pkmannys

When last we left weather gripeologist, Peter King, he was telling the world that Josh McDaniels should get more credit for the Broncos making it to the Super Bowl. Now that they’ve shit the bed, that actually kind of makes a little more sense. But what about this week? Does PK admit that Peyton was horrible? He actually does! There’s a good porker! Don’t worry, though, there’s still plenty of other awful stuff that more than makes up for it. READ ON.

An hour after the lopsided Super Bowl conquest no one east of Yakima saw coming

Peter King starting his column by stealing Chris Berman’s schtick. I’m already sick.

Pete Carroll was bounding across the MetLife Stadium turf, holding wife Glena’s hand, surrounded by four or five cameras and as many security people, going from one on-field interview to the next. I was in this you’d-better-get-out-of-the-way-or-you’ll-get-flattened pack, asking Carroll about his team and the beatdown.

It’s right there in the law. If you happen to be trampled by a media throng, you’re at fault. Just something to keep in mind the next time you see a Super Bowl winning coach coming through with remora-like reporters in tow.

But something stuck in my mind, and I had to ask this first.

“Pete! PETE! On a scale of quasi to uber, how precocious is Russell Wilson?”

Carroll’s Seahawks practice to the constant and very loud drone of music, hip-hop and rap mostly.

“THE PERFECT SONG TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE THUGS. PETE CARROLL KNOWS HOW TO GET THE BEST OUT OF THESE BARBARIANS”

Early in the week, Carroll will sneak in a James Brown or Earth, Wind and Fire tune from his youth, or maybe Michael Jackson. But by Friday, it was mostly unrecognizable to this 56-year-old Springsteen and U2 fan. Luckily, I had Shazam, that app that allows you to hold up your phone when a song is playing, to learn what it is.

Among what was played, I’m guessing at about 90 decibels, for the entirety of Friday’s practice: “Fast Lane,” by Bad Meets Evil, “More Bounce to the Ounce,” by Zapp, “We Own It,” by 2 Chainz, “Last of a Dying Breed,” by Ludacris, “We Ready,” by Archie Eversole, “Ambitionz Az a Ridah,” by Tupac, and “Hold Me Back,” by Rick Ross.

More than anything, Pete Carroll appreciates Rick Ross’ frequent references to the Illuminati.

For those who think music is counter-productive, that you need to have teaching moments at a football practice without having to shout over music, and that players switching jerseys for no good reason (Marshawn Lynch was swimming in tackle Breno Giacomini’s jersey Friday) is a distraction, I have one score to point out:

Seattle 43, Denver 8.

Take THAT, enemies of music.

Not only is it such a Peter King thing to cite music being played in practice as the difference maker following a 35-point demolition, but it’s also a PK thing to betray his own beliefs to praise someone who just won. After all, cracking down on music playing and horseplay is the just the kind of thing that made PK fall in love with SCHIANO MEN and THE GREAT SCHIANO WAY.

This defense had it all. We came in praising the secondary endlessly, and the secondary played great, putting a halo of punishment on almost every Denver reception. By that, I mean every play, no matter what the route or who the receiver was, had two or three defenders pouncing within a milisecond of the catch. Clearly, Denver offensive coordinator Adam Gase should have called some double moves, or more deep stuff to try to clear out the middle of the field. Seattle was so on top of everything Manning did.

What’s that? I spent two weeks reading about how Adam Gase was the most crafty of all the Manning coattail riders. What of the ingenious play where the tight end was actually a running back!? Did he only not run that out of a sense of pity for the overmatched Seahawks?

Much will be written and said about this game concerning Manning’s continued inability on the biggest of stages not to preform. There was certainly some of that: I detail later in the column how I thought he made some terrible decisions, especially on the final drive of the first half, when Denver was trying desperately to find some spark. So blame Manning. He deserves a good bit of it, especially when he aims a throw that was a poor decision that ends up being intercepted by Kam Chancellor.

