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First name: Kain

Actual First Name: Theodis

Seriously? Yeah.

Last name: Colter

Position: Quarterback

Position he’ll play if he’s drafted: Wide Receiver

Will he be drafted: Well, he’s been fighting for players’ rights against a flawed system, so Roger Goodell should just love him.

Height: 6′ 0″

Weight: 194 lbs

College: Northwestern

High School: Cherry Creek High School

Year: Senior (graduated)

40 Yard Dash: 4.44

Twitter: @KainColter_2

What his Twitter bio tells us: He’s really into CAPA.

What his tweets tell us: No, seriously. He’s like, REALLY into CAPA.

Cool, can we talk about what unionization means for Northwestern, and indeed, the NCAA, given the landmark ruling handed down by the NLRB to allow athletes on the football team to unionize and push for collective bargaining: No.

But…: Nope.

But pay-for-play: Shut up.

YouTube highlight video: This, uh, this is the closest thing I can find.

What: Yup.

Potential Berman Nickname: Able Kain, Kainned Heat, “Kain You Believe It!?”

Google Image Search: A picture of him as a ginger from NCAA Football ’12.

Accolades: Fought for medical rights for college athletes, guaranteed scholarships, and other essential rights necessary to athletes if college football is to survive.

Which makes him: A distraction.

Nicest Comparison: Antwaan Randle El

Meanest Comparison: Some JERK who is ruining good football for the REST OF US.

Strengths: Speed, threatening as a stand-in QB on gimmick plays, undermining inherent injustices in athletics.

Weaknesses: Small, injury-prone, has better presence in the courtroom than in the pocket.

Where He’ll Go: Law school, probably.

Essential Profile: Has not been written since people are too busy talking about UNIONS.

Impact: Could develop into a talented slot receiver, stepping in as QB on trick plays.

But: Will demand proper medical treatment from the NFL

Which Means: He’ll never, ever be drafted.

Which is: Really sad.