Jadeveon Clowney

Jadeveon Clowney is a talented prospect, but he might lack the necessary work ethic to be a productive player in the NFL. This according to a dude who gets paid to watch other people play football.

“Clowney is spoiled,” said the NFL exec who refused to give his name to reporters. “He’s never worked a day in his life. I mean, while he’s out there having his little wussy two-a-day practices, running gassers, carrying tackling sleds across a muddy baseball field, turning 230-poud running backs into smithereens, and benching 400 pounds, I’m dong the real work! Sitting in a room, studying film, and eating white cheddar popcorn, That’s where the fucking action is! There’s no way there’s no way that lazy, coddled little brat could ever handle that shit.” The GM then began to speak in a bizarre mix of Bruce Springsteen and Toby Keith lyrics, and it became increasingly unclear what he was talking about.

NFL GMs are also suspicious of Clowney’s work ethic. The St. Louis Rams hold the second pick, and are considered the favorites to take Clowney, but COO Kevin Dernoff has some strong reservations about Clowney’s character. “I just don’t know if he’s willing to put the work in, said Dernoff, who is the son of high-profile agent Marvin Dernoff. “I mean, I worked hard to get this job. Do you know how much back-breaking work I had to put in to be the son of an extremely influential agent who could give me a cushy job without me having to do anything. I mean, it was really hard outswimming all those other sperm!”

When it was pointed out that in order for Clowney to be here right now, he must have outraced several million sperm himself, Dernoff remained unimpressed. “Nah, my sperm competition was tougher,” Dernoff said. “No way that entitled powderpuff could’ve hung with me in the vas deferens!”

The NFL draft will begin on May 7, when Clowney will likely be one of the first players taken. Until then, Clowney’s work ethic figures to continue to be a pertinent topic of discussion among professional football watchers. Clowney could not be reached for comment, but a close family friend calling himself Schmadeveon Shmowney went on the record, saying “man, I’m really starting to hate white people.”