Yes

YESSSSSSSSSSSS

TELL ME MORE HOW HE FAILED.

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But there were so many unstoppable rushers for Seattle, but none more than Cliff Avril, the former Lion. He had just a so-so first season with the Seahawks, but he made an amateur out of Denver right tackle Orlando Franklin. He had three big plays in the first half, including two heavy pressures on Manning that aided both interceptions. I was one of the 16 voters for the MVP last night. I voted for Avril. It could have gone to many. I wish I could have penciled in “Seattle Defense.” Because collectively, that truly was the MVP of this Super Bowl.

PK’s not necessarily wrong here. Nevertheless, PK voting for an 11-way tie for an individual award is so, so Petey.

Scary thought for the rest of the NFL. A young quarterback who is afraid of nothing and a young defense that just played a game like the ’85 Bears. Indeed, Seattle is not done.

Bold stance the day after a team wins the Super Bowl.

On this night, not the Mann.

Wait, what about Michael Mann? Oh, you’re trying to be clever. Adorable.

A bitter disappointment for Peyton Manning, obviously. And when Manning looks back on the tape from this game, he’ll be sick. The unforced errors, starting with the first snap of the game. The mistakes he made in identifying the open receivers. The forced throws. He didn’t have much help—he was pressured from start to end—but he tried too hard to make plays that very often weren’t there.

YESSSSS MORE ABOUT THE UNFORCED ERRORS MORE MORE

SPEAK TO ME ABOUT THE GREATEST QUARTERBACKING SEASON EVER

I didn’t see Manning after the game

“I couldn’t bear to see him in defeat. I didn’t want my next masturbation session to be to that image of him.”

but Mark Mravic of The MMQB did. He reported:

It was a grim and tight-lipped Manning who stepped to the podium for his obligatory postgame session with the media in blue pin-striped suit and maroon tie with silver stripes. In front of several dozen reporters, boom mics and cameras, he sat looking as perplexed by what had happened on the field as the 80,000 in MetLife Stadium and the 100 million watching at home. Manning’s answers were perfunctory and unenlightening. In truth, he had no answers. And he did not crack a smile. This was a bitter veteran professional doing his league-mandated duty, looking as if he’d rather be anywhere else. You could tell this hurt.

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Truther of the Week.

Pete Carroll!

Weirdest moment of the night: A 9/11 “truther,” Matthew Mills, 30, of Brooklyn, walked up to the side of the podium where Super Bowl MVP Malcolm Smith had just begun to live his moment in the sun.

So… not Pete Carroll? Way to get upstaged on the night you won a Super Bowl by another member of the Truther community. Great truthy hustle, Mr. Mills.

Ten things you need to know about the Hall of Fame vote.

The first five: I GET TO DO IT AND YOU DON’T!
The last five: YOU DON’T THANK ME ENOUGH FOR THIS THING YOU DON’T GET TO DO!

Finally, I supported Ray Guy. Big upset. It even surprised me a little bit.

Way to pat yourself on the back for finally allowing yourself to be convinced that you were wrong for years and years. Even his fuckups are triumphs!

I just think as a voter (and a person)

Very healthy when someone cites their HOF voting privileges before their humanity.

it’s important to be open-minded.

“EXCEPT ABOUT SNOW GAMES AND UPPITY BLACK QUARTERBACKS!”

I do go into these meetings open-minded, and I heard a few different reasons this year, some of them quantifying things like hang-time and inside-the-20 punts more clearly than they had in the past, and his peers, on and off the record, were so unwavering in their support that I thought, “Maybe I’m wrong.” I still have some grave questions—Shane Lechler’s inside-the-20 average, for instance, is far better—but I do understand you compare guys to players in their era. So good for Ray Guy. I’m happy he finally achieves the dream.

Because if he had achieved it before Peter had been convinced of his worthiness, he would have pitched a fucking fit about what a disservice had been done to the sport.

