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First name: Jonathan

Middle name: Paul

Last name: Manziel

Height: 5’11 3/4″

Weight: 207 lbs

Position: Quarterback

Not supposed to be: Your kid’s role model, man.

College: Texas A&M

High school: Tivy High School

Other famous alumni: No.

Year: Redshirt sophomore

Age: 21

Parents: Paul and Michelle

Hetero life partner: Uncle Nate

Major: Sports management

Because it could benefit his career? Because of Entourage.

40 yard dash: 4.68

Twitter: @JManziel2

What his Twitter bio tells us: OH MY GOD I GOOGLED IT AND IT’S THE NAME OF A DRAKE ALBUM.

What his tweets tell us: SHUT THE FUCK UP, HIS TWITTER BIO IS A DRAKE ALBUM

Terrible song that accompanies his YouTube highlight video: Worst Behavior

Jesus, that’s terrible. Who is it? DRAKE

I didn’t know Canadians were allowed to use the n-word: None of us did.

Potential Berman nicknames: Juan Futbol

Google Image Search results: Titties, LeBron, Shirtlessness, Rick Ross, Duck Dynasty, bottle service, Gronk, and flashing cash with Uncle Nate

Related Google Image Searches: Girlfriend, Party, Money and Tattoo

Might as well be: Undraftable, Red Flag, Not the guy you want as the face of your franchise.

Red Flags: See Image Search, Google.

Accolades: Won the Heisman Trophy

What does did with the Heisman Trophy: Positions it to make it look like an erection.

Nicest comparisons: Brett Favre

Meanest comparison: The Drake of football.

“Would be headed for the CFL if it wasn’t for him” comparison: Doug Flutie

Strengths: 360 dunking, NBA Finals ticket hook up having, slayer of pussy.

Weaknesses: Undersized glory boy.

All of Which makes him: A bit of a dick, probably.

Coveted by: Jerry Jones

Where he’ll go: Dallas

Dallas? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Essential profile: Wright Thompson’s

Relevant nugget: May have a drinking problem.

What Nolan Nawrocki is saying: Boys will be boys.

Impact: Ratings. Like, missing airplane ratings.