mjdoak[via]

All right, new start in Oakland. Just happy to keep my career going. Maybe if I play my cards right, once this three-year deal is up, I could even get one last contract. For that to happen, it won’t just be a matter of playing well. I’ve got to be a good company man.

And that means publicly supporting my teammates, whoever they may be. The Raiders brought on a lot of talent this off-season. Justin Tuck. Dude’s a monster. Carlos Rogers. Been doing it for years. James Jones. Uh, well he was smart enough to play with Aaron Rodgers for a while. Says good things about him.

And our quarterback…

Oh.

Shit.

For real?

Okay. You know what? I’m a professional. And it’s not like I’m used to playing with good quarterbacks. Best one we had in Jacksonville while I was there was David Garrard. Over the course of eight years, the best quarterback I played with was David Garrard. Holy shit, what did I do to deserve that?

Let’s give this a shot.

Ahem.

“I see no reason why this team can’t win in spite of Matt Schaub!”

No. NO! You can’t say “in spite of”. That sounds bad. You trying to get the media to turn you into a locker room cancer? Try again.

“If our defense plays well enough, Matt Schaub can game manage us to any height!”

Hmm. A little better but still comes off critical. Can’t have that. Don’t be afraid to bullshit the media.

“Matt Schaub is an elite quarterback with Super Bowl written all over him!”

All right, you just threw up. You can’t say something that will make you laugh or vomit. That’ll just lead to more questions. Dial it back just a touch and I think we’re there. The trick is to use “can”. That way you’re technically not lying when you say someone might do something. It is in the realm of possibility. Probably.

You can definitely make it to the Super Bowl with Matt Schaub. He has something to prove this year. Matt Schaub is a guy who can lead us.”

Oh, that it’s. No just practice the line another couple hundred times until the facial tics and stifled giggles go away while you’re saying it.