My sense of the best new candidates for 2015: Junior Seau, Orlando Pace, Kurt Warner. Warner’s candidacy will be very interesting because he was a Super Bowl quarterback for two franchises—and very nearly a Super Bowl winner for two franchises.

So what you’re saying is Peyton Manning will be a borderline candidate?

We met for 8 hours, 59 minutes. That’s an hour or so longer than usual. Longest debates were on Dungy (47 minutes)

45 of which was Peter lying face down on the table, pounding his fists and yelling, “YOU WILL INDUCT THE DUNGE! HE’S MY FRIEND! INDUCT MY FRIEND! INDUCT MY FRIEND!” The other two were him taking coffee sip breaks.

Death of a legend

It’s the day after the Super Bowl and all, and I understand everyone’s in a football frame of mind. But the death of 46-year-old Philip Seymour Hoffman deserves your attention.

Oh my! Philip Seymour Hoffman died? I hadn’t heard this from a myriad of news sources yesterday. Thankfully a middle aged sportwriter was able to clue me in on this tragedy a day later.

My five favorite Hoffman films follow. Keep in mind I haven’t seen all of his movies (Along Came Polly is one I must see):

ONE CAN NEVER JUDGE THE PSH OEUVRE WITHOUT SEEING ALONG CAME POLLY

Fine Fifteen

3. Denver (15-4). A few words come to mind. Most apt: embarrassing.

Name five words more apt. You can’t.

4. New England (13-5). This is not just because I shared a podium with him Saturday night in Manhattan, but the Patriots need to sign free-agent wide receiver Julian Edelman.

What other reason would a franchise need to invest millions in a receiver other than he’s been namedropped by some media sludge? Surely GMs just read MMQB and exclaim, “Bring me this cornerback who knows the difference between a fine latte and coffee-flavored water. I’ll pay any price!”

11. Kansas City (11-6). Smart thing to be trying to sign Alex Smith long-term.

Good thing to be writering sentences with the nice syntax.

The Award Section

Goats of the Week

Peyton Manning, quarterback, Denver.

Marvelous.

Manning was suffocated from the second series on, but he threw a terrible interception to Kam Chancellor, then, instead of pulling the ball down and taking a sack, attempted an ill-conceived throw that was picked and returned for a touchdown. Late in the first half, he made two awful decisions on a series he had to convert into points and got nothing. Yes, Manning was inundated, and his receivers had little room to breathe all night. But he played poorly too. And at 38 on opening day next year, he will still be stuck on one Super Bowl win.

Which really doesn’t diminish Peyton in any meaningful way, but it’s still fun to watch PK have to badmouth his crush.

John Fox, head coach, Denver. With 10:46 left in the third quarter, and Denver trailing 29-0 at the Seattle 39-yard line facing a 4th-and-11, John Fox sent out the punt team. I realize the Broncos were not winning anything by that point, but throwing the white flag with 26 minutes left in a four-score game with Peyton Manning your quarterback? Wow. I thought that was a terrible call.

That was great. It was like John Fox putting his signature on a tour de force of incompetence.

Quotes of the Week

“It’s just a big horse off my back. I was finally able to give my team something for four quarters.”

—Seattle’s Percy Harvin, who, for the first time in 15 months, finished a game he started Sunday. He contributed 137 all-purpose yards and a touchdown to the 43-8 victory. You can see his comments to the right.

I believe it’s monkey in the idiom but I like that he tailored it for a horsey team.

“New Jersey sucks! New Jersey sucks!”

—Angry train riders at the New Jersey Transit station in Secaucus, N.J., stuck in one- to two-hour waits for a train, in overcrowded hallways, to get to MetLife Stadium.

Show some professionalism, you guys, please. JERSEY SUCKS is a much more concise and powerful chant.

Stats of the Week

MetLife Stadium and the Westin Hotel Jersey City have been very, very good to the Seattle Seahawks.

This should be fun.

