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An eye cracks open.

The suburban hotel room is dark and cold, the curtains drawn. Off in the distance, the rumble of traffic can be heard motoring up the Causeway towards I-10, the lifeline connecting Metairie to the hub of New Orleans. Spring sunlight slats through a crack in the curtains, illuminating the dust that hovers in the decades-old room, kicked around by the air conditioning that’s been on full blast for days.

A hulking figure rolls over, tangled in the stiff sheets of the hotel bed. His one open eye tries to focus in the dim cavern cut by the slice of brightness. He runs a hand through his hair and groans. Across the room, in another bed, a form tosses and turns under the sheets. The hulking figure flops down, closes his eye and exhales.

Finally, mustering the energy to raise himself on his elbows, he sits up and blinks his eyes against the light/dark contrast of the hotel room.

Rob Ryan is finally awake.

Rob: Wooooooo *coughs* That was one hell of a party! I LOVE me some Fat Tuesday!

Rob reaches to the nightstand for his phone, knocking beads, a party hat, and several empty beer bottles off the night stand.

Rob: Hoooooly sheeeeet, boy, did we sleep in!

The lump of being in the other bed stirs and grumbles something inaudible.

Rob: Fuck me, man, it’s already 1 p.m. … on Friday! You hear me man?

The lump of being in the other bed does not move or speak.

Rob: Man, we slept straight through Ash Wednesday and Thursday right into Friday! Holy baloney man! Woooo! Now that’s a party!

Rob scans through his phone.

Rob: Man, look at all these texts from Drew! Poor guy, couldn’t keep up! HAW HAW HAW! Listen to this man! “Hey, guys, I can’t find you at this parade! Look for me, I’m the guy dressed like a puppy! LOL” Man, he looks like a grade A jackass! HAW HAW HAW *cough*

Rob continues to scan his phone while the lump of being in the other bed begins to stir again and moan.

Rob: Holeeee sheeeeet, look at these photos! When the hell did we lose the float?

The lump of being rolls out of the other bed.

Rex Ryan: *grunts while scratching his ass*

Rob: Come on, man! Wooooo! The Shoney’s down the street is open! Let’s DO THIS!

Rex ponders this thought for a moment…

Five minutes later, the Shoney’s in Metairie.

Door flies open

large_rex-ryan-new-york-jets-722

Rex: WOOOOO, BOYS, THE RYAN BROTHERS ARE HUNGOVER AND READY TO BRUNCH THE SHIT OUT OF THIS BUFFET! STACK THE BACON YAY HIGH!

/Scene