wows

We’ve got a meaty mailbag today, folks. But before we get to the main event — limp dicks, True Detective, infidelity, best man speeches, and the main event promised in the headline — I’d like to point you in the direction of an excellent article on Jezebel called How To Pick Your Life Partner. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t send anyone within a country mile of Jezebel’s horde of humorless commenters, but that article is well worth your time if you happen to be single. Lots of #realtalk.

Now, where were we? Ah yes, suicidal coke-addicted prostitute ex-girlfriends. Let’s dig in.

Cap,
Long way off, but as of right now: do I keep Nick Foles for practically nothing? Yes, right? And I’m not exactly inspired by the Falcons but I feel as if Julio Jones might be worth hanging on to for relatively cheap.

Yes, you should keep them both. I’m not super-bullish on Foles, but 2013 was no fluke. And assuming he’s back to 100%, Jones is likely one of the five best receivers in the league — or if not, he’s at least in the conversation.

As for my personal life: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for four years, since just after college. I love her, and I’d like to get married. I have a good job, and I feel as if I’m ready to just go for it. We’ve talked about getting engaged, and she is adamant that she, too, sees us together. However, she hates her job and works long hours and was unemployed for a few months upon moving to our city, so she just doesn’t feel quite “ready.” It’s a major point of contention for us, because I’m of the opinion there is no perfect time.

I guess I’m looking for consolation? I love her and want to be with her, and I believe she feels the same. Should I be at all worried? Your “timing sometimes doesn’t match” advice is in the back of my mind.
Thanks,
Aren’t girls the ones who are supposed to want to get married this is a long fake name

You’re correct: unless you have the kind of entrenched family wealth that allows for long periods of unemployment by choice, there’s no “perfect” time to get married (and even then you’ll find that no matter WHAT date you pick, someone you love and cherish won’t be able to make it). Four years is plenty long to know that you want to make a life commitment, so you may as well do it now while you’re young and beautiful and Aunt Dora is still alive. If you know you want to get married, why wait to collect those tax breaks?

A hitch, of course, would be if your girlfriend is using her unhappiness with her job as a crutch to put off a big decision she doesn’t want to think about. Or it’s possible that she just needs more time to get comfortable with the idea of a lifelong commitment. Or maybe she just wants some level of professional satisfaction to accompany such a huge personal milestone (not unreasonable).  Talk to her about it — and be sure to frame it as an inquiry about her feelings, not as a means to pressure her into marriage.

One of the hardest things in a happy and equal relationship — at least for me — is taking a step back during a disagreement and looking at things from my wife’s point of view. Not just to hear her out, but to force myself to be empathetic — to think the way she thinks and feel the emotions she’s feeling. Every time I do it, I stop trying to prove that I’m right and instead gain an understanding of where she’s coming from.

I hate it. Empathy BLOWS. (Great for the relationship, though.)

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Ufford,
Football: What do you think about Matt Ryan’s chances to rebound next season? He was pretty great in 2012, and started 2013 strong before everyone around him got hurt.

I’m waiting to see how the Falcons do in free agency and the draft, but I tentatively think he’ll be fine. Ryan was hardly responsible for a team-wide collapse due to injuries, no depth, and a shitty defense.

Relationships: I believe you mentioned that your wife doesn’t care for ‘Justified’ in a recent mailbag.

To be clear: my wife has a 10 o’clock bedtime because she wakes up before dawn to go teach America’s youth. Even if she ignored that or I delayed watching “Justified” a day to see it with her (NOT BLOODY LIKELY), she’d still be five and a half seasons behind me on the show. It was just never gonna be a joint show for us.

My wife and I have been having a similar issue for the past few months – prior to our kids being born, we liked a lot of the same dramatic TV shows (‘Mad Men’, ‘Game of Thrones’, ‘Breaking Bad’, etc.). Post-kids, her tastes are skewing much more toward filler that I don’t care for (‘Project Runway’, ‘The Bachelor’, cooking competitions) while I’m frustrated that she’s unwilling to even try ‘Orphan Black’ or ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’.

Ah, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” is one of the shows we co-watch. We also started “True Detective” together, but she went to bed one night and I binge-watched through episode six without her, which wasn’t cool of me but also I HAD TO WATCH. Anyway, I’ve re-watched with her through episode 4 and have abstained from Episode 7 EVEN THOUGH THE SCAR GUY WAS REVEALED AND I CAN’T READ ANY RECAPS AND MY ENTIRE DAY ON TWITTER IS SPENT HOPING THAT I DON’T SEE SPOILERS. It’s important that we see it together, you know?