Three times in the last three seasons—before playing the Giants in 2011, before playing the Giants again in 2013, and before playing this Super Bowl—the Seahawks stayed in the relatively new hotel eight miles from MetLife Stadium. Seattle won the three games, 36-25, 23-0 and 43-8.

Score: Seattle 104, Foes 33.
Seattle intercepted Eli and Peyton Manning 10 times in the three games, and was intercepted twice.
Seattle forced 14 turnovers in the three games and turned it over four times.

Finally, the lodging insight no other reporter can bring. Whereas the other scribes search frantically for what might put one team over the top, Peter knew it all along (though didn’t mention it until after the game) and that’s why he’s the best in The Biz. The Westin turndown service can make champions of anyone and it takes a veteran travel bitcher to see that.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Political Bedfellows of the Week:

Mitt Romney and Dick Cheney watched the Super Bowl in Jets owner Woody Johnson’s suite.

Two prominent Republicans watching a Super Bowl in the luxury box of a well-known donor to the Republican Party? WEIRD!

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

Distance from New York Giants’ practice facility in East Rutherford, N.J. (where I covered Seahawks practice as a pool reporter Friday), to West 27th Street in Manhattan (where I hosted an event Friday evening): 8.4 miles.

Time it took me to drive the 8.4 miles Friday at 4:37 p.m.: 1 hour, 53 minutes.

INSANITY!!!!!!!

Oh wait, I meant typical early Friday rush hour traffic and holy shit, why must I hear about every petty grievance in your privileged waste of a life?

So Saturday was our Hall of Fame voting day in Manhattan. We cast our ballots in a ballroom on the second floor of the media hotel, the Sheraton Times Square. Lunch was brought in midway through the proceedings. Specifically, box lunches for the 46 voters and Hall officials. A description of my lunch:

• Chicken breast on focaccia.
• Apple.
• Lays Classic chips (small bag).
• Brownie.

The cost: $102, including tip.

Per box lunch.

Oh, the sacrifices he makes to file the Hall of Fame vote that YOU never thank him for, America. Don’t you know he’s a voter first and a person second? And that voter makes millions of dollars so a hundo ain’t worth the coffee stains on his teeth?

Tweets of the Week

“Worst part of radio row at SB – how everyone interviewing u looks around for who they can grab next instead of engaging the conversation!”

—@kurt13warner, the former quarterback and current NFL Network analyst, on the chase for guests at the Super Bowl Media Center Radio Row.

C’mon, Radio Row hacks, just sit still while Kurt Warner reads Revelations to you. It’s the Christian thing to do.

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think we know now why GM John Schneider committed so many resources and so much money to deal for Percy Harvin. Harvin and the Jet Sweep. Harvin and the kickoff return. Harvin and being healthy. His speed is a revelation. Before his score to start the second half, the Seahawks called a kick-return they hadn’t called all season. And teammates said to Harvin on the field, “See you in the end zone.”

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Schneider isn’t the champion of the WWE Tiny Front Office Dudes division for nothing (formerly the European title).

2. I think the poise of Russell Wilson is something to behold. Did you see him once get tight? He had two early overthrows. After that … wow.

Did you ever see Russell Wilson get tight other than the two times he got tight?

3. I think this is the way Wilson talks, either to us or to his coaches or teammates: “We knew we’d get here. We knew we’d bring it. We brought it.” That’s what he said at his locker postgame to quarterback coach Carl Smith. But it could have been to the beat guy from Spokane too.

I’m not sure if this is meant to be jokey or not. Generally, I always err on the side of PK being clueless so I’ll assume not.

4. I think it’s not too much to ask that Peyton Manning and Manny Ramirez figure out how to get the snap right on the first play of the Super Bowl. Or is it?

Wow, Petey did a full 180 on this column. He’s not only being tough on Pey-Pey, he’s actually being an outright dick to him. Perhaps this is the negging approach to get Peyton in bed.

6. I think the first thing I look at, when a team in a baseball city wins the Super Bowl, is the baseball schedule.

Just kidding. PK already had it memorized.

