As Johnny Sugar pointed out earlier this week, the only thing that Spring is good for is making us wish that it was Summer. And when Summer comes, vacations follow with it. This week we’re drafting vacation spots. It’s pretty straightforward, they can be from anywhere in the world and you don’t even necessarily have to have been there – then you tell us how we’re idiots for not selecting Montana or wherever you used to go every year with your grandfather. Let’s get it started.
1. Big Sandy selects – Ireland
Not the first thing one might think of when they think of “vacation,” not the tropical paradise so many others would want. But it’s got beautiful countryside you can hike across and there is no possibility of a phone signal reaching you. WiFi? Screw it. This is how we get away. Also, attractive redheads and booze as far as the eye can see? Sign me up.
2. PFT Commenter selects – Canton, Ohio
Check out the museum and kiss all the busts (in a manly way) and then its of to the local subway and the rest of the sites. The Pro Football HOF is the ultimate voyage to the real Mecca folks. Honor are history and be reminded of what the game was like before players thought they were so great. If your luck you’ll have some of that classic Canton ice/snow/smog combo which turns the snow into a beautiful Raiders gray. Truly a magical place that Id like to take a girl friend one day. Rumor has it if you do sex in the HOF you get into the “Mile Low” club because that place is packed with downhill runners.
3. Johnny Sugar selects – Japan
To be honest, I have very little vacation experience – I’ve only left the Eastern Time Zone once, and it was to go to Albuquerque – but 30 Minutes Over Tokyo i one of my favorite Simpsons episodes ever, and I’d really like to have a nice meal at America Town, and have a toilet that is honored to accept my waste.
4. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – Southern France
Paris can go fuck itself. The south of France is one of the most beautiful places in the world. Bar none. The riviera, the villas, the beaches, everything. I know you guys are probably expecting me to say, like, Amsterdam or Berlin or some other big party city, but the truth is that if I had the money, I’d rent a car and spend a week driving along the coast, stopping at villages, bistros, and beaches from Marseille to St Tropez to Nice, and then maybe continuing on into Monaco in Italy to make a billion dollars gambling on the Grand Prix. While I’m dreaming, I’d also like a pet white tiger that I can ride around like a horse, as well as a flying robot suit.
5. StuScottBooyahs selects – Bora Bora
This picture tells you everything you need to know.
6. Trevor Risk selects – Nashville
I was raised in the country and live in a city. Nashville is an amalgam of both lifestyles, and hot chicken is the best food ever invented.
7. Sarah Sprague selects – Scotland
We went there last year and without a doubt, it’s the best place I’ve ever been outside of the US. Great hiking until late in the evening since the sun barely goes down in the summer, not just great scotch but great beer that hasn’t been ruined by too many hops (LOOKING AT YOU PACIFIC NORTHWEST), every single meal was of the highest quality meats, dairy and vegetables, people couldn’t have been friendlier and it was just green and blue and relaxing beyond all belief (aside of the driving on the other side of the road thing). Lots of old stuff, and they don’t seem to give a shit you walk all over their old stuff in the middle of some crofter’s land because they’ve got so much old stuff. It’s not even on maps, you just happen to find old stuff off single-track roads on your way to finding your hundredth castle of the afternoon. It is the only place my husband and I talk about going back to nearly every single day.
Oh, and Scottish sheep for some reason are fucking hilarious, like prop comics that show up every two or three minutes.
8. Christmas Ape selects – Costa Rica
Awesome resorts, beaches and a vast array of natural attractions. A quarter of the country is reserved for national parks, so there’s plenty of hiking and outdoor experiences. And the country is about the size of West Virginia, so you won’t be overwhelmed by the options.
9. Eric Sollenberger selects – Galapagos Islands
Went there for my honeymoon and holy shit was it great. Went snorkeling with sea lions who were so friendly that they kept trying to get me to play fetch with them using a sea cucumber.
When you get tired of the beaches and sea turtles you can go to the center of the islands and you’re in a rainforest with gigantic tortoises walking around like dinosaurs and all sorts of other species that are only found on that particular island. Then you can take an afternoon cruise and see killer whales in the wild.
