A TMZ report today via Blacksportsonline.com indicated that the fight Aaron Hernandez had with a fellow inmate at a Massachusetts jail happened when Hernandez went for an isolated walk in a hallway — unhandcuffed — and happened upon another inmate who WAS handcuffed. What could have prompted such an attack? Thanks to our extensive network of sources at the Bristol County Jail, we can provide a complete transcript of the events that occurred.
Officer: Alright, Aaron, I’m going to take off the handcuffs so you can go on a walk through the jail. Just promise not to attack the other officers, try to escape, or, you know, beat the shit out of another inmate just because you can.
Hernandez: Scout’s honor *walks down the hallway whistling*
[jail cell door flies open]
Inmate: You little fuck.
Hernandez: Excuse me?
Inmate: YOU HEARD ME YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLE. If these handcuffs weren’t around my wrists my hands would be around your fucking NECK.
Hernandez: Do I know you?
Inmate: OH YOU COULD SAY THAT. Summer of 2011. Ten miles outside of Boston. You see this scar on my cheek? Do you remember me now?
Hernandez: *suddenly, a look of realization crosses over his face* Oh. You.
Inmate: YEAH. ME. You and I have some unfinished fucking business. You’ve got a lot of nerve coming into this jail.
Hernandez: Well they kind of took me here.
Inmate: Do you have any idea what you did to me? Three years ago, it seems like yesterday –
Hernandez: Listen man, I had no idea that shit was going to go down that way.
Inmate: — you were the Patriots’ new guy and I was an up-and-coming banker with a great career and a bombshell for a wife –
Hernandez: I never meant you any harm.
Inmate: — I decided to have my bosses over for a dinner party and thought it would be a great idea to invite the new football star who moved into the neighborhood to impress them –
Hernandez: What’s the big deal anyway?
Inmate: *grinds teeth, takes a long pause* What’s the big deal?
Inmate: What’s the big deal? I’ll tell you what the big fucking deal is. YOU PAIRED A 2004 CUNE RIOJA IMPERIAL GRAN RESERVA WITH MY PAN-SEARED PETRALE SOLE AND WINTER VEGETABLES YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!
Hernandez: *shakes head and looks at the ceiling*
Inmate: You had ONE GODDAMN JOB. I give you the menu, you bring the wine. My bosses looked at me like I had AIDS. I NEVER got that promotion I spent years working 16 hours a day for.
Hernandez: What was so bad about that choice? It’s a good bottle and I’ve heard you can pair reds with a robust enough fish –
Inmate: IT’S A FUCKING SOLE NOT A SALMON. It’s a delicate, flaky fish that fucking SOURS when you put it in a mouth coated with goddamn red Rioja. Were you raised by fucking baboons?
Hernandez: Jesus man lay off me. I did alright on the second course.
Inmate: SERVING A FUCKING 2008 DOMAINE LOUIS MICHEL CHABLIS FOURCHAUME VAULORENT WITH MY LAMB GIGOT A LA CUILLERE? THAT’S “ALRIGHT” IN YOUR BOOK? What book is that, the Big Book of Assholes? Now you just want me to kick your ass. The heaviness of the lamb made that wine UNBEARABLY oaky. I would have rather you served me a glass of fucking BLEACH.
Hernandez: Well what the fuck was wrong with the dessert? I broke that little number out of my private stash.
Inmate: Oh I suppose I should blow you for bringing that Château Trotanoy 2004 Pomerol when you knew damn well I was serving vanilla bean creme brulee with sablé breton cookie, which was so sweet and delicious it made that bottle taste like SWEATY RANK ASS. If I had known that you were going to bring that over, I would’ve rescinded my dinner invite and instead asked you to come over and fuck my wife while force-feeding me broken glass, because that would have been less painful then looking at the wrinkled nose of my boss after he took a sip. MAYBE WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I’LL INVITE MYSELF OVER TO YOUR FOLKS’ HOUSE AND BRING MY 2001 CASTELLO DI FONTERUTOLI CHIANTI CLASSICO AFTER TELLING THEM TO SERVE SESAME-CRUSTED SEARED AHI TUNA.
Hernandez: *decks inmate*
Inmate: *lying on the floor and bleeding* Sorry that was over the line.
Hernandez: If you ever threaten my family again, I’ll fucking gut you.
I want more like this!
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