fuck this shit

First name: Cassius (She came around!)

Last name: Kogod

Height: 17.5″

Weight: 4 lbs 5 oz

He’s tiny! And six weeks early, the little pisher.

Position: Long snapper. Or possibly a left handed reliever. I’m thinking safety and job security here.

College: Someplace cheap/free. Possibly online?

High school: Current district is BCC. Subject to change.

Other famous alumni: David Simon, Tommy Davidson, Daniel Stern, ANDY POLLEY.

Year: 2032

Age: 1 week

Shares a birthday with: Sean Taylor, not that I’m ever going to make a big deal of it or anything.

Parents: Unsilent Majority and Sarah Kogod

How they met: Would you believe it if I told you that it was THROUGH THIS VERY WEBSITE?

Siblings: Gonna need some time on that.

Major: Anything but Sociology

What is your problem with Sociology?: Pseudo-science!

40 yard dash: I’d settle for his eyes opening.

Twitter: I’m not Darren Rovell. I’ll give it a couple of weeks.

Potential Berman nicknames: Not a nickname as much as a terrible Howard Cosell impression.

Random image that shows up in Google Image Search: This stock photo, because of references to the Roman senator and the Kogod Cradle.

Nicest comparisons: Sammy Baugh

Meanest comparison: Some ugly baby

Strengths: Loose hips

Weaknesses: Lacks mass

Red flags: Bilirubin

Coveted by: Grandparents

Where he’ll go: Anywhere but the NFC East.

What Nolan Nawrocki is saying: He could have probably played a real position but his dad’s a pussy.

Impact: /shits pants

Top image via NICU