[grinds teeth to dust]

I have communicated this frustration directly to her on many occasions (“I would like to try X show, what do you think about watching it tonight?”), while she will just flatly say “No.” Any advice? Aside from this issue, we have a good relationship and communicate well.

And yes, I realize that “we can’t agree on watch to watch after the kids go to bed” is a pretty minor problem to have.
-First World TV Problems

Obviously, I endorse passive-aggressive writing through a sex column, although that may not work for everyone.

Instead of offering up suggestions that she can shoot down, ask her which acclaimed dramatic series SHE wants to watch. If you can get, say, three suggestions from her, you should be able to narrow it down to something you both want to watch. Oh, and try to go with shows that are on Netflix, which makes it easier to binge-watch and — just as important — survive droughts of not watching.

(Also, “Mad Men” and “Game of Thrones” come back next month, so that should solve the problem. However, if she used to like those shows but no longer wants to watch them, she is completely deficient in redeeming qualities and you should divorce her. Any sensible judge will be like, “How can you NOT like ‘Game of Thrones’?” and grant you full custody of the children.)

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Caveman,
Fantasy sports in general.I decided I want to limit my fantasy teams next season. Whats the best way to break up with a league? Is it a dick move to wait until the invitation is sent out and decline?

Yes. As soon as you know the change you want to make, you should let your league know. It’s the same principle as breaking up with a human, only without the benefit of post-breakup sex. And you can do it over email.

It’s not a big deal to leave a league. People are always worried about this, like “Oh these guys take it really seriously” or “They’re gonna ride me hard if I try to leave.” To which I say: IT’S FANTASY FOOTBALL. The element of pretend is right there in the name. It is a generally fun and often competitive distraction, but it’s still just a distraction. Most people can understand if you happen to choose real life over whatever camaraderie your league may have to offer.

Sex. I am happily married, within the past year, to the woman I’ve been with for 5 years. In that time we’ve always had great chemistry and a happy healthy sex life. The wedding and honeymoon were incredible but lately I’ve hit a snag. Be it stress, the terrible cold darkness of winter or some other physiological nuance I got a case of the yips. I lost my mojo. I can’t seem to stand up to the task at night.

Now I’ve had cases of whiskey dick but this seems to be much more mental. I’ve attested it to the added stress of work but every time I come up short in the bedroom I feel the stress notch up one more level.

The wife has been nothing but supportive of the situation the whole time and I have done my best to assure it that it isn’t her but I am growing more and more frustrated by the day (been about a month). I’m in my late 20s, I didn’t foresee this being an issue for awhile.

I’ve even considered using performance enhancing blue pills to get past the mental hang up. Any words of wisdom?
Thanks,
Deadwood

Unfortunately, I don’t know much about this subject because GRRRRR I’M SUPER-VIRILE BONERS ALL THE TIME. So I did some Googling and reading, and you’re one of the 30 million men in America with erectile dysfunction. That’s a lot of flaccid wieners! Of course, most of those cases are old guys whose gross old wangs shouldn’t be having sex anyway, but 5% of those 30 million are men aged 20-39. Of those, a vast majority are the result of psychological hang-ups.

Stress and performance anxiety are cited as two such psychological hang-ups, and it’s easy to reason that those two can work together as a vicious cycle: your work stress causes ED, which causes performance anxiety, which causes more ED, which causes more stress.

Talk to your doctor, and talk to a therapist. Do NOT take dick pills without a prescription — the last thing you want to do is create a physical reliance on a drug for something that’s a mental problem.

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Dear KSK,
No (US) football questions. Futbol guy here. Although your blog has gotten me into watching football and you guys/commenters are hilarious.

You’re welcome! Go World Cup!

Anyways! I’m 25 and single, not looking for a relationship in particular. Well I went on a ski trip with old friends from college and an ex I dated while I was a freshman came along. She’s by far the hottest girl I’ve dated, but dumb 19 year old me thought there’s plenty more around! Nope. Anyway we talked a good amount, some flirting, generally nice conversations. Reminiscing/etc. we’ve both matured obviously and I really enjoyed her company. So I bitched out and didn’t ask for her number and ended up using fb (I know).

No shame there. That’s precisely what I did when I met my future wife. She wasn’t impressed, but whatever, I was leaving the party. I didn’t have 25 seconds to enter her number in my phone. Looking her up on Facebook was easier, and I stand by the decision.

