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It’s a really dry time for the NFL. The biggest of the free agent flurry is long since done, the draft isn’t until May – FREAKING MAY – this year, and, well, we need SOMETHING from The Commish’s office to distract us from wide receivers with gang ties and pill-popping owners and all the HOT TAEKS that come with them.

Enter the 2014 preseason schedule. Rather than give us something to look forward to by releasing the regular season schedule, the league has decided to whet our appetite for dry dog poop by giving us the full slate of games that don’t matter.

But, hey, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right? Or you just dump a bunch of gin in the poorly squeezed lemon juice and hope it knocks you out long enough until the actual schedule is released.

Enough whining, here are our picks for the top games of the 2014 preseason.

WEEK 1
49ers @ Ravens
You’re wasting a Har-bowl on the preseason? Sure! Makes sense! Lure in viewers to get into the return of the NFL – and make no mistake, we will be lured like a junkie in need of the biggest bag of heroin we can find – with this enticing match-up. Toss the “Did the 49ers really try to trade their coach to the Browns?” storyline on top of this and you may be able to drum up some interest. Added bonus: the beginning of Joe Flacco’s next journey to become elite.

Seahawks @ Broncos
Speaking of lure, pitting a Super Bowl rematch as the first game of the preseason is also a sly, sly move, Rog! Fun Fact: 3 of the Seahawks 4 preseason games are against AFC West opponents, all teams the ‘Hawks get to play again in the regular season.

Cowboys @ Chargers
It’s a derp-off!

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WEEK 2
Skins @ Browns
It’s sadness versus sadness. Will RGME be playing or will he be sitting or hurt or something else? Imploding into a supernova? No one really knows but PFTC will surely keep us up to date. A record crowd – computer projection below – could turn up for a Cleveland preseason game.

cleveland-browns-stadium-12

Dolphins @ Bucs
Lovie Smith’s Ineffective Coaching Tour gets its home “debut” against Miami. At least, it should. A lifetime of living on the Gulf Coast taught me that at least one preseason game every year or two gets canceled because of a hurricane and El Nino is supposed to be strong this year so if you’re the betting kind, I’d say this may be it.

Texans @ Falcons
Holy shit, it’s really hard to care about preseason football, isn’t it?

WEEK 3
Saints @ Colts
Hey, it’s week 3 when starters usually get the most playing time, meaning Brees vs Luck. This game might not actually suck! *Might* not.

Panthers @ Patriots
Same as above. Could be a first half definitely worth watching. But Tom Brady is getting old. Can he keep up the Glory Boy act in the wilting summer heat. Over/under on words Peter King will write on this game alone: 5,500.5.

Rams @ Browns
Sadness versus Sadness, again. Odds something catastrophic has happened to a highly touted Browns player by the time this game is over: even.

WEEK 4
Jets @ Eagles
Well, lookie what we have here! It’s a double revenge game! Vick and his new team against his old team which features Sanchez going against his old team… or something like that. I don’t know. All I know is that there’s a good chance we could see at least 5 plays worth of either player and that’ll be JUST ENOUGH for someone like Berman or Reilly to fling turds at a TV screen about how this will be a game fraught with emotional turmoil.

Jets Vick Sanchez

Pats @ Giants
Yeah, this is supposed to be the game that the scrubs play, fighting for those last few playoffs spots. But don’t think for a second that Belichick won’t hesitate to plunge a dagger directly into the skull of either Eli Manning or Tom Coughlin. Then, sneering and licking the blood from his dagger, Belichick will urinate all over the corpse while Brady whistles and counts money.

Vikings @ Titans
Nah, I’m just fucking with you. If two bad teams play each other on the last game of preseason and no one cares, does it actually happen?