10. Old James selects – the entire country of Mexico
I’m going to Cancun for a wedding this summer, so I’m this picking on pure upside — because hopping across the border by South Padre to drink Dos Equis out of a bucket in a cantina is the only part of Mexico I’ve actually seen, and I don’t think that counts. In fact, I just got part of the way scuba certified a few weekends ago, and am finishing up with my open water dive certification when I’m down there, so if you never hear from me again, vaya con dios.
11. Old James selects – the boundary waters
Negatives: Driving to Minnesota from KC is the worst (fuck off, Iowa).
Positives: There’s no cell phone service, no people, and building a campfire on Fall Lake as the sun set — then sitting around it until the Northern Lights suddenly appeared — was one of the greatest things these eyes have ever seen. Also, I took a shit on Canada. Most literally. Sorry, not sorry.
Trevor: Canada was wondering who took that shit
Old James: I am the danger. I am the one who shits.
Actually, I don’t have a problem with Canada. What I had a problem with was three days worth of freeze dried beef stew needing a new home, and a tree that just so happened to be in Canada looked a little lonely.
12. Eric Sollenberger selects – The Outer Banks of North Carolina after you graduate from high school
Awesome beaches and weather, plus you get to see every girl that you went to high school with in a bikini. After just experiencing a bachelor party at 29 I can say that I am no longer able to party with my 18 year old self anymore.
13. Christmas Ape selects- New Zealand
Went last year for a week and had a tremendous time but I was confined to the North Island. Now I need to go back and see what the South Island has going on, though I was cautioned that it’s for “hardier” travelers.
14. Sarah Sprague selects – Any road trip over six hours
I’ve driven across country probably at least a dozen times in my life and have loved every single trip. Love to drive, love to ride and watch the scenery change, love stopping for random roadside eats, car snacks, special road trip mix tapes/CDs/iPod play lists, love the long car ride conversations, love planning that if stay the night in Springfield we can make it to Albuquerque for late-night burritos and beers, blowing through seven states in a day on the east coast, barely making it through Texas in 24 hours, watching the ocean turn to mountains to high plains and back down again.
Less than six hours? FUCK THIS SHIT I JUST WANT TO GET THERE.
15. Trevor Risk selects – A vacation from reality
Anything that I can do where I can not worry about feeding my cat or answering work emails on my phone while I’m trying to get ankled at the bar. Ideally, it would be like Total Recall, but I’ll settle for just doing a fistful of mushrooms in the woods.
16. StuScottBooyahs selects – Banff, Alberta
Although I hear the locals hate all the tourists that come there. Fuck them, move to some shithole if you don’t like people and you won’t be bothered. You can’t hog all of nature’s majesty to yourself. What about us poor saps stuck in some soulless place like DC?
17. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – Any property owned by a relative of a friend
This was always the best, and it still is today. Your friend says “hey, (relative) asked me if I want to come up to the beach house for a week or so and said I could bring people. Want in?”, you all pile into a too-small car, and then you spend a week getting wasted, eating homecooked food, trying not to destroy any of your friend’s relative’s property, and cleaning up when you inevitably fail to do so. You’re with friends, getting into trouble, getting wasted, looking at the stars, skinny dipping, and shooting the shit. This is where 95% of inside jokes among friends come from. It’s relaxing, fun, and it’s free. I did this a little bit ago with buddies at a farm up in Iowa and it was one of the best weekends I can remember having in recent history.
Sidenote: it’s even better if you’re in a property without internet. Any vacation with friends and without internet is great.
18. Johnny Sugar selects – England
I continue to have no traveling experience whatsoever (or at least none outside of this time zone), but I’d just love to visit a place where everyone has an English accent. The very idea sounds magical.
19. PFT Commenter selects – Panama City Beach, Florida
Dont have to worry about cops hassleing you and theyve got some of the best salvia in the America. Girls there arent stuck up and understand that Im a alpha and theyll sleep with me. All the guys there are cool as hell and name Travis or Chance. Just a all around kickbutt party town.
20. Big Sandy selects – Spain
Warm, good-looking people, amazing food, and lots and lots of booooooze. Again, it’s a no-lose situation.
I want more like this!
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