She hasn’t responded but I’m really into her (I’m not desperate just know what I like). I still have her number though. I realize I’m probably out of the ball park, but is there any way I can salvage this?
Best regards,
BigPuss

Wait, why would you ask for her number WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE HER NUMBER? Just call her. Or text her, I guess. Whatever it is you kids use these days, with your hand computers and the Snackchat and whatnot.

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Hi,
I’m a late 30s male. In my early 20s I got involved in a longterm relationship with a girl. We were together as BF-GF through most of my 20s, except for a few breaks that aren’t unusual for people in their 20s. In hindsight, the last of those breaks should probably have been our final break-up, but it wasn’t. We got married right around when I turned 30. We were never really unhappy, per se, but it gradually became clear to me that even though she’s a great girl we probably shouldn’t have gotten married. To simplify things, we were friends more than we were spouses. We tried fixing things, but to no avail.

Finally, about five years ago I broke up with her–we didn’t have any kids, so I figured that it was time, so that she would have time to meet someone else and have kids if that’s what she wanted (while we were together, we were both on the fence about having kids). She was devastated, which I know from both first-hand and second-hand knowledge. We’re divorced now and have minimal contact, aside from my spousal support payments (which I have no problem with–she earned ‘em). I’m now with a wonderful woman who I will be with for the rest of my life. I’m not sure whether my ex is with anyone else or how she’s doing, generally, and it isn’t really my business. I wish life was like TV where people can fairly easily stay friends with their ex, but that’s rare.

So, what’s the problem? Well, throughout most of my relationship with my ex I was, in the words of a better known sex advice columnist (sorry not sorry), a “cheating piece of shit.”

Let me see if I have this right.

“Dear KSK, I’m writing because I’d like your advice with a problem I have. Here’s an unnecessary dig at your lack of fame. Sorry not sorry!”

You sound awesome. I’ll definitely give you my best effort.

For what it’s worth (not much), my cheating was purely physical and wasn’t emotional. When I left my ex I didn’t come clean about my infidelity. I figured (rationalized?) that my cheating was the symptom but not the cause of our break-up and that admitting to her that I was unfaithful would just have caused her more anguish. I now realize that I was wrong to not confess–it would probably have given her a better sense of closure and probably would have enabled her to get over our relationship faster and better. I’m pretty sure that it’s too late to confess to her now, as it would likely just open up old wounds, but I’ll take your advice on that. But regardless of whether or not you think I should tell her, is there any way that I can get over how I feel about myself and my past behaviour? Do I even deserve to get over it? Or will I just always have a little twinge of guilt about what an asshole I used to be?

Thanks,
John Cocktosten

P.S. My current girl knows all about my past behaviour, and there’s no chance that I’ll ever cheat on her, so that’s not an issue.

I don’t think you help your ex by confessing your infidelity. That’s your burden to wear, and you deserve it.

If you’re the kind of person who just “gets over” your past cruelties, you’re probably a psychopath (REMINDER: I have no qualifications to write this column, and never even took a psychology course in college). Guilt is useful. Take your mistakes and re-channel that guilt into treating your new woman with the love, respect, and fidelity that your first wife deserved. And if you always have that twinge of guilt, good. Let it be a reminder to do something nice for your partner.

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The Captain,
Fantasy:vI know your thoughts on two-starting QB leagues, but what are your thoughts on the “super-flex,” where you can choose a QB/RB/WR/TE?

Same thing with a different name. Ryan Tannehill had more fantasy points in 2013 than Josh Gordon, Calvin Johnson, Demaryius Thomas, and Jimmy Graham. Given the choice at flex, what chucklefuck starts any other position over a QB?

Our league has 12 teams, so this would be a pretty terrible idea, right?

Yes.

Also, hypothetically, how do you convince a commissioner of a 12 team league that this is a bad idea?

Most fantasy scoring systems inherently make QB the highest scoring position, and that’s fine. It’s sensible, even: the quarterback is generally the most valuable player on any given team. In a 12-team league with one QB slot, there’s plenty of room for every team to have a starting QB of some value and at least one backup in case the starter gets injured or has a bye.

Now add the QB to the flex. Seeing as how the 16th most valuable quarterback last year scored more points than the best receiver and the best tight end, you’d have to be a fantastically stupid player not to grab quarterbacks immediately, since they’re both the most valuable and the least plentiful (all teams have several wide receivers and multiple running backs that see playing time, but none have “multiple quarterbacks” built into the game plan).

So everyone starts two quarterbacks, meaning your league-mates are starting Ryan Fitzpatrick or Chad Henne because they put up more points than, say, Gio Bernard. And then Week 9 rolls around, six teams are on bye, and 24 of 26 starting quarterbacks get a start in your league because Scott Tolzien is a safer play than Golden Tate.

