2 a.m.

You think you understand that, Mr. King? Or you do think he’s just so talented, you don’t care.

But going to sports events is a different story entirely. If you’re an NFL GM or coach and wonder about Manziel’s dedication, I’m okay with that. But I’m not okay if you say, “What’s Manziel doing at a baseball game at night instead of working out or studying tape?” I mean, how do you know he wasn’t working out as normal during the day? Do you know, for instance, that Manziel, on the day he visited with the Texans in Houston, was in the gym at 6:15 a.m.working out before he had to be in front of the Texans brass? My point about all of this: It’s fair game to doubt Manziel. But I think it is folly to suggest that being at a ballgame or The Masters is a black mark against his dedication to football.

Wrong. We’ll only know if Johnny Football is really Johnny Football is if he’s got  a football in his hand at all times. No one cares about Johnny Golf or Johnny Baseball. (Although Johnny is smart to also be Johnny Beautiful Women.)

8. I think the Texans are doing a good camouflage job, 10 days out from the draft. Very good, in fact.

It’s Texas. Houston probably has their whole office covered in Real Tree.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. The only remaining question about Donald Sterling: When’s he selling the team?

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

b. I like the two guys at the Clippers game Sunday, one white and one black. The white guy held a sign reading: “I brought a black guy 2 the game.” The black guy’s sign: “I’m black.”

PK is with you in your fight against Donald Sterling, fans!

c. Brandon Morrow, pitcher of the Blue Jays, faced 14 Red Sox batters Saturday. The 14 results: walk, pop out, walk, double-play groundout; walk, walk, fly out, double-play groundout; strikeout, fly out, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Box scores with words.

d. He walked eight in less than three innings … and the amazing thing is, when he walked off the field, he’d only given up one run. Reliever Chad Jenkins took care of that, giving up a grand slam to A.J. Pierzynski on the first pitch he threw.

Take that, Houston Texans of Baseball!

e. Daniel Murphy stole his 27th straight base Sunday. I dropped my dentures when I heard who held the Mets’ record for consecutive stolen bases: Kevin McReynolds, with 33. How is that possible?

Who knows, those late-80s Mets teams were actually pretty good, so that might have something to do with. Just scatter-shooting here though.

f. Dice-K a closer? A nibbler closing? Impossible. That’s it. I am officially a baseball dunce.

Takes a lot for a Boston man to admit they don’t know anything about sports. I’m so aghast I don’t even know how to properly make fun of him here.

g. I am also officially a TV dope. I have missed “Game of Thrones” and “Mad Men.” Totally. Every episode.

In next week’s MMQB, we discover a disgruntled barista spoiled the second episode of GoT for Peter in his cappuccino art.

h. Apropos of very little: Ansel Adams died on April 22, 1984. Richard Nixon died on April 22, 1994. Pat Tillman died on April 22, 2004.

Peter King, hinting at numerology. Maybe. Could be. Just a rumor. Or misdirection.

i. Coffeenerdness: Six shots of espresso Sunday, before 3 p.m. It is officially close to the draft.

How much coffee does one need to listen to conflicting rumors? Why not fill the mug with whiskey? The results will be the same, I assure you of that.

j. Beernerdness: Had a swell Bronx Pale Ale the other day. Strongly recommended. Lots of taste, and a great story by brewers who went out on a limb to do what they love to do, which is making beer.

PK just described every craft beer on the market.

k. If I could print the best lines each week in “Veep,’’ I would. If Elaine Benes were saying them, they’d be printable. But Selena Meyer? Too edgy for a family website.

What about “The Contest” episode? Or “The Virgin” and her diaphram? Or “The Implant” with Elaine grabbing Terri Hatcher’s breasts? Or sponge-worthiness? Are all those topics family-friendly?

THE ADIEU HAIKU

So, Donald Sterling:
You had to open your mouth.
Long past time to go.

You’re a reporter,
Don shouldn’t be news to you,
Why do you care now?*

*I have little patience for people are just now being outraged over Donald Sterling, especially people who cover sports for a living. His well-documented incidents and lawsuits over sexual harassment and racism go back decades. You’re just NOW finding out that he’s a racist? So you thought a judge made him pay out $5M in damages for housing discrimination nine years ago, that was just a simple misunderstanding? Or when his own Clippers staff sued him? You forgot that Sterling is so deluded, he couldn’t even recall that he had been sued by a former employee for pressuring her to have sex with friends and him in exchange for gifts? Well those were obviously misunderstandings. No reason you should have spoken out on him before this weekend.