Smoking Jay Catler

No longer satisfied to be relegated to cheerleading and halftime shows at the Puppy Bowl, the women of the Lingerie League kitties have stormed off and started a league of their own in the inaugural Kitten Bowl airing on the Hallmark Channel today. Surprisingly to Bears fans, Jay Catler seems to have made the team.

What goes into a Kitten Bowl, other than perfectly legal and sanctioned catnip? Apparently all the usual elements of the Super Bowl experience; lasers, tunnels, jumps and regional celebrities, North Shore Animal League spokesperson Beth Stern and Yankees announcer John Sterling.

Some roster highlights:

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Hopefully healthy enough to have a better performance than he did in his fifth life during Super Bowl XXXIX. Fortunately, this kitty has a home and is not looking to sign with a team for the 2014 season.

dandy-dalton-bengals

Ginger cat. Crossing its path means five more straight playoff losses.

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Halfcat? That’s not a position. That’s called a sphinx.

meowshawn-lynch-bengals-finalEasily distracted tasting the rainbow, an actual beast. If Meowshawn were to kill another creature on the field, no one would bat an eye because it’s the Kitten Bowl and that’s what cats do. They kill things. Lots of things. Devastating the American songbird population levels to the tune of 1.3 billion – 4 billion birds a year.

But it’s cool. They’re cats.

tim-teepaw-bengalsAfter one great postseason highlight, will washout and return the sandbox league to broadcast games of even younger kitties.

brett-furve-lions

“Demeanor: Uncertain.” Listen Hallmark Channel, we write the retirement jokes around here.

tabby-romo-lions“Position: Paw Tripper” Seven years, seven lives later and Cowboy fans cannot escape the cruel ending to the 2006-2007 season.

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Never mind, still funny.

feline-manning-felinesObviously the authentic Feline Manning Kitten Bowl collars for sale on eBay after the game will probably be forgeries.

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JAY CATLER! JAY CATLER! JAY CATLER! THE HALLMARK CHANNEL READS KSK AND WE WILL NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING OTHERWISE.

troy-paw-lamalau-felinesStone. Cold. Killers. Naming a cat after one of the NFL’s most brutal safeties ever to play in the league does not seem fair. This kitty should be called “Death from above, below and sideways.”

tomcat-brady-cougarsTomcat Brady seems like a cold condemnation of a certain New England quarterback’s fathering habits. Steve Zolak should ask for a full apology.

calico-purress-cougarsHallmark was truthful. They said there would be pole events during the Kitten Bowl.

The Kitten Bowl will kickoff their three hour event at 12 ET, 9 AM PT on the Hallmark Channel. The Puppy Bowl X starts 4 PM ET/ 1 PM PT on the Discovery Channel.