If that’s the kind of bullshit your dumbfuck commissioner wants, I can’t help you.

Not really sex: My buddy gets married later this summer and I’m the best man. This is fine but I’m not a good public speaker, so I should probably have something pretty solid in advance. So, how do you make a good best man speech? Like, I can Google the elements of a “good” best man speech, but, from the perspective of a guy that’s gotten married and probably attended many other weddings, what really makes a good best man speech?
Thanks,
Santos L. Halper

Rules for a best man speech:

1. Don’t be drunk.

2. Keep it short.

3. Funny is good, sincere is better. Not everyone’s gifted with a comedic touch, but we’re all capable of heartfelt emotion.

4. Focus on the bride and groom’s relationship, not your friendship with the groom.

5. Begin by welcoming everyone and thanking whoever’s paying for the party.

That’s pretty much it. You’re just a cog in a party, not inspiring Scots before the Battle of Stirling.

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To the Captain of Cavemen,
Fantasy first, of course: I’ll try to keep this short, because the second section will be remarkably long no doubt. I’m in a keeper league where we are not penalized for keeping a play no matter the round. I have a couple of guys that are viable for keeping, but can only keep two. My choices are Calvin Johnson, Josh Gordon, Gio Bernard, and Muscle Hamster. I know I should really keep the two WRs because they’re the best in the league, but the thought of not keeping a RB in a league where most are going to be kept sketches me out. What’s the best course of action.

Keep the awesome wide receivers. The running backs are just gonna get injured anyway.

Crazy, Crazy, Relationships: Ok, I’ll try to make this succinct as possible. I dated Young Lady A for about four and a half years, during college and for a little while after. Our relationship was, for the most part, good. Eventually I broke up with her, ostensibly due to not wanting to be in a long distance relationship, but also because I wanted to ‘sow my wild oats’ as I believe the kids are saying these days.

In comes Young Lady B. She’s great and we’ve dated casually for a while now. After a probing period,

heh heh sex

I’ve found that I like her quite a bit, and I feel the that the feelings are mutual. After about 3 months of a very casual relationship, I feel I’m ready to move things on to another level. Of course, there’s a problem with Young Lady A, who’s never truly gotten over me and is now veering into depression/insanity. She’s become an escort (read: prostitute) and cocaine addict who texts me maybe once a month that she is going to kill herself, and in fact has been hospitalized for slit wrists, among other things.

Wait, what “other things”? Other suicide attempts? Other drug use? Other insanity? This is NOT the time to get vague.

When she’s not doing that, she’s sending me naked pictures of herself

alright alright

or insinuating that we’re going to get married eventually,

alri-nooooo

even when I’m with Young Lady B. Basically, I need an out. How do I push Young Lady A away without being the straw that broke the camel’s back. Obviously, I do not want her to kill herself, nor a suicide on my conscience. And after that, how do I bring up this insane back story of my life with Young Lady B? I’m sorry to saddle you with this, but I just am not sure how to handle a situation of this magnitude.
Sincerely,
Am I screwed? I’m screwed, aren’t I?

First and foremost, you’re not responsible for YLA’s life. If she genuinely wants to kill herself, she’ll find a way to do it. You’re not responsible for her just because you used to date or because you broke up with her.

Obviously, she needs serious psychiatric help and perhaps prolonged hospitalization. You can and should recommend that to her — and more importantly, to her friends and family — but you’re not going to help yourself (or your new relationship) by getting more involved in YLA’s life.

You need to be kind but firm in extracting yourself from her life. Psychology Today suggests something like this:

I’m not breaking up with you to be cruel. I’m very, very sorry that this hurts you. I want what’s best for you in the future, but I just can’t be part of it. And even if I were to stay with you, that wouldn’t solve our problems.

For one thing, your life’s worth should be based on much more than just being in a relationship with me. Secondly, I know that you know deep inside that our relationship shouldn’t be based on me staying because I’m afraid of you dying and you staying because you think you can’t live without me. That’s not healthy. I care about you. And because I care about you, I want you to live. And I want you to find your own happiness, and your own life’s worth, without me.

Now regarding Young Lady B: tell her everything. Right away. “You know how people joke about crazy exes? Well, mine is a suicidal coke-addicted prostitute. Um, I should mention that all those things happened AFTER I broke up with her.” Explain to YLB that you care about her and want a relationship with her, and that you’re doing everything you can to get YLA out of your life without, you know, her dying. It will make her a little more sympathetic to you the next time you’re like, “Whoops, another picture of tits from the hooker I dated!”