— The Dolphins signed Brent Grimes to a four-year deal for $32 million with $16 million guaranteed. That buys a lot of blowjob cake. Or even actual blowjobs.
— Colin Kaepernick reportedly wants $18 million per year. That’s sure to inspire a host of NFL writer hot takes, but given that it’s not much more than what Cutty makes per year, probably not an unreasonable request. But he’ll just spend it all on tattoos and fancy headphones!
— Time Warner Cable sent its customers in Los Angeles who experienced a blackout during the Super Bowl $5 Target gift cards. Yes, a very touching gesture to give a piddling discount to a corporate partner that is mostly just an enticement to spend more money.
— The Redskins placed the franchise tag on Brian Orakpo after a few days in which it was unclear whether he’d be allowed to hit the free agent market. So Washington retains one of the two or three decent players they have on defense. ALL JIM HASLETT NEEDS TO DOMINATE.
— Michael Strahan wants to his Hall of Fame bust to show the big gap in his teeth. That can probably be arranged, though hopefully the bust also includes the spelled out way he says “YOU-ESS-SSSSAY FOOTBAHH” in that NFL safety commercial.
— Anquan Boldin re-signed with the 49ers for two years for $12 million with $9 million guaranteed. He turns 34 in October so might be his last multi-year deal, but then Boldin is nothing if not indestructible, so who knows for sure.
I want more like this!
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