Ever since Peezy left the game, the game went soft. Coincidence? I think not. There’s been an overall pussification in the NFL over the last few years and it’s time to unpussify this bitch. Now that the Seahawks just won a Super Bowl by beating that ass and talkin’ loud, the copycats in the copycat league are hard at work trying to bring a mean streak back to they defense. That’s why the Steelers said, “Ay Peezy, remember us? You gotta show these kids how to scrap like them olden days.” And that’s good, ’cause Peezy got bills and shit.
So them Steelers brought Peezy back to teach they defense how to line up opposite the other team and when the time is right, to FIX THEY MOUF.
Peezy teach what Peezy know, and that’s linebackin’ on the outside. Right now, because of financials and politics and some other shit, Pittsburgh only got one guy they know gonna be back next year at that position, so Peezy gonna focus on him. PEEZY AIN’T ABOUT TO COACH UP NOBODY HEADIN’ OUT THE DOOR. THAT’S TIME MISMANAGEMENT!
Jarvis Jones, it’s yo’ lucky day. Peezy gonna take you under his wing and turn you into a ice-cold killer. Wait, what the fuck you doin’ eating all them French Fry sandwiches? Don’t you know we about to DECLARE WAR on this league?
Jarvis Jones: Oh hey, Joey.
Peezy: DON’T “HEY” ME, MOTHERFUCKER. HOW MANY SACKS YOU GET LAST YEAR? YOU BEST BEEN LEADING THE LEAGUE IF YOU SLACKING OFF LIKE THIS.
Peezy: One sack? Like, one sack all season? You a first-round pick, Cookie Jarvis. I used to put on my half-shirt and drop the QB more times than that before kickoff. FIX YO STATS. Alright, how many times you jump on the other team bus and challenge they best player to fight to the death?
Jarvis: Uh, why would I do that?
Peezy: Why? WHY NOT? WHY EVEN PAD UP? SON, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO PLAY FOOTBALL NOT BE A PROFESSIONAL DOGWALKER OF THE QUARTERBACK INTO YOUR OWN END ZONE.
Jarvis: What about walking dogs?
Peezy: A DOG’S A DOG FOR LIFE. ARF! ARF! At least tell me you got a couple vicious-ass pit bulls that ready to kill for you whether you ask them to or not.
Jarvis: I have a labradoodle named Sophie. She’s the sweetest thing.
Peezy: Ay yo, it brings me no joy to say this, but you might be the unpeeziest man to ever live. It’s gonna take a whole off-season to get your killing game even close to where it should be. Get up and get your stuff. Let’s go. We gonna get you shot in the ass before the end of the night. It’ll get your mind right. Like Peezy always say, you ain’t about that football life until you take one in ass in an unrelated bar altercation!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.