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“I went to a publicity circus once. Hated it. If you’re gonna call something a circus, don’t get pissy at me for asking a gal about her beard.”

“Distractions? Terrible. No place for them in football. But a well-timed fart does lighten the mood when you’re cutting a player.”

“These kids today. The only app I have on my phone is deviled egg filling.”

“It’s a touchy subject, that’s for sure. I just don’t think football’s ready for a chemically imbalanced locker room, no matter what Joe Namath says.”

“I like my shorts like I like my quarterbacks: sturdy in the pocket, and conceived in a Wal-Mart.”

“Back in my day, the only sexual orientation I got was ‘No, the other one.’”

“Tom Wopat. Now there’s a man’s-man.”

“I no longer find my wife sexually attractive.”

“Play 60? Not if I’m paying taxes.”

“Maturity-wise, I don’t think the NFL is ready for a lot of things. Women in the locker rooms. Homosexuality. Button-fly jeans.”

“Don’t even get me started on social media. Used to be you could trust a man to burn a Polaroid of your neighbor’s wife.”

“Sensitivity training? Please. You can lead a dog to water, but I’ll be damned if I’m cleaning up that bitch’s shit.”

“Disruptive cultures can suck the air right out of a locker room. And I’m not just talking about the Activia challenge.”

“I blame ‘cross’-fit for all of this.”

“It’s ‘Tom, Dick, and Harry’ not ‘Tammy, Doris, and Helen’ for a reason.”

“What’s next? I’m not calling it a tackling ‘special person,’ I’ll tell you that much.”

“A fresh pair of BVDs is always at the top of my draft board. Always. Hey, erasers cost money. And accidents happen.”

“Baggage is definitely an issue when evaluating talent. There’s no place in this organization for Michael Kors.”

“I’m all for breaking barriers, don’t get me wrong. But these court-ordered ankle monitors are bullshit.”

“I haven’t spoken to my children in many years.”

“I’ve seen players in the shower before. Does that make me gay? No, seriously. Does it?”

“I’ll kick your ass if you tell anyone that.”

“What will we tell the children? ‘Smear the person’ doesn’t even rhyme.”

“Christ, we’ll probably have to rename the ‘clean and jerk’ now, won’t we?”

“You shouldn’t have to live your life in secrecy, dammit. But I’m down two strikes, and I can’t get caught peeing outside again.”

“In the end, though, it’s all about talent. I’ve got an eye for it, and Norv Turner’s record speaks for itself.”

“Nights are the loneliest.”