Eli Manning: Aww double turds! Peyton is going to be awful blue after this one, I just know it. Sure, he can be a real pain in the patoot sometimes, but he’s family and that’s important. I better do my best to cheer him up and put some pep back in his step, like a little brother is supposta! I know just the thing: Tomorrow morning, I’ll make him my breakfast specialty: instant oatmeal with Jolly Ranchers in it! Captain Eli’s Old-Fashioned Break The Fast Bonanza! That’s never not made Peyton smile.
[Monday morning at Eli's condo in Jersey City]
Eli: Morning, Peyton. You went night-night as soon as you got home after the game, so I didn’t get the chance to tell you sorry for what happened.
Eli: I know you’re sad, but you can’t stay down in the dumps forever. You still won a bunch of games and have most of your original neck. That’s better than what a lot of people got. Tell you what I’m gonna do: I’ll whip up Captain Eli’s Old-Fashioned Break The Fast Bonanza. Just for you. What flavor of Jolly Rancher do you want?
Eli: Fine, if you’re gonna be a Grumpy Gus, I’ll just choose for you. Hmm. Well, it turns out I ate all the Jolly Ranchers except the apple ones because they’re yucky, so you get those. Here, I’ll pour you a drunk of moo juice and even let you use my favorite cup. But only this once for a special occasion.
Eli: Oh, uh, don’t pay attention to that.
[Fire alarm goes off]
Eli: Oh no, I set the oatmeal on fire again! It’s okay. I’ll put it out with these oily rags.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.