FACT: 60% of all Easter candy (and 100% of marshmallow peeps) get put into the pantry every year and stay there until next Easter. We here at KSK are combatting that by starting the definitive candy mock draft so that you can plan your Easter purchases accordingly.
With only two rounds completed, there are lots of good ones that we left off. Let us know how dumb we are in the comments please.
1. Trevor Risk selects – Gummy Bears
Can I trade my first and second round picks for more picks in another draft? I know this sounds contrarian, but I don’t like candy. (Ed: FREAK) As a kid I once sold my Easter chocolate back to my mother and used the money to buy a Pulp CD, and every Hallowe’en (Ed: That’s enough Canada out of you Trevor) I’d wait until my siblings ate all their candy and then I’d blackmail them with mine.
Whatever. I’ll take Gummy Bears. I hear they make you elite, and I’ll just take them and give them to Jerry Seinfeld because he didn’t get any that time due to the dude with the pistol licking his fingers every time he ate some.
2. StuScottBooyahs selects – Junior Mints
They’re chocolate. They’re peppermint. They’re delicious!
3. Christmas Ape selects – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
I could eat an entire meal of peanut butter cups, stomach aches and poor nutrition be damned! Not too long ago, Reese’s put out Big Cup, which are like deep dish peanut butter cups. I feared the extra filling might throw off the delicate balance of perfection, but nope, still great.
4. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – Jelly Bellies
If I had Scrooge McDuck money, I’d fill a swimming pool with Jelly Bellies instead of coins. I’d be the happiest goddamn person in the world.
The Top Banana, Peanut Butter, and Popcorn flavors are some bullshit, yeah, but they’re worth picking out. I assume if I had the kind of money where I can afford to fill a pool with jellybeans, I could hire people to pick out the gross ones for me.
5. Johnny Sugar selects – Hershey’s Drops
Specifically, the Cookies & Cream variety. Hershey bars in the form of little bites are basically the best thing ever. I’ve been known to plow through an entire bag of them in about 30 minutes. Hopefully, I’ll get to do this on Easter.
6. Eric Sollenberger selects – Sour Patch Kids
The perfect movie snack. I will straight up pour the sour sugar in my mouth after Ive eaten all the candies too.
Old James: I usually treat my index finger like a Fun Dip stick when dealing with the leftover sour sugar in a bag of Sour Patch Kids. Because I’m a classy grown up, dammit.
7. Big Sandy selects – Milk Duds
So simple, they’re underrated. And I’m very, very lucky to have no dental work right now – like crowns, fillings, etc. – that I can enjoy the necessary chewing work out.
8. Sarah Sprague selects – Yorkie Bars (Raisin & Biscuit)
I’ve never understood why people complain about getting Canadian or British candies here in LA when every corner market, liquor store and even the World Market have huge stashes of Cadbury and Nestle products from abroad. But I digress.
Yorkie bars themselves are just plain chocolate bars but Yorkies with Raisins and Biscuits (small crunchy cookie bits) are like a better Chunky bar without the stupid peanuts. For years their ad campaign and labeling said “Not For Girls” which lead to more than a few lame internet outrages, many of which happened after Yorkie dropped the phrase three years ago. (And of all the things I’m ready to get my knickers in a twist over, a candy bar isn’t one of them. The one time a cashier once said to me, “I don’t know if I can give you this. It says ‘Not For Girls’ on the wrapper,” I quickly reminded him I was all woman and therefore exempt from his shitty joke.)
I dated a Cabury rep for a year and a half. Here are some of the things I learned:
1. Cadbury cream eggs are smaller than they used to be, even thought the company says they aren’t.
2. Hershey and Nestle have grandfather clauses post WWII with America that allows them more territory. It was a way to separate from the British post war for some arbitrary reason.
3. If you take a chocolate bar in Canada, say a Kit Kat and compare it to the same one in America, the American one has wax in it. Partly because of us having stricter food and drug standards. The way it’s justified is that American lobby groups say that it’s warmer in America, so the chocolate would melt on the shelf. It’s about the same logic that it immediately gets colder once you cross the border, because of people not understanding Celsius.
9. PFT Commenter selects – Big League Chew
You look like a real ball player when u chew it. Ever wonder why they dont make chew gum pouches four kids? Cuz even kids know they make u look like a wimp. Big league imo FTW
10. Old James selects – Starburst
You can tell a lot about a person based on their favorite flavor of Starburst. Like, if it isn’t pink, you’re welcome to go sit on a fist.
11. Old James selects – Pop Rocks
You know that thing where a girl goes down on a guy while eating Pop Rocks? I read about it on the Internet too.
12. PFT Commenter selects – The really big Jawbreakers
I carry it around in my cargoes just incase I want a snack. Its great becuz u dont have to eat or chew you just lick it like horses do. Its without a doubt the most NFL candy in the world.
13. Sarah Sprague selects – Toblerone
Toblerone. Not only is it delicious, but the packaging allows you wrap up the end and save some for later.
14. Big Sandy selects – M&M’s
Peanut butter, pretzel, peanut, or plain, they’re all great. Except for mint, that’s just gross.
15. Eric Sollenberger selects- Cadbury Creme Eggs motherfuckers
Orange Creme, Caramel Creme, Chocolate, Peanut Butter. Get some.
16. Johnny Sugar selects – Russel Stover Wedding Cake Eggs
Most of these are hit-or-miss, but holy shit, the wedding cake flavored Russell Stover Eggs are fucking awesome. I’ve had about 50 of them since February, and I want 50 more in my Easter basket. Yes I’m almost 24 and my mom still gives me an Easter basket. Shut up.
1) WHAT? Those sound amazing. I have never seen those anywhere. *Googles* AND CARROT CAKE ONES?
2) That’s what moms do.
3) BIRTHDAY CAKE EGGS
4) THE FUCK THERE ARE CARROT CAKE M&MS OUT THERE.
17. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – Twix
Proof that you don’t need, like, peanuts, shitty nougat, and everything else people seem to want to cram into a poop shape to make a good candy bar. Twix is amazing. Put em in the freezer.
Snickers are the guy fieri of the candy aisle.
18. Christmas Ape selects – Mamba
Like Starburst but chewier. Only drawback is there are only three flavors.
19. StuScottBooyahs selects – Orange Slices
Deceptively named, because they have zero nutritional value.
20. Trevor Risk selects – Nuts ‘n’ gum
Because Trevor is an idiot and doesn’t like candy.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.