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The NFL Competition Committee had a conference call with the media on Wednesday to unveil the various new rule proposals raised by teams. Through an intricate method of deception we’d rather not get into, KSK found itself on that call. Let’s share some of the proposals we heard.

Panthers propose completions to receivers with fewer than 100 career catches are worth 5x as many yards.

The Dallas Cowboys ownership proposes all cheerleaders take off those itchy uniforms.

Redskins propose racism’s dead.

Bengals propose money they save on front office positions should be credited to their salary cap.

49ers propose the league switch from Nike to Old Navy for sideline apparel sponsorship.

Jets propose fur coats as sideline apparel on throwback day.

Raiders propose a “three strikes” policy for fans caught stabbing opposing players.

The Texans propose that rhinestones and pearl buttons be added to uniform numbers.

San Diego proposes P.O.D. become the officially licensed band of the NFL.

Colts propose that quarterbacks are to be ruled down if their horse and buggy gets tipped over.

Steelers propose that the coach is allowed to change on the fly into the game like in hockey, but only when defending kick returns.

The Jaguars propose banning the W-word.

Cardinals propose you can turn on their rolling field during play to pull end zone away from visiting team.

Jets propose a weekly 10-point handicap for any team keeping Mark Sanchez on the roster.

Patriots suggest that teams should be commended for lying on injury reports. Sidelining a player with a pretend injury actually keeps them from getting hurt for real.

Ravens propose changing the ball to a passed out fiancee.

Broncos propose 30 points be awarded if your center snaps the ball so far over your QB’s head it goes through your own uprights. Double that in the Super Bowl.

New York Giants propose mandatory nap and triscuit breaks every quarter.

Tampa Bay proposes that hits to the neck of the QB be considered roughing the passer.

Bears propose no one vaccinates their children, protecting a new generation of future NFLers from possible CTE or measles.

Everyone working for the Browns would like to propose bankruptcy.

Packers propose that blackout rules be changed such that attendance is measured not by seats sold but by combined fan tonnage

Eagles propose that everyone in the world go fuck themselves.