Hello, I’m Jack Burkman, prominent Republican lobbyist and frequent Fox News guest when they need SOMEONE to fight off the tsunami of pinko commie liberal queer bullshit that threatens to DESTROY our proud nation. You might have heard that I’m preparing legislation that would ban gay athletes from joining the NFL. But I’d like to expound a little bit on that report, which snipped about 72 pages of my press release. As usual, you can’t rely on the LAMESTREAM MEDIA to focus on the things that I want them to focus on.

Burkman in a statement said he has garnered political support for the bill, though his statement didn’t mention any specific lawmakers who are behind it.

This is true. I have LOADS of lawmakers who will back this bill. Now, I can’t officially name any of them. They’re afraid of being persecuted by the media. They’re afraid of having their careers ruined, their reputations forever tarnished, and their families forever turned against them. That’s why they have to keep that side of themselves hidden from view, tucking their support of traditional American values away from the judgmental eyes of the public. Can you imagine how hard it is to have this secret life, and to have to bottle up your feelings and be in constant fear of being found out?

“We are losing our decency as a nation,” Burkman said in a statement. “Imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man. That’s a horrifying prospect for every mom in the country. What in the world has this nation come to?”

Amen. At least the reporter didn’t fuck up this quote. But he didn’t include everything else I had to say. Think about the mom from Anytown USA who finds out that her son got a tug from a teammate in the shower even though she knows he’s not gay? How difficult that must be for her, to have to go through threatening her son with disownment unless he goes to get electroshock treatments to “zap Satan out” as my Aunt Mabel once said.

And what kind of country is this where we can’t shower in a locker room, lathering each other up, rubbing the sweat and grime from each other’s perfectly chiseled pecks, without worrying that some queer is going to get off to it later?

Some people asked why I am bringing this up now. Well, I think you know why:

Burkman said he came up with the idea after college football star Michael Sam publicly revealed he is gay a few weeks ago. If drafted, Sam would be the first openly gay player in the NFL. Jason Collins on Sunday became the first openly gay athlete to play for a major men’s professional sports team when he suited up for the NBA’s Brooklyn Nets against the Los Angeles Lakers.

QUEERS. GODDAMN QUEERS EVERYWHERE. IT’S A QUEER-POCALYPSE, STARRING MORGAN FREEMAN AND EVERYTHING.

By God, if someone doesn’t stand up to this nonsense, we’re going to wake up one day and find that all the i’s in the Constitution have been dotted with gay little hearts.

A number of Democratic lawmakers voiced their support of Sam after he revealed his sexual orientation in an interview with ESPN, and first lady Michelle Obama hailed him as an “inspiration.”

TYPICAL DEMS. You know what’s inspiring? A Desert Eagle with the stars and stripes painted on the side of it shoved down a gook’s mouth. This is just some queer looking to start his own gay pride parade.

Burkman was not available to speak with The Hill but urged Congress to act in his statement. “If the NFL has no morals and no values, then Congress must find values for it,” Burkman said.

The NFL keeps telling me that they have values, but the problem is they don’t have MY values. Why aren’t white players required to carry firearms at all times for protection in a league filled with thugs? Why are women sideline reporters shielded from standard locker room rookie hazing practices? This league is bereft of moral principles.

I’m worried for this nation, folks. That’s why I’m introducing this legislation. It’s time to return America to its traditional straight white male values, which have worked for straight white males for a very long time. Why change now?

Burkman’s firm, JM Burkman & Associates, signed 70 new clients last year, the most of any K Street firm, a recent review by The Hill found. The four-lobbyist firm specializes in helping companies secure contracts with the federal government.

AND BANNING QUEERS FROM PUBLIC LIFE. Don’t forget that important part of our repertoire.