Especially when stadiums are next door to each other. That wrecked the home opener for Baltimore last year. Good news, ’Hawk fans: Mariners at Rangers, 5:05 p.m. Pacific Time, on Sept. 4.

Awww, I kinda wanted another standoff between a football and baseball team. “You must cave to us. We’re loud!”

7. I think the NFL has to re-think its love of mass transportation and abandonment of cars at a Super Bowl, particularly at a venue where fans are so used to driving. And the Meadowlands is a driver’s paradise. When fans are still waiting to get a train or bus home two hours after the game, you’ve got a problem—especially when some of said fans have paid thousands to attend the event.

Damn straight. Wealthy people’s time means more! Get it together, public transit.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. Pete Thamel was right: Best sports event in New York/New Jersey over the weekend was Duke-Syracuse college hoops.

Totally makes up for when he blew the Manti Te’o story.

d. I’m really hoping the ridiculously unseasonable day Sunday won’t cause too many NFL owners to pound fists on tables and say, I want the Super Bowl in my town!

e. Look, what happened here is the NFL got lucky. Very lucky. Tell me the chances of it being 56 in mid-afternoon, with no wind, in East Rutherford on Feb. 2, historically. Six days earlier it was 7 degrees in mid-afternoon. So don’t tell me now the NFL should put Super Bowls outside in the north because this day proved you can. This day the NFL got a perfect window is what it proved.

Here we go. Peter couldn’t just not acknowledge that he spent four years pissing and moaning about the potential hazards of a cold weather, outdoor Super Bowl only for the game to actually be free to any inclement weather and absent of weather-related carnage. So now he’s been once again made to look like an idiot, he’s carrying on like a little brat who just lost a game. “YOU JUST GOT LUCK-KEE!” The NFL didn’t get lucky because they were marketing it as a potential snow game. You had reporters bitching yesterday that the space heaters in the stadium made them TOO WARM. If anything, this was different than what the league expected and prepared for. And if the worst-case scenario you cite is it being seven degrees, that’s warmer than the fucking playoff game that was played in Green Bay a few weeks back. That didn’t ruin the sport, did it? Of course not, because it wasn’t a change to your annual paid vacation to a warm destination where you get pampered. Fuck you.

f. New York/New Jersey swallowed the Super Bowl. If you live on the East Side of Manhattan, as I do, there was no indication anything different was up on Sunday.

Yes, it’s simply amazing that one event cannot command all the attention from a city of more than 8 million people like it can in, say, Indianapolis. CRIZZAZZLEBEANS! I’m sure if a New York team were involved, it would have been somewhat different. But not significantly. Sports people want to believe that everyone lives for their shit. If the Super Bowl’s audience is, say, 100 million viewers – that’s a lot of people. But it’s still only a third of the country. There are tons of people who don’t give a fuck about sports.

g. Coffeenerdness: Gregory’s Coffee … brought a few media guys there for a quick booster during the week in Manhattan. Very good lattes.

Media guys? That’s harsh. If Peter ain’t namedropping you, you don’t mean shit.

h. Beernerdness: Guinness is best served colder than the Irish like it. I know that because at a Super Bowl event Thursday night in the city, the bartender told us they were serving at normal American beer temperatures. Not trying to be revolutionary, but it’s just better colder.

Americans serve beer cold because American macrobrews taste like piss and coldness masks the flavor. Seems like something an actual beer snob would know.

i. The MMQB doesn’t go into hibernation now just because the football season is over. We’ll be daily throughout the offseason. Only shorter, thank God.

I’m sorry, are you acting like the meandering, overwritten nature of your columns is something that’s imposed on you? You have the freedom to make it as succinct as you like. IT’S YOUR FUCKING WEBSITE. Get fucked with a rusty chainsaw. I hate you so much.

The Adieu Haiku

Goodbye to football.
It was a very good year.
And Seattle reigns.

Goodness, a rain pun!
Seattle is known for that